U turn	回頭的浪子
By David Yao Chinese Translation：Evie Xiao	作者：姚強 翻譯：蕭 凌

 

我離開基督已經有好一陣子了。大部分時間我都在獨處中度過，沒有任何人、或是任何事物相伴。要知道，這一刻我寫下的，也許是我此生中最真誠的文字。誰知道以後我還是否能以同樣的真誠來表達自己的情感呢？！試想一下，我將自己反鎖在一個與世隔絕、伸手不見五指的屋子裡，坐在地板上，將我的想法毫無保留地寫下來。為你們、為我自己，但更重要的，是為了上帝，我再也不願有絲毫的隱瞞。如果願意的話，你可以將它稱為我的《懺悔錄》。

It has been quite a while that I have left the Christian faith. A lot of times I spent alone with nothing else, no one else, just alone. You must know that I am writing this in the outmost honest state of my life. I would even say that I am afraid that I might never be this honest again. You must imagine me sitting here on the floor; lock myself in a complete dark room, writing this in a complete emotional naked state. I want not to hind anything; I just want to be honest, to you, to myself, and most of all to God. And if you will, you can say that this is indeed my true confession. This writing of mine, is in a way to take back (if I can) all the things I have said in my other writing "Confession".

這篇文字，在某種程度上（如果可以的話）是為了推翻我之前的那篇反思，現在看來，那不過是一個失去理智的瘋子對上帝聲嘶力竭的吼叫。我曾經說過，情感是導致我離開基督的真正原因。而現在的我知道，單純由情感主導的行為，若缺乏理智的引導，往往將人引向更進一步的絕望、痛苦與自我矛盾的危險境地。對這種做事全憑一時感情衝動的人，我們往往稱之為"精神失常"——我就是這種人。我不是背叛上帝，而是背叛了我自己對上帝的情感。

It must be admitted that I was writing the "Confession" as if I am screaming and yelling at God like a man who is completely out of his mind. I have said that it is emotion that has triggered me to walk away from God. Now I notice that emotion, without a clear conscious of the action, can and will lead to dangerous results that leaves nothing but more confusion, hurt, and pain. We call a man "out of his mind" when he reacts according to nothing but pure emotions (usually bad ones to some extreme). I was such a man. I have not cheated God; I have cheated myself from God.

我有一個秘密，一個我曾盡一切可能向家人、朋友和所有愛我的人隱藏的秘密。更糟的是，（如果可以的話）我甚至試圖向無所不知的上帝隱瞞。那個秘密就是——我需要上帝。沒錯，這就是我竭力深藏的秘密：我渴慕上帝如同飢餓的人渴望食物。離開祂，我無法與人友善相處；離開祂，我無法繼續生活；最壞的是，失去祂，我也失去了愛的能力。我對上帝的依賴，更甚於我對空氣的依賴。失去上帝，我彷彿失去了一位曾與我親密無間的良伴；其實這些都不足以描述我對上帝依賴的萬分之一。我想這其中一定有什麼超自然的因素在發揮作用。甚至我會說，這種"依賴"不止是"需要"——即空白無物之處需要被填滿的那種"需要"——這麼簡單，而是一種出於本能的依賴。

I cannot be kind to others without him; I cannot live without him; worst of all, I cannot even love without him. I need him as much as I need air to live, if not, more, much more. I have said this to some of my friends that leaving God is like missing a dearly loved friend, a friend who I used to be very close with. But, now, as I recall, even that is not nearly enough to describe the need of Him within me. There is something supernatural about this. I would even say that this 'need of him' is no mere 'need' (as in some void that needs to be filled); it is something that happens intrinsically, from its own nature.

簡單來說，水之所以流動，乃是因為它是水而非別的什麼東西；鳥之所以翱翔，亦是因為它是鳥而非別的什麼東西。任何事物的結果都取決於其本質。我需要上帝，不止因為祂能填補我內心的空白（無可否認這也是原因之一），更是取決於我是人的這一本質。在我內心深處，有一種其他受造物所缺少的東西。正如水的自由流動、鳥兒任意飛翔的天性，在我的靈魂裡深藏著對上帝的渴慕，即使是在我放棄信仰的時候，我也始終不認為自己是一個無神論者。也許我更像一個悲傷的自然神論者。我確信這個世界有一位上帝，就像我確信自己活著那樣地堅定。然而這個信念卻加深了我對上帝的反抗。特別是當我清醒地意識到現實世界有許多悲傷痛苦時，我對上帝公正公平的判斷力產生了懷疑，而這將我推到離祂更遠的地方。

需要澄清的是，我對上帝的糾結不全在於發生了什麼不幸的事件，而在於我意識到，無論天父是多麼地充滿慈愛憐憫，痛苦和不幸卻依然讓人無所遁形。最讓我恐懼的是，這一切的不幸上帝都全然知道，可祂卻選擇站在遠處觀望。就這樣，我曾經以為自己看破了一切。

Let me give you a simple example to make clear of what I mean. Water can flow for no other reason other than it is water, so does a bird can fly for no other particular reason other than it is a bird. The result is only an outcome of its own nature. I need God not only because He can and will fill the void within me (although that is one reason), but also because I am a human being. There is something intrinsic within me that the other animal creatures just don't have. Just as water, by nature, flows; Birds, by nature, fly; I, by nature, crave for God. I was not an atheist during the time I renounced my Christian faith. I was much resembled as a sad-deist. There is a God. It is as certain to me as I am aware that I am alive. Nevertheless, such realization seemed to aggravate my problem against God. It was very natural to me to push away God and distrust His fair and better judgments, especially as I have come to realize the reality of much pain and suffering. It must be said that my struggle against God has not all to do with whatever misfortunes that have happened, but has to do with my realization of the much pain and suffering that will surely arrive under the providence of a Loving Father. What seemed most frightful to me was my complete awareness that God knows all about this, but chooses to stand afar. But much to what I thought I have understood; I was wrong.

這就涉及到了我們日常生活裡這樣那樣問題日復一日，堆積如山的關鍵所在，這也是上帝將我們從沉睡中喚醒的契機。當我們開始認真思考自己的日常生活，常常發現在那件光鮮華麗的外衣底下，似乎總少了點什麼。在歡樂的時光裡，人卻常常會不由自主地想到這些嚴肅的主題。或許，當懦弱的我們嘗試把自己隱藏在自我假想的歡樂背後，那些被我們遺忘的，甚至從未被注意過的事情，真有什麼意義也說不定。

Here is where I believe our problems of discomfort begins to pile up; this is also where I believe God awakes us. When we begin to take concern of our daily mundane life, we find that there are indeed times when we look at the pleasurable outfits we always clothed ourselves with and see something missing within. Be not surprised, times such as these may come to a man during a merry day. Perhaps it really means something, something we so often ignore and take not even the slightest notice of when we tends to hide ourselves cowardly behind the disillusion of our own happiness.

或許，讓我們經歷生活中的風暴，是上帝在喚醒我們的過程當中唯一之選。通過這樣的方式，祂既無需違反我們的自由，又能粉碎我們自娛的外表。或許這樣，也只有這樣，我們才能看到自己穿著皇帝新裝下的赤身露體，才能意識到自己如同剛斷奶的嬰孩需要母親一樣需要上帝。到那時，我們會發現所有的一切——財富、人際關係、甚至我們自己本身——都已不再重要。人也許會有無力幫助他人的時候，但請勿假設上帝在幫助（或"拯救"）一個人時也會無力。正如我前面所說的，祂已經完成了救贖之工，祂已將萬有都捨棄了。祂想要伸手拉我們一把，但我們（我）卻總是狠狠地把門關上。祂盡一切努力，嘗試用悲傷痛苦把我們沉睡的靈魂喚醒，但我們卻往往不願從麻木的睡眠中醒來。不是祂把我們變成困苦之子，而是我們自己。祂為我們而悲痛，不是因為祂失去了什麼至寶，而是我們失去了最可珍貴的東西——上帝自己。

And perhaps storms of life is the only way which God chooses to use to stripe away our self-satisfying outfits without violating and taking away our freedom. Perhaps then, only then, shall we truly come to our naked self and begin to realize our very nature and our child-like need of something more – God. By then, nothing else – wealth, natural relationship, ourselves – seems to matter anymore. Let us not assume that God is, in any way, helpless in helping us (perhaps "saving us" would be a much better term) like we are, in times, helpless to help others. As I have said, He has done it. He sacrificed everything. He wants to reach in and help us, but we (I) often shut the door against Him. He tries His best to awake our souls to Him with stings of pain and suffering, but we are bothered and do not want to be awaken from our numb sleep. He is not making us the children of poverty, we are. He weeps for us, not that He is losing something valuable, but we are losing the only valuable thing – God.

最後，我還想說，悲傷是真實的，痛苦也是。一個人若口口聲聲說相信基督，卻沒有對人生的痛苦做出認真地反思的話，我認為這個人一定非常無知。在這方面，基督教的反思遠遠超過我們所需要知道的（或我們認為需要知道的）。我們想要得到安慰。想要得到安慰本身並沒有錯，但若只貪圖今生的舒適而忽視永恆的避風港的話，這人的腦袋一定是出了什麼問題。我們此刻的安逸、愉悅和喜樂，只是一個個在漫漫旅途中支起的臨時帳篷。我們當然能從這帳篷裡享受片刻的舒適和滿足，但這些卻不能代替我們歸家的真正需要。誠然，我們可以把這些帳篷當成是我們的家，在其中尋找安息。但很快的，時間會告訴我們，無論這些帳篷外表看起來有多麼牢固，始終不是我們永久的避風港。

At last I want to say pain is real, so is suffering. And I would think it is absolutely naive and ignorant for a man to say that the Christian faith has not done enough concern to such problem. It has, and not only it has, it has gave us more than we needed (or what we think we needed). What we need is comfort. There is nothing wrong in comfort itself, but there is something wrong when we make our earthly comfort the everlasting shelter. It simply has not been one and never will be. Our current comfort, merry, and joy are like tents that we often setup in the wood after a long road of traveling. Surely we can get comfort and satisfaction from it, but it should never replace our real need, which is to finally return home. We can, of course, regard such tent as our 'home' and rest well in it. But soon, with only a matter of time, we will find that this tent, no matter how strong, will not hold.

上帝最不希望看到的，就是我們躲在帳篷後面享受一時的滿足，卻最終失喪；祂希望我們回家。悲傷痛苦就如一陣陣把我們居住的帳篷吹得東倒西歪的強風，有時候甚至把帳篷刮倒，將我們赤裸裸地暴露在殘酷的現實中：有蛀蟲和鐵鏽腐壞、侵蝕我們在地上的財寶。這一現實將我們麻木的感覺和思想摧毀，讓我們清醒過來，轉而思念永恆，渴慕永不改變的上帝。

The last thing that God want us to have is to be satisfied with that tent and be lost; He wants us home. Pain and suffering is that wind that pushes our tents to the extreme, sometimes even knocks over our tents and exposes us to the hard reality. It is perhaps the moth and rust that eats away our earthly treasure. It knocks us out of our numbed feelings and thoughts, it forces us to yearn and hope, it arouses within us the natural need for the everlasting. That everlasting is God.

我們在天上的父啊，如果生命的悲傷痛苦無可避免，如果再也沒有其他方法能讓我們的心安息在你懷中，如果你——唯獨你——是我們唯一的盼望和生命，那麼就讓悲傷和痛苦來得更猛烈些吧！

So, our Heavenly Father, if our life must face pain and suffering, and if there is simply no other ways for us to reconcile our ever restless heart onto You, and if You, and only You are our hope and life, then so be it of everything.

我覺得我很有必要記下下面的話作為結束語:我比以前變得更成熟、更有智慧、更有信心（這些唯有上帝知道）。剛開始意識到這一點的時候我有些迷惑，我曾以為對信仰的背叛會讓我永遠失去信心，我再也不會用敬虔的基督徒的眼光來看待上帝，信仰對我將不再重要。但神奇的是，事情的發展並不像我預想中的那樣。恰恰相反，我開始慢慢體會到基督的真義。經歷這些之後，上帝對於我來說變得更加真實。有限的文字，實在難以解釋這一切。就像我緊緊地把沙子攢在手心裡，但沙子卻從指縫之中流走了。但當我鬆開拳頭，輕輕地將沙子捧於掌心，沙子卻不再四散。也許我太想依靠自己的力量作一個好基督徒，可是，靠自己的力量成聖卻不是上帝的旨意，因為祂知道我做不到。除非在背上插上翅膀，否則我永遠不能飛翔。又或許我只有真正放手，才能懂得如何被上帝充滿。這就是上帝所說，要放下自己，背起自己的十字架跟隨祂。只有到那時，我們才會開始放下對上帝自私、無休止、毀滅性的背叛，才會鬆開反對上帝的拳頭，伸出雙掌接過祂所賜的魚和麵包。實情是：天父不僅賜我們魚和麵包，祂更把自己賜給了我們。

I want to conclude this writing with this last part, which I find it necessary to write. I have grown more mature, wiser, and (only God truly knows) more faithful. Something puzzled me when I first realized it. I have always concluded that this leave of mine has brought me away from faith forever. I may almost never see God the same way again as any God-loving Christians would. Faith would never make any sense to me any longer. But this, somehow miraculously, is not the way I thought it would turn out. Much to the contrary, somehow I begin to slowly see the true value of Faith in God. Somehow after all this, God became more true to me than before. It is hard to explain with my mere words. It is like when I try to hold on to sand with a firm grip, the sands slips away from the intervals of my fingers. But when I lose my grip and only gently upholding the sand with an open palm, I find that I, somehow, can attain more without losing any. Perhaps I tried too hard to be good on my own and that God never wanted me to be good or coming to know Him on my own, for He knows that I can ' t. I can no more do so than I can grow wings and fly. Perhaps it is only when I let go, that I begin to understand how to be filled. This is perhaps why our Lord tells us that we must die to ourselves; we must carry our own crosses. It is when, and only when, not a moment earlier, we begin to let go of our own selfish, endless, and destructive rebellion against God, then shall we cease to hold our fist again God and receive His gives of fishes and bread with an open palm. Perhaps I have even diminished the reality. Because the truth is that our Heavenly Father does not only give us fishes and breads, He gives us Himself.

如果有一件事情，是比我還活著這個事實更讓我深信不疑，那就是在我的心裡，上帝比以前更加重要。如同與一位好友共同走完一段長長的，充滿艱難險阻的旅程，之前的陌生旅伴，現在已經變得熟悉到知曉他的喜好和性格。上帝是一位讓人充滿喜樂、可以真正去依靠的良朋益友。我不再只是知道祂的存在，而是與祂建立起相知相交的親密關係。上帝不止讓人充滿喜樂，一切美善也都全在於祂。我知道，我不再把基督信仰當成是一個宗教，或是一套哲學系統，而是來到上帝純全的愛裡。就這樣，不再逃避。

If there is one thing I am sure of, other than that I am alive, is that God matters to me more than before. It is like after walking through a long journey of troubles and problems with a friend, who at the beginning was not much familiar with me, I see the true nature of that man – his habits and traits. And I find him truly delightful, a real reliable and trustworthy friend to have. What begins as only to know about that he exists, in the end, turns out to know him. Only God is not only delightful, He is everything good. I realize that I am not coming to Christianity as a religion, I am not coming to a philosophical framework, nor I am, in a sense, coming to His sheer love, I am coming to Him, period.