昔日真理報 -

"因為主所愛的，他必管教，又鞭打凡所收納的兒子。"（來12:6）
Because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son. （ Hebrews 12 ： 6 ）

"凡管教的事，當時不覺得快樂，反覺得愁苦，後來卻為那經練過的人結出平安的果子，就是義。"（來12:11）

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. （ Hebrews 12 ： 11 ）

我自幼就是一個個性好強又貪心的女孩子。高中時，我參加了學校小提琴、鋼琴、合唱團等各種音樂團體，並多次擔任活動主辦。在校外，無論是跳舞、聲樂、鋼琴、畫畫等活動，只要我想要的就都為自己爭取。而在這些活動中取得的優異成績，令我十分驕傲，高中畢業時又順利考入自己嚮往已久的大學。然而，就在我滿心以為倚靠自己的能力和才華能夠為自己計畫未來的時候，上帝讓我經歷了祂對我出生至今最深的管教。
Since I was little, I have been very aggressive. I have always had a strong desire for success. When I was in high school, I joined various musical groups, such as violin club, school choir, and piano club. Meanwhile, I organized several events on campus. I also actively involved in off campus activities. I would do whatever I was interested in; No matter it was dancing, singing, painting or playing piano, I always had a success. Because of all these achievements, I was getting more and more prideful. And then, I was admitted by my dream University. My life at the time made me firmly believing that I could plan my future by relying on my own talents. However, God made me experiencing his profound disciplines.

從小，我就患有慢性皮膚炎。父母帶我四處求醫，但收效甚微。無奈之下，只能寄希望於醫生樂觀的看法：等到青春期體質改變後，皮膚狀況自然就會慢慢好轉。
When I was a little girl, I have caught chronic dermatitis. My parents took to see various doctors, but none of them was able to heal me. Some of the doctors comforted us that my illness would get better naturally after I became a teenager. In desperate, my parents and I set our hope on such comfort.

然而天不遂人願，從高中開始，我的皮膚狀況卻每況愈下。每次皮膚病發作，我都拿類固醇藥物將病情強行壓制下來。這種藥物初時非常見效，每次一擦立刻就好了。但到兩年前預備要讀大學時，我的病情已經完全無法受類固醇藥物的控制。臉上的皮膚破裂流汁，結痂之後再流汁，又覆蓋在原來乾掉的痂上面。脖子上都是又長又深的傷口，完全不能轉動。全身可用"體無完膚"來形容。病情加重到了一個地步，使我甚至喪失了一個正常人最基本的自理能力：沒有辦法自己洗頭，只能由母親在洗手台上幫我洗；全身的皮膚有太多的傷口，將近五個月我不能洗澡；沒有辦法張開嘴吃飯，因為臉上滿是傷口和痂，母親只能小口小口的餵我吃；沒有辦法刷牙，因為牙刷沒辦法塞進嘴裡；沒有辦法笑；沒有辦法哭；最令我痛苦的是打噴嚏時，無法控制臉上的肌肉，在打噴嚏的那一瞬間，劇烈動作??又會把舊傷口重新拉開。沒有一個晚上我可以安然入睡，身體不由自主地發顫，母親只有在我身邊抱著我，安慰我。有時候，身上的養發作起來，就躺在地上全身發抖。身邊的人看著我卻無能為力，我只能用自己打臉的方式來解決。明知這種虐待自己的行為只能緩解一時，而且越打越多汁液流出來，只能更加嚴重，可在當時卻是我唯一的解決方法。這些在旁人眼中看來是再平常不過的小事，可在那些艱難的日子裡，對於我來說每天都是極大的挑戰。我曾經無數次的問神，這是為什麼？為什麼要讓祂所愛的兒女經歷這些痛苦？直到上帝把我所引以為傲的一切都收走，我才明白這是上帝對我驕傲的罪的管教。我跟上帝說，我什麼都不要了，甚至百分之百確定要退學，只要祂醫治我。
However, the reality was far apart from my hope. My healthy was getting worse every day. Every time when my skin was itchy again, I used a kind of steroid medicine to make myself feel better. Until about two years ago, this medicine was very effective. However, when I was about studying in my University, my body had managed to ignore the steroid medicine totally. My illness had been out of control. There were countless cuts and breakouts on my face. Some kind of liquid came out of these wounds. Later, the wounds recovered a little bit, and then the scars were broken again. There were lots of wounds on my neck, too. They were so deep that I couldn't turn my neck. There were wounds everywhere, my face, hands, arms and legs. I was so sick that I could no longer live a normal life. I couldn't wash my hair by myself, so my Mum had to wash it for me. For 5 months, I couldn't take a bath because there were too many cuts on my body. Because of all the wounds and scars on my face, I couldn't open my mouth to eat. I had to ask my Mum to feed me bite by bite. I couldn't brush my teeth because I couldn't put a tooth brush into my mouth. I couldn't laugh. Neither could I cry. The most painful moment was when I was sneezing. Whenever that happened, I lost control of the muscles in my face; all my scars were split at once. There was not even one night that I could sleep in peace. I was continuously shaking, and my Mum could do nothing but hold me tight. Sometimes, when my skin problem got worse, I was lying on the ground and shaking. No one else could help me, so I slapped my face. I tried to use pain to take away some itchiness. I knew I was torturing myself. I knew it was not a long term solution, and it would make my illness worse. However, that was the only thing that I could do at the moment. Everything for me was very challenging. I had asked God countless times for explanation. I didn't think I deserved to be treated like that. Why did he allow his beloved children to experience such suffering? It was not until God took away everything that I was proud of, I finally understood that God was disciplined me for my sinful pride. I told God, I would give up everything in order to be healed by him, even if it meant that I had to withdrawal from school.

直到七月的一天，我在靈修時讀到一節經文，感覺上帝在藉著這節經文跟我說話，是路加福音1:24—25："這些日子以後，他的妻子以利沙伯懷了孕，就隱藏了五個月，說：主在眷顧我的日子，這樣看待我，要把我在人間的羞恥除掉。"我跟媽媽說，上帝說他第五個月就會醫治我了。沒想到媽媽也有同樣的感動，她在靈修時讀到《啟示錄》中提到受苦五個月。神是信實的！到了九月份，我的皮膚快速康復，讓我預備好可以回學校上課。算起來四月到八月，真的是五個月的時間!感謝主，祂不會誤事，祂的時間永遠安排奇妙！
In July, I read a Bible verse when I was doing my daily devotional. I felt God was talking to me through a Bible verse, which was Luke 1:24-25: "After this his wife Elizabeth became pregnant and for five months remained in seclusion. ' The Lord has done this for me, ' she said. ' In these days he has shown his favor and taken away my disgrace among the people. ' " . I told my mum that God would heal me in 5 months. To my surprise, she also had the same idea. During her devotional time, she was reading the book of revelation, which was talking about suffering for 5 months. God is faithful. In September, I recovered so quickly that I was able to go school. From April to August, it was exactly 5 months. Thanks the Lord, he does not lose his track. His timing is always perfect.

然而在接下來上帝繼續醫治我的過程中，卻一波三折。首先是主治醫師被頻頻更換。剛開始時，我雖然相信按著上帝的時間，祂會全然醫治我。可是每次就診時，我都在心裡暗暗希望："噢，這個醫生會幫助我好起來。"每當我產生這種想法時，上帝就讓我換一個醫生。直到最後，我完全沒有辦法，只能定睛仰望從神而來的醫治，而非相信誇口自己醫術高明的醫生。
God was continuously healing me, but the whole healing process was not always smooth. Firstly, I changed several doctors. I believed God would completely heal me in his time, but I was also secretly wishing the doctor could help me. Every time when I had such idea, God made me switch to a new doctor. In the end, I was desperate because of the doctors' boasting. I had to focus on God and his almighty power for healing.

後來，爸爸回台灣時查出患上白血病。媽媽聽到消息後，一天之內火速趕回了台灣。以前上學期間，爸媽每天開車載我上學，還未下課就已等在校外要載我回家。每個禮拜送我到溫哥華PNE遊樂園附近看中醫、幫我煎藥；我身體稍有不適，就立即幫我按摩、幫我洗澡、幫我寫功課、陪我聊天解悶。但現在卻突然在一天之內，上帝把我的這些依靠都拿走了。想到接下來我的眼睛還要進行開刀手術，我心裡一下子感到空蕩蕩的，沒有一點兒安全感，只是不停的哭。教會的輔導跟我談心，也有很多弟兄姊妹來鼓勵我和弟妹們。可是面對關心我的長輩們，我卻怎麼也無法說出我真正無助徬徨的原因：不是因為擔憂爸爸生命健康——因為我知道上帝的手托住他，他會沒事的；而是因為自己的軟弱。這樣的我未免太不孝順，太不懂事了吧？
Later, my Dad was diagnosed with leukemia. Once my Mum heard this news, she left for Taiwan within 24 hours. When my parents were in town, they drove me to school every day. Before I finished my classes, they were ready to pick me up. Every week, they sent me to see a Chinese doctor near PNE, and they also helped me to prepare Chinese medicine. Whenever I didn't feel well, they gave me massage and helped me to take bath. They were also my tutors for my homework and my close friends; they lifted me up when I was down. However, God took away all of these roles in my life within a day. I had nothing to rely on anymore. And then, I was scheduled for an eye surgery, which made me feeling very empty. I was so insecure, and I couldn't stop crying. A counselor in church comforted me; many brothers and sisters encouraged my siblings and me. However, when I was facing all these caring elders, I couldn't speak out the true concerns in my heart: I was not worrying about my Dad ' s health — I truly believed God was with him, and he would be fine; I was worry because I was too weak to take care of myself. I was ashamed because I was too childish to take care of myself.

可是，全能的上帝照顧的不僅是我的身體，祂同樣也細心看顧我心靈的需要。有一天，我無意中走到學校的咖啡廳。平時因人多，我總避而不去，可那天我坐下之後，恰巧看到隔壁坐著我的一個基督徒朋友。我唏哩嘩啦的跟她道出我心裡的徬徨與無助，她開導我要相信神在這些事情上的掌管，聽完她講以後我心裡平安了許多。上帝就是這樣在對的時間，為我預備了對的人，感謝主！還有，那段時間我只能自己坐公車去上學，去看醫生。雖然距離遙遠，上帝卻又早已完完全全的預備：我要搭乘的公車停在就在我家門前，只要坐這趟公車就可抵達學校，也可抵達中醫診所門口。你可以想像嗎？這個掌管宇宙萬物運行的上帝似乎在很早以前，就已預備好我在溫哥華的家、我的學校、中醫診所，甚至連這公車路線也是上帝早早就為我準備好的。每天我就這樣從家裡出發去上學，放學後搭公車去看醫生，看完醫生再搭同樣的公車就可回家。上帝的恩典滿溢！那段時間，我幾乎每晚都是快到天亮，聽到清晨鳥叫聲才能入睡，每天晚上只能睡半個小時。早上八點半的課，我七點起床，慢慢的準備煎藥、吃藥、擦藥，還要隨時預防自己會不舒服。可是上帝每天都幫助我，讓我在睡眠嚴重缺乏的情況下，精神飽滿地去上學。而在學習當中，上帝也處處為我預備，比如說很多需要與同學以小組為單位完成的作業，上帝幫都我預備了我這一組的成員：一次其中一個同學就住在我家隔壁，每天接送我上下學；另一次，一個同學讓我不必擔心任何與展示板有關的東西，也不會給我臉色。上帝真的是在所有的事情上完全掌管一切，祂為我做的事實在是太多，這樣講下去，講也講不完。
However, the almighty God did not only care about my body, he also took care of my heart. One day, I was subconsciously walking to school cafeteria. I never liked the cafeteria in school because it was too crowded for me. However, I felt comfortable to sit down in cafeteria on that day. Right after that, I saw a Christian friend of mine was near to me. I finally got courage to open my heart. I told her all my helplessness and struggling. She encouraged me to believe God's sovereignty was over everything in my life. After talking to her, I felt much peaceful in heart. God prepared right person at right timing for me. Thanks the Lord. Meanwhile, I had to take bus to my school or to Chinese medicine clinic. It was pretty far for me to go these two places by bussing. However, God had a perfect plan ahead of time. The bus that I needed to take had a stop right in front of my home. This particular bus could also reach my school and the clinic. Can you imagine? God of the whole universe and the lord of all, he prepared the location of my home, my school, and the Chinese medicine clinic long time ago. He even planed the particular bus for me, so that I could go school every day and go to the Chinese medicine clinic after school. I could just take the same bus go home after my treatment. All of these made me filled with God's grace and mercy. During that period, I was always staying very late. Sometimes, I couldn't sleep until I heard the singing of morning bird. Every night, I slept about half an hour. I had classes at 8:30am, and I waken up at 7am. I slowly prepared my Chinese medicine, taking the medicine, and got ready to take care of myself when I didn't feel well. However, God helped me every day. When I was lacking of sleep, he made me still go school energetically. When I was studying, God also gave me many blessings. For example, I had a lot of group projects in school. He prepared some very supportive group members for me. One of them was my neighbour; she voluntarily drove me to school everyday. Another of them told me that I didn't need to worry about anything related to cardboard, and none of my group members judged me by their own standards. God was truly in control of everything. He had done so much for me. If I am continuously talking about it, I would never finish talking.

接下來的日子裡，皮膚狀況起伏不定，可是每次都憑藉上帝會醫治我的信心，心裡不再害怕、也不再徬徨。相信上帝的應許和祂的時間，靠著祂，我在軟弱裡得剛強。有時聽到朋友說："上帝要修剪枝子，樹會很痛，上帝怎麼不趕快讓它開花？"可是我知道，上帝是要讓樹的根紮得更深，來年開花所結的果子才會更甜。
Later, the condition of my skin was very unstable. One day, it got better; the day after, it got worse. However, I was courting on God. By faith, I believed God would heal me. Because of such faith, there was no fear in my heart. I was no longer struggling. I believed in God's promises and his timing. Because of him, I was getting stronger in front of my weakest issue. Sometimes, I heard my friend asking, "When God is pruning a branch, and the branch is hurting. Why God doesn't just make the branch blossom right away? " In my heart, I knew that the roots of the tree were growing deeper when God was pruning. In this way, the tree would bear sweeter fruits in following years.

每次想起自己這兩年來走過的路，就忍不住掉眼淚，覺得自己在面對這難以形容的病痛時很辛苦。可痛苦中卻有上帝所賜的勇敢。在過去兩年時光中,神除去我驕傲的心，給換成一顆專心敬畏祂的心。祂將祂的道指教我："我將你興起來,特要在你身上彰顯我的全能,並要使我的名傳遍天下。"（羅9:17）因著上帝美好的計劃和應許,我不再覺得這病對我來說是痛苦難關，反而,是個化妝的祝福。願榮耀讚美永永遠遠歸與上帝。
Whenever I am thinking about my spiritual journey during the past 2 years, I am always filled with tears. It was very difficult for me to fight with my illness, and such difficulty made me feeling overwhelmed. However, because of this painful illness, I was also blessed by godly courage. In the two-year period, God took away my pride, and he empowered me a heart with the fear of God. He teaches me with his word: "I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." （ Romans 9:17 ） Because of God ' s wonderful plans and promises, I no longer take this illness as a painful challenge. Instead, I think it is a blessing for me. May the name of our God be glorified; he is worthy of all praises.