曾經，我懷疑自己是不是一個真正的基督徒。言下之意，就是懷疑自己是不是真的相信耶穌基督和所有有關祂的真理，懷疑自己是不是真的得救。跟一些姐妹分享這個想法時，她們都覺得非常不可思議。是的，我知道大家都覺得我是一個很追求神的人，而從外表上看也的確如此——晨禱會、主日學、團契、預查、小家......只要是教會活動，90%我都不缺席；教會的事奉也是有求必應、積極參與；聽道、讀書、禱告的時候，常常情不自禁被神的話語感動流淚；也曾經許多次感到自己願意義無反顧地跟隨主一輩子。記得KK傳道臨走前的一次晨禱會，他帶領大家唱詩《一生愛你》，歌詞唱道："一生愛你，一生敬拜你；一生愛你，一生榮耀你；一生奉獻，一生不回頭，一生愛你，跟隨你。"那時候的我，真心覺得這是我心深處最真實的想法與情感；我毫不懷疑自己是一個十分追求神的基督徒。

I once questioned if I was a genuine Christian, I was in doubt about whether I truly believe Jesus Christ and every truth about him, and I was in doubt about whether I was truly saved. When I shared my thought with other sisters, they were all surprised. Yes, I know that everybody thinks I sought God earnestly, and that is what I appeared to be — prayer meeting, Sunday school, fellowship, pre-bible study, small groups etc., as long as it is a church activity, I was present 90% of the time. I was also very active to serve in the church. I was often touched to tears by God's word while listening to sermons, reading and praying. And many times I felt the irrevocable longing to follow the Lord for life. I remember at the last prayer meeting before preacher KK left, he led us in the hymn " With All My Love " , the lyric goes " with all my love, I will worship you, with all my life, glorify your name, I give my life, never turn away, I will love you all my days. " At that time, I sincerely felt that was my deepest desire; I had no question that I was a completely devout Christian.

可是，不知道從何時開始，我仿佛走進了一片沙漠，在那裡我找不到綠洲，以至於心靈乾渴到幾近死亡；神就像寒夜裡的北極星一樣那麼的寒冷、那麼的遙不可及；那些曾經把我感動得一塌糊塗的聖詩，再也不能扣動我的心弦；曾經神的話語如同真正的糧食與水一樣，能夠使我的心靈飽足，可如今讀來卻味如嚼蠟；禱告時更是心不在焉，草草敷衍了事。

Being unaware of the change, I seemed to have entered a desert. There, I cannot find an oasis; I was thirsty to the point of death. I felt as if God was the wintery star, cold and unreachable. Those hymns that used to bring me to tears can no longer touch my heart. The word of God which was the satisfying bread to my soul is now tasteless to me. And prayer has become a mindless routine.

一個人隻身在加拿大，獨處的時間很多，很容易就把這些時間花在思考跟神有關的事情上。可當我回國時，各種娛樂節目不斷，於是我也就把神拋諸腦後。可是真正的信仰難道不應該在我面對任何境況時，都有一顆同樣追求神的心志嗎？漸漸地，我開始懷疑自己以前的熱情只不過是在追求一種宗教經驗；更可怕的是，信仰可能是我為了打發寂寞時光，面對孤獨的一個替代品。有可能是這樣嗎？為什麼會這樣？我不斷地禱告問神，祈求祂再次復興我心裡面對祂的愛和渴望，以及對祂真理的堅持。別人都說，只要你的禱告是符合神的心意，祂一定垂聽。我覺得我這樣禱告很符合神的心意啊，可是為什麼神對我卻完全沒有一點啟示呢？我的心還是一片沙漠；我覺得自己是一棵快要乾枯死掉的植物。

Being alone in Canada, I had much time on my own to think about the things of God. But when I returned to China, life was filled with all sorts of entertainment, so I put God behind. Yet, should not true faith result in an unchanging devotion to God regardless of circumstance? So, slowly I began to suspect that the passion I once had was merely a pursuit of religious experience; even worse, my faith might have been a way to pass time, a coping mechanism for loneliness. Could it be? Why? I kept asking God, praying that He would rekindle the love and passion for Him, and to stand firm in the truth. People tell me "if you pray according to God's will He certainly hears you." I thought my prayers are very true to God's will, why is He not responding to me? I was still in the desert; like a withered tree, I felt I was thirsting to death.

也就是在這段時間裡，神更多的讓我看到自己身上的罪——自私、驕傲、悖逆神、無情無義、竊取神的榮耀、面不改色的說謊、絞盡腦汁為了掩蓋真相又使自己不陷入說謊罪中的狡詐。當一個人驕傲的時候，任何事情都可以被變成驕傲的出口。喜愛讀經、熱心服事，這些有哪樣不是神的恩典呢？可是我卻把神的無條件的恩典竊取，將這些行為變成跟神索要祝福的功勞。就這樣，神讓我意識到在每一個瞬間，我的思想裡面都充滿了各種各樣的罪；我已經到了一種無藥可救的地步。我想到如果將來在基督台前向祂交賬，祂向我質問的時候，我真的無言以對。我再也沒有比現在更清楚的意識到自己不過是個滿身污血的罪人，無時無刻！一切人的愛恨情仇、覺得自己很有"義氣"，所有這些曾經誇口的東西，其實若不行在神的律法裡，在聖潔的神面前都只不過是犯罪而已。神讓我明白，我真的沒有一點能力可以去愛祂，我真的一點都不愛神。可是神呢？祂在2012年前，主動選擇了道成肉身，然後在祂的一生中，一步一步走向祂生命的終點，走向加略山的那個十字架。為的是拯救像我這樣無可救藥的罪人。

In the mean time, God showed my sins to me — selfishness, pride, rebellion against God, ingratitude, stealing God's glory, lying without remorse and the deceptive schemes of covering the truth without having to tell a lie. When a person is prideful, anything can be an outlet for pride — reading the Bible, serving at church. Are these not God's grace? But I have stolen the God's grace and used it as a claim on God's blessing. In this way, God led me to realize that at every instant my mind is filled with sin and I am hopelessly incurable. Knowing that one day I shall appear before His throne to give account, what claim will I have then? I have never been this aware that I am nothing but a vile sinner, constantly covered in filthiness. All of what I used to boast of was sin in God's holy sight, because I was not subject to God's law. I realized that there is nothing within my own power to love Him, I do not love Him one bit. But God Himself, 2012 years ago came to the earth in human flesh. Every step He took was a step closer to the cross in Calvary; it was to save a hopeless sinner like me.

以前我總問"仰望十字架、仰望耶穌"是什麼意思？那時候，耶穌對於我始終是一個模糊的影像。現在好像有那麼一點點體會到，仰望耶穌就是當我真實的經歷過、並且知道世上的一切人和事都不可靠時，卻知道祂永遠可以依靠；仰望耶穌就是當我知道自己是個完全敗壞的罪人，並且我所犯的罪在世人的眼中都是不可原諒的罪時，但卻知道主耶穌在十字架上流下了祂寶血，在天父面前遮蓋了我的罪，使我不致在父神傾倒祂的憤怒時滅亡；仰望耶穌就是我真實地知道，祂的死換來了我永恆的生命，祂的復活給了我永恆的盼望；仰望耶穌就是當我知道連自己都在懷疑自己的時候，相信祂所說過的承諾不會改變："凡祈求的，就得著。尋找的，就尋見。叩門的，就給他開門。"

I had always asked what "look unto the cross, look unto Jesus" means. At that time, Jesus was a rather vague image in my mind. Now I seemed to have grasped it a little; looking unto Jesus is coming to know that even the entire world cannot be trusted, Jesus is trust worthy forever. Looking unto Jesus is coming to the reality of my total corruption, knowing my sins are unforgivable even in men ' s sight yet Jesus ' blood had fully covered my sins before God, he has rescued me from the destruction at the outpouring of God ' s wrath. Looking unto Jesus is to truly know that His death has brought me eternal life and His resurrection has brought me eternal hope. Looking unto Jesus is to know even when I am doubting myself, His promises will never be fail: "for everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."