Home昔日真理報2012年 真理報文章2012 年 8 月【社會心】EQ 影響決定左右方向

【社會心】EQ 影響決定左右方向

 

衝突傷害母子情
暑假前,學生全年成績放榜,正如眾多母親一樣,陳太滿懷盼望地期待著收到兒子成績表,看看可以報考那間大學。她雖已不敢期待有太突出的分數,但她從未想像會收到如此低落的成績,主要的四科皆僅僅及格,試問有那間大學會收讀?再細看內容,全年缺席堂數頗高,母親更難以接受。問他何以有此成績,及如此高的缺席次數。兒子似乎很樂觀地看結果,認為能升讀大專也不錯,日後仍有機會轉入大學,而缺堂更是沒有大不了。他補充:"不喜歡便不上該堂,自己看書更有用。"

陳太聽到的似乎是藉口多於理由。母子二人為此討論,結果雙方都越爭越烈,情緒急速升溫,對口大罵,甚至出現粗口,敲裂傢俱。兒子於盛怒下離家出走,雙方冷戰多時。

爆發皆因分歧深

上述情境,有中學生的家長相信並不陌生。面對不理想的成績,家長很多時都"考慮週詳",難抑失望情緒,甚至"無限上綱",想得很遙遠,推想至兒子如果入不到大學,他的人生就沒有前途,沒有希望,將來會做乞兒......。到了冷靜下來重新思考整理,再加上現實例子,未能直升著名大學的大有人在,也非世界末日,只可算是兒子"不懂珍惜機會,或不太順利",但不可確定因此就是"沒有前途,沒有希望"!因為當中有太多因素影響他未來的前程。但,當時的衝突卻可以破壞彼此關係,加深誤會,引至溝通障礙,親子關係不前或倒退。要等到對方成熟明白事理之時,可能是輕舟已過萬重山。

溝通兼顧情與理

而當時的反應,正好是雙方的 EQ 考驗時刻。當時的爭議,母親是否為了表達心中的不快、失望、不滿,要顯示出自己的過往的付出,卻得不到合理的回報,要因此而教訓兒子快去"痛定思痛,痛改前非"?兒子又是否藉爭吵及暴力而遮掩缺席、不盡力,逃避自己應負的責任?在這關鍵時刻,雙方如果都以較佳 EQ 處理,又會有何局面?無疑,在這類場合,較成熟又具人生經驗者宜採取更高技巧處理衝突。要讓兒子對此問題有深刻認識,作為母親的宜先按下自己的情緒,去了解整體事情的大局,情理兼備,才能帶出兒子認識及承認自己的責任。

關心也要同理心

父母要成為情緒智能(EQ)的好老師,必需本身能夠掌握基本的能力。身為父母如果無法分辨自己的悲傷,就不可能教導孩子認識他們的悲傷。"同理心"是父母們非常需要的技巧,到底孩子身在這樣的情境之下會有什麼樣的感受?例如孩子面對未能升大學的內心感受,你能體會嗎?一方面要根據你對兒子的了解認識,一方面你也得花些時間精神陪伴他才能知道。

學習 EQ 五範圍

父母要增強自己的情緒智能,包括五大項目:

一、認識自身的情緒。對自己情緒的察覺及了解是基礎,唯有能認識情緒才能進一步運用情緒帶來的影響。你覺得自己是"情緒帶動"行為,還是"理性帶動"行為?你知否自己有時不由自主地過於興奮衝動,有時卻又沉默無神嗎?

二、妥善管理情緒。你覺得自己在面對各種不同的壓力挫折時,能夠適當安排處理,而不是任憑宰割嗎?你可否回到工作崗位時暫時放下家裡的困擾?又或是回家後暫時忘掉公司的壓力?你可能同時面對個人健康問題、夫妻關係暗湧、子女青春期反叛、公司人事衝突壓力,而仍然能安排週末燒烤派對?

三、自我激勵。達成目標的過程中,保持熱忱、排除其它負面的干擾,是發揮才能的必要動力。在逆境時,你能否多看曙光而非只擔心惡運將臨?在看似困局難解之時,可以爭取片刻安靜,不作情緒發洩?在看似走投無路之際,你仍有一份幽默感,激勵自己"窗外依然有藍天"?

四、認知他人的情緒。察覺並了解他人的感受,這就是"同理心",是較深一層的人際技巧,是一個人在社會家庭中與他人建立關係的起點。你會用對方的角度看問題嗎?可以在了解對方的看法後,又能保持你的立場,再推展更高一層的觀點嗎?

五、人際關係的管理。了解他人的感受並能予以掌握影響,即能有效促進人際關係。一個人的人緣好壞、領導能力、協調能力都源自於此。在家庭、在工作單位、在團體裡,離不開人際關係間的週旋,你是左右逢源,還是左右為難?人人皆可埋堆,還是鶴立雞群?你是原則分明,還是妥協互利?根據甚麼因素轉變你的人際關係策略?能掌握人際關係,週旋於不同群體,而又悠然自得,這便是 EQ 的高峰。

如智商(IQ)一樣,我們都具有情緒智能(EQ)的基本水平。然而,透過學習、訓練、融會貫通,EQ 的技巧亦可以提高。由認識自己的情緒開始,到管理自己的情緒,之後再自我激勵,推己及人,建立同理心,從而建立良好的人際關係。EQ 是可以協助個人在家庭、工作、團體、社交等範疇,都有更合宜的關係和成就。陳太和她的兒子,如果增強了 EQ 技巧,相信會能達到更有建設性的結果。

 

      聖經金句 (Bible Verses)

喜樂 Joy

喜樂的心乃是良藥;憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。箴言 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

然而,我要因耶和華歡欣,因救我的 神喜樂。哈巴谷書 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:18

要常常喜樂,不住的禱告,凡事謝恩。帖撒羅尼迦前書 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

饒恕 Forgiveness

主啊,你本為良善,樂意饒恕人,有豐盛的慈愛賜給凡求告你的人。詩篇 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

你不要說:“我要以惡報惡”;要等候耶和華,他必拯救你。箴言 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will avenge you. Proverbs 6:14

你們饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯;馬太福音 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

你們不饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必不饒恕你們的過犯。馬太福音 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

你們各人若不從心裡饒恕你的弟兄,我天父也要這樣待你們了。馬太福音 18:35
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. Matthew 18:35

謙卑 Humility

敬畏耶和華是智慧的訓誨;尊榮以前,必有謙卑。箴言 15:33
Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

敬畏耶和華心存謙卑,就得富有、尊榮、生命為賞賜。箴言 22:4
Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. Proverbs 22:4

凡事不可結黨,不可貪圖虛浮的榮耀;只要存心謙卑,各人看別人比自己強。腓立比書 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

驕傲 Pride

驕傲來,羞恥也來;謙遜人卻有智慧。箴言 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

驕傲只啟爭競;聽勸言的,卻有智慧。箴言 13:10
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Proverbs 13:10

驕傲在敗壞以先;狂心在跌倒之前。箴言 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

忍耐 Patience

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

並且你們要為我的名,被眾人恨惡,惟有忍耐到底的,必然得救。馬可福音 13:13
Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13

不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3

我們行善,不可喪志;若不灰心,到了時候就要收成加拉太書 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

你們也當忍耐,堅固你們的心,因為主來的日子近了。雅各書 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. James 5:8

溫柔 Meekness

回答柔和,使怒消退;言語暴戾,觸動怒氣。箴言 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

溫柔的人有福了,因為他們必承受地土。馬太福音 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

用溫柔勸戒那抵擋的人;或者 神給他們悔改的心,可以明白真道。提摩太後書 2:25
Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 2:25

只要以裡面存著長久溫柔、安靜的心為妝飾;這在 神面前是極寶貴的。彼得前書 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4

嫉妒 Envy

不要為作惡的心懷不平,也不要向那行不義的生出嫉妒。詩篇 37:1
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. Psalm 37:1

心中安靜是肉體的生命;嫉妒是骨中的朽爛。箴言 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

在何處有嫉妒、紛爭,就在何處有擾亂和各樣的壞事。雅各書 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

生氣 Anger

當止住怒氣,離棄忿怒;不要心懷不平,以致作惡。詩篇 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

好生氣的人,不可與他結交;暴怒的人,不可與他來往。箴言 22:24
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 22:24

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

生氣卻不要犯罪.不可含怒到日落。以弗所書 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

我親愛的弟兄們,這是你們所知道的,但你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說,慢慢的動怒,因為人的怒氣並不成就 神的義。雅各書 1:19,20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19,20

災難 Calamity

謹守口與舌的、就保守自己免受災難。箴言 21:23
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23

民要攻打民、國要攻打國、多處必有地震、饑荒.這都是災難的起頭。馬可福音 13:8
Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains. Mark 13:8

憂愁 Worry

你們不要憂愁、因靠耶和華而得的喜樂是你們的力量。尼希米記 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

主雖使人憂愁, 還要照他諸般的慈愛發憐憫。耶利米哀歌 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

凡勞苦擔重擔的人,可以到我這裡來,我就使你們得安息。馬太福音 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

我留下平安給你們、我將我的平安賜給你們.我所賜的、不像世人所賜的.你們心裏不要憂愁、也不要膽怯。約翰福音 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

應當一無掛慮,只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝,將你們所要的告訴神。神所賜出人意外的平安,必在基督耶穌裡,保守你們的心懷意念。腓立比書 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

因此, 你們是大有喜樂, 但如今, 在百般的試煉中暫時憂愁。彼得前書 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:6

患難 Trouble, Suffering

義人多有苦難,但耶和華救他脫離這一切。詩篇 34:19
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19

神是我們的避難所,是我們的力量,是我們在患難中隨時的幫助!詩篇 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

耶和華本為善,在患難的日子為人的保障,並且認得那些投靠他的人。那鴻書 1:7
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

為義受逼迫的人有福了,因為天國是他們的。馬太福音 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

不但如此,就是在患難中,也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

我想現在的苦楚,若比將來要顯於我們的榮耀,就不足介意了。羅馬書 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

因為你們蒙恩,不但得以信服基督,並要為他受苦。腓立比書 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him. Philippians 1:29

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