| A Broken Bondage -- a testimony from Ted Zhao |
鬆開的捆綁 -- 趙泰和的見證 |
| By Ted Zhao |
作者：趙泰和 |
我曾被情慾捆綁。神救了我，我得到了自由。故事完……
I was enslaved by pornography and lust. God saved me, and I was free. The end.
我真希望我的經歷就這麼簡單，可惜事實並非如此輕鬆。在基督裡的得勝是一條充滿艱苦試煉的路。然而即使是在最黑暗的時候，神也依然對我不離不棄。正是因著這樣的經歷，神的恩典才顯得尤為可信。
As much as I wished this was my story, this was not how it happened. Freedom from pornography and joy in Christ did not come without much trials and suffering. But I thank God for how He has guided me through even the darkest days of my life. It is through these days of trial and suffering that His grace proved to be ever more enduring.
13歲那年，我了受洗。認識神、接受祂的福音，這一切對我來說很自然。在家、在學校，我挺聽話；加上我的思想比較深邃，很多人覺得我是個謹慎、聰明又成熟的年輕人。但我知道這不是真正的我。我的生活有隱秘而且黑暗的一面，我努力地隱藏了它許多年，這就是沉浸在色情罪惡中的一面。
I was baptized when I was 13 years old. God and the gospel seemed natural to me. At home, I was obedient most of the time; at school, I didn’t need much effort to get ahead. Because I was a deep thinker, many people saw me as a prudent, intelligent and mature young man. But I knew that was not who I was. I had a secret life—a life so vile that I kept it hidden from everyone, including myself. This was the sinful life of pornography.
在教會裡，我看上去是個正經的人；但我可以肯定地說，在我被罪捆綁的日子裡，我從沒有一次能真心敬拜主。從一開始射獵色情網絡，我就被捆綁住。當我明白耶穌的誡命“只是我告訴你們，凡看見婦女就動淫念的，這人心裡已經與他犯姦淫了。”（馬太福音5：28）更可怕的是，每當有人提到“罪”這個字，我就想到情慾，我就更深知自己的罪。
At church, I appeared as a proper young man. However, during those years of bondage, there was never a day where I worshiped God with a pure heart and a clear conscience. Since my very first encounter with pornography, I was gripped. I was convicted after knowing Jesus’ commands “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). Whenever the word “sin” was mentioned, the first thought that came to mind was pornography and immorality.
但這罪的力量總壓倒我，無論何時我想與罪抗爭，我都被擊敗。我知道《聖經》清楚地告訴我們:“你們豈不知不義的人不能承受神的國嗎？不要自欺！無論是淫亂的、拜偶像的、做孌童的、親男色的……都不能承受神的國”（哥林多前書6：9－10）。我每天十分愁苦，但卻找不到理解我的人……
Yet this sin seemed so powerful that whenever I tried to fight it, I would lose. I knew the Bible clearly said “Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites… will inherit the kingdom of God.”(1 Corinthians 6:9-10). I was deeply distressed everyday yet I could not tell anyone.
我很想得到自由！但每次我獨自在家的時候，我就又回到那罪中―色情網站就像個朋友一樣，總有時間陪我，從不指責我，每次都滿足我―轉瞬即逝的滿足。情慾時常充滿我的頭腦，即使在沒有電腦的時候。我也對人心生淫念，我存心跟隨心中的私慾。這樣的掙扎持續了不只幾個月、幾年，而是整整10年！我明白自己若不改變，生命必將毀滅，我的行為也會傷害到家人和未來的婚姻，但是我怎麼也找不到得勝的路。我以為自己一生就要活在這捆綁中了。
I really wanted to be free from it! But when I am at home alone, it did not take much time for me to fall back to the same old sin again. Pornography was like a friend to me—always available, never accusing, and always promised satisfaction—but only for a brief second. Lustful thoughts constantly filled my mind, even when I had no computers around me. I looked lustfully at women—many dressed immodestly—but that was not an excuse; I know deliberately followed my sensual desires. I knew it was a great lie, but still I was unable to resist it. This struggle did not just last for a few months or even a couple of years, but for a decade! I knew that my life would eventually be ruined if I did not stop. My actions would hurt not only my family but my future marriage as well, yet I could not find victory over it. I feared I would have to spend the rest of my life in bondage.
我時常會聽到別人的見證：酗酒的戒酒、吸毒者戒毒、賭徒戒賭―我可以體會他們的掙扎，但我體會不到他們得勝的自由！我已數不清多少次向神禱告:“神啊，我的見證在哪？我是個敗壞的罪人，我嚐盡了罪中之苦，擺在我面前的是死亡和毀滅，我與你的恩典不相容嗎？”但是我得不到回應……，然後，我發現自己又回到那骯髒的圖像中。
I often heard testimonies of people being transformed by Jesus: of alcoholics and drug addicts who got sober, of gamblers set free—I could relate to all of their struggles, but NOT their victory! Countless times I cried out to God: “Where is my testimony? Am I unfit for Your grace? I am a wretched sinner, tortured by sins, death and destruction awaits me.” But I heard no answer… The next thing I knew, I returned to the same dirty images again.
我想，既然神不搭理我，那乾脆完全順服自己的私慾罷了，便用更多的罪來麻痺我的良知！我不去教會了，我討厭做一個偽君子，裝作很屬靈卻過著被罪捆綁的生活。但即使這樣也無法帶給我解脫，上帝的律法沉沉地壓在我的心上，使我無法喘息。我想，我若是從未認識上帝那倒好了，至少我可以順服肉體的私慾而不被神的律法所指責。我連不信的人都不如，想順從神卻不能，享受罪中之樂也是不行。誰能想到一個年輕人會經歷這樣深的痛苦，這樣無盡的掙扎:“因為我做的，我自己不明白；我所願意的，我並不作；我所恨惡的，我倒去做……，我真是苦啊！”（羅馬書17：15，24）我好孤單無助，除了絕望我什麼也感覺不到。
I reasoned, if God is not answering me, why shouldn’t I just completely give myself over to lust? So I turned away from God and decided to numb my conscience with more sin. I started to distance myself from church. I was tired of being a hypocrite, pretending to be spiritual and living a double life. But even this proved to be futile; the law of God was pressed deep into my heart and I could find no rest. It would be better had I never followed God to begin with. At least then I could enjoy the sinful pleasures without the law of God accusing me. I was worse than an unbeliever, wanting to obey God but could not, but neither could I enjoy the worldly pleasures like an unbeliever. Who would have thought that a young man was going through such deep pain? Who could comprehend such degrees of self-contradiction, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do…What a wretched man I am!” (Romans 7:15, 24) I was so alone; all I felt was deep anguish and despair.
我好像行屍走肉。但即使是在這樣黑暗的時候，神還是與我同在，見證了詩人說的“我若升到天上，您在那裡；我若在陰間下榻，您也在那裡。我若展開清晨的翅膀，飛到海極居住，就是在那裡，您的手必引導我。”（詩篇139：8－10）就在我放棄信心的邊緣，神依然引領我。祂時常用一些人，環境或經文來提醒我，祂仍然同在，祂依然掌權。即使我將自己隔絕，在我心裡仍有聖靈督促我悔改（詩篇139：7）。那曾經折磨我良知的，原來是聖靈恩典，神不允許我滅亡在罪中，祂不停地敲打我心，讓我在罪中無法有片刻安寧，直到我迴轉。最後我終於明白了，我是屬神的。祂向我證明了祂牢牢地抓著我的生命，祂在我身上的旨意不會因任何人或事而挫敗。祂的旨意是什麼？ ―“神的旨意就是要你們成為聖潔，遠避淫行”（帖撒羅尼迦前書4：3）。
I was like a living dead. But even in my darkest times, God was still with me, thus affirming the Psalmist’s words: “if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me” (Psalms 139:8-10). When I was on the verge of giving up my faith, His hands still guided me. He always used some people, some situations or Bible verses to remind me that He was still there, and He was still in control. Even when I tried to isolate myself, there within me was God’s Holy Spirit prompting me to repent (Psalms 139:7-8). Looking back, I now see my inner turmoil as the merciful work of the Holy Spirit. God would not let me perish in my sin. He kept me restless until I turned and walked in His way. Finally, I came to the knowledge that I was God’s own. He has proven to me that He has a firm grip on my life and that His will in my life cannot be thwarted by anything or anyone. What is His will? “For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality” (1 Thessalonian 4:3).
接下來該我選擇了，是選擇順從神至高的主權，還是選擇像以前一樣與神對抗？但我深知我的對抗不會成功，只會使自己更痛苦。所以我決定順服，知道自己無能為力，只能服從神。但如何服從？
Therefore, the choice was mine to make. I could either choose to submit myself to His sovereign purpose, or I could give into sin and hurt myself even more. So I decided to submit to God, knowing that I am totally powerless and need to obey Him in every way. But how?
我總以為如果自己可以“召喚”起一股“信心”，所有的問題就會迎刃而解。但神逐漸讓我明白，我那所謂的“信心”根本就不是信心。真正的信心要建立在遵行神的旨意上―這旨意在《聖經》裡寫得清楚明白。於是我努力學習《聖經》，尋求在神裡的自由。這個過程也至少持續了兩年，在此過程中我依然數次跌倒，但是“我深信那在你們心裡動了善工的，必成全這工，直到耶穌基督的日子。”（腓立比書1 ：6）
I always thought that if I could just “conjure up” enough faith, then all the issue would be resolved. But what God has led me to understand was this kind of “faith” is not really faith. True faith rests on the submission to God and the obedience to His will—which is all written in the Bible. So, there was much to learn, and the road to total freedom took more than tw years. During this process I would fall many times, but reminding myself that it was God “who began a good work in me, and He will carry it onto completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6), helped me to realign my bearings.
我邁出的第一步是走出黑暗的孤獨。 《聖經》說:“兩個人總比一個人好，因為二人勞碌同得美好的果效。若是跌倒，這人可以扶起他的同伴；若是孤身跌倒，沒有別人扶他起來，這人就有禍了。”（傳道書4：9－10）我的悔改總不能持久，是因為我總想自己處理。帶著恐懼和羞辱，我尋求牧師的幫助。感謝神，牧師真誠地接受我，他沒有論斷我。之後他又將我介紹給一位忠心的弟兄，他每週組織“互助小組”。我可以坦誠分享自己一週的生活，不將罪留在黑暗中。從其他人的分享中也能學到智慧和經驗。同時，知道有人在為自己禱告，願意用神的話語教導我，願意監督我，暴露我的罪，我漸漸站穩了腳步。
My first step to change was stepping out of the darkness of isolation. For the Bible says “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). I realized my repentance never lasted too long when I tried on my own. So with a lot of fear and shame, I approached my pastor. Praise God he received me openly without accusation! He later introduced me to another faithful brother who held weekly accountability groups. I knew I could share openly about what happened during the week without hiding any sin in the dark (Ephesians 5:11). There was much wisdom to be learned from other people’s experience too. Also, with the knowledge that someone is standing on watch for me each week, teaching me the Word and how to confront my sins, I slowly gained traction.
我開始更有信心的禱告，知道神的確在我身上做工。我明白我的罪確實已被赦免。當我被稱為義時神不單單只宣布我是個義人，神同時也要使它成為事實。過去做罪人的我確實與耶穌同釘在十字架上，罪被戰勝了。我現在是新造的人，我心裡對聖潔的渴望就是我新生命強有力的證據。還存留在我身上的罪是因為敗壞的肉體和過去養成的習慣（羅馬書7：4）。我需要一個全新的生活，我需要通過禱告被神的話語潔淨。
I began to pray with more certainty that God was really working in me. I realized that my sins were really paid for. When God justified me, He did not just declare me righteous without making it a reality. My old self really died together with Christ and I am now a new creation in Christ. My longing for holiness was strong evidence that I had a regenerated heart. The sin left in me was only a result of the unregenerate flesh, and a result of the habits I have cultivated over the years (Romans 7:4). So I needed a new habit; I needed God to purify me through the Word and prayer.
被潔淨的過程並不是什麼神秘的經歷（我以前以為是這樣）。這個過程就是認識神的話語，時刻思想並應用。神教導約書亞說:“這律法書不可離開你的口，總要晝夜思想。”（約書亞書1：8）我開始背誦《聖經》來武裝自己，更深的認識神的旨意，並且在軟弱的時候成為自己的幫助。 （箴言6：23－24，腓立比書1：6， 以弗所書1：4，2：20，帖撒羅尼迦前書5：23）
The process of purification was not just some esoteric experience where I entered some sort of an enchanted state (I thought that was how it should be for a long time). It is getting to know the Word, meditating on it, and applying it. God instructed Joshua to “not let this book of law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night” (Joshua 1:8). I memorized scriptures to strengthen myself, to better understand God’s purpose and to help me in times of weakness (Proverbs 6:23-24, Philippians 1:6, Ephesians 1:4, 2:20, 1 Thessalonians 5:23).
但《聖經》並非魔力藥水。從前我經常一邊讀《聖經》，一邊卻拿著鼠標，結果可想而知。我可以花一整天時間讀經，但若不按著《聖經》的教導去做，若不挪去試探的來源，我肯定會再次跌到。於是我將手提電腦交給了別人。同時也要求室友在我可能用到的電腦上設置密碼，免得我有獨自使用的機會。如果我真的需要用電腦，我就用圖書館裡的，這樣大家都能看到我在做什麼。我這樣做是因為神讓我們對待情慾的態度是，我無論如何都沒有足夠能力來迎頭面對私慾，我必須逃避它（創世紀39：12，提摩太后書2：22）。就像《箴言》講的:“你們所行的道要離她（淫婦）遠。”（箴言5：8）
But I also realized that the bible is no magic potion. I used to have my Bible in one hand and the mouse in another. Guess what I ended up doing? I could be reading the Bible for hours but if I do not apply it and allowed myself to be close to the source of temptation, I would easily fall. So I handed my laptop over. I also asked my roommate to put passwords on the computers that I would have access to. If I needed to use a computer for whatever reason, I used the ones in the library where everyone could see what I was doing. I did this because God’s advice for dealing with lust is that I will never be strong enough to confront it head on, so I must FLEE from it (Genesis 39:12, 2 Timothy 2:22). As the Proverbs say: “keep a path FAR from her (the adulteress)”; so I ran as far as I possibly could (Proverbs 5:8).
跟隨耶穌必然是有代價的，耶穌說:“若有人要跟從我，就當捨己，背起他的十字架來跟從我。”（馬太福音１６：２４）這個世界充滿了各種謊言，如“娛樂和電腦就像水和食物一樣，是必須品。”但事實是：我沒這些東西依然很好，並且騰出很多時間做更有用的事情。最要緊的是，神的榮耀值得我付出一切。
There is definitely a cost of following Christ, for Jesus said “if anyone will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me” (Matthew 16:24). The world tries to sell all kinds of lies like “entertainment and computer are necessities like food and water.” But the truth is, I have been fine without them. Additionally, I now have a lot of free time to do more useful things. Above all, God’s glory and my purity are worth every effort.
雖然神還會給我很多功課，但除去習慣性的罪拉近了我跟神的關係，脫離淫行給我帶來無比的喜樂。而我付出的代價與神所付上的相比根本算不了什麼。我頭一次發現自己也能從心底不住讚美神，並且能被神使用。
Although God has a lot more work to be done in me, shedding the burden of habitual sin allows me to walk with Him much more intimately. I can experience the immense joy of being free from sexual sin. No price I paid was too dear compared to the price God has paid for me already. For the first time I am able to praise the Lord constantly from my heart; and for the first time I see myself becoming useful to God’s church.
對付情慾是一項艱鉅的任務，我時常問自己“什麼可以防止我再次跌到？”答案總是“在我裡面活著的基督”（加拉太書２：２０）。如果我“順著聖靈而行，就不放縱肉體的情慾了”（加拉太書５：１６）。弟兄們，當剛強壯膽（約書亞記１：６－９），“信心堅定，抗拒他（魔鬼），因為你們知道全世界的信徒弟兄也都在經歷同樣的苦難”（彼得前書５： ９）。我們要剛強壯膽，因為我們明白神的旨意是讓我們“和他兒子的形象相似……，如果神支持我們，誰還能反對我們呢？”（羅馬書８：29，31）(如果你想認識趙泰和，你可以通過他的個人郵箱This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. 聯繫到他。)
Dealing with lust is a tremendous task, and I still sometimes wonder what will keep me from falling again. And the answer is always “the Christ who lives in me” (Galatians 2:20). If I “walk in the spirit, I will not fulfill the lust of the flesh” (Galatians 5:16). Brothers, be courageous (Joshua 1:6-9), “standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings” (1 Peter 5:9). Be courageous, knowing that it is God’s will for His children to be “conformed to the likeness of his Son, and if God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:29, 31). (If you want to get to know Ted, feel free to email him at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.)