| The Answer From Heavenly Father -- Xiaolan Ding ’ s Testimony |
天父的答案 -- 丁曉嵐的見證 |
| Written by Xiaolan Ding Translated by：Ted Zhao |
作者：丁曉嵐 翻譯：趙泰和 |
我自小生長在上海，由于父母離異的原因，我從小覺得自己是多餘的。在每個歇斯底里的夜晚，我蜷縮在被窩裡，不停地問上帝為什麼要讓我生在這世上？我活著到底有什麼意義？
I grew up in Shanghai. Because of my parents' divorce, I felt that I was a useless person. Every night, I restlessly lay in bed and asked God, "Why was I born in this world?" and "What is the meaning of my life?"
在那些年裡，我唯一接觸過的基督徒，是我12歲時在蘇州見到的太婆婆。當時，92歲高齡的她病重在床。懵懂的我掃視四週，在那小小的房間裡，白墻上的紅色十字架吸引了我的視線。那時，太婆婆用她瘦骨嶙峋的手，握著我稚嫩的小手，卯足了勁對我說"上帝保佑你。"而這句話，讓我第一次認識神。
The only Christian I knew back then was my great-grandmother in Suzhou when I was 12. She was 92 years old and bedridden. One time when I looked at her tiny room, a red cross on the wall caught my sight. She held my tender hands in her skinny hands, and mustering up all her strength she said to me, "God bless you." Through these words, I experienced God for the first time.
多年以後，我移民加拿大。登陸後的第一件事，就是去教堂，去那個我在國內夢寐以求的地方。我經同學介紹來到溫哥華浸信會信友堂，並於2010年10月10日受洗歸主。
Years later, I immigrated to Canada. The first thing I did after landing was to go to church — to the place I dreamed about back in China. My classmate brought me to Faith Chinese North American Baptist Church. On October 10th, 2010, I was baptized into the family of Christ.
那一天，我一生難忘。在受洗前作禱告時，我痛哭。我哭，因為我終於回到了家。可奇怪的是，我在受洗以後向上帝做的禱告，沒有一次應驗。甚至，我禱告的結果會往我不希望的那個方向去。這個情況持續了很久。
It was an unforgettable day. While praying before my baptism, I wept a lot. I wept because I had finally returned home. However, after my baptism, nothing that I prayed for came to pass. In fact, sometimes the result was exactly the opposite from what I wanted. This lasted for a long time.
在這期間，我在教會認識了他。他，是第一個走進我心裡的人，可他並不是基督徒。天真的我曾以為，他是上帝給我的祝福，哪里想到這其實是來自撒旦的誘惑。人真的很軟弱。《聖經》上明明記載著："你們和不信的原不相配，不要同負一軛。義和不義有什麼相交呢？光明和黑暗有什麼相通呢？"（哥林多後書6:14）可當時的我，根本聽不進去。日子一天天地過去，我也一天天放任自己的私慾。直到他突然離開了我，而離開我的理由，竟然只是因為我妨礙到了他與女生社交的自由，因為覺得不開心。
During the midst of this, I met someone at church. He was the first person who ever entered into my heart, but he was not a Christian. Naively I thought that he was my blessing from God; I never even considered the possibility that he was a temptation from Satan. Humans are indeed very weak. The Bible plainly states: "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? " (2 Corinthians 6:14). But at that time, there was no way I would have obeyed such a command. Day after day, I indulged my sensual desires, until suddenly, he left me. Shockingly, his reason for leaving me was that I interfered with his social life with other women.
那一刻，我終於明白了我們不是同一路人。而那時，我已經離神好遠好遠。第一次認認真真愛一個人的經歷，卻以失敗告終。這個現實對我打擊很大。真的不明白，為什麼已經拿出了所有的愛來愛他，他卻還要這樣傷害我。之後的幾個月裡，我很傷心、很頹廢，總感覺自己無時無刻都被黑暗包圍著。為奶奶禱告，這是我在這期間唯一與神的交流。可卻害怕，害怕做完禱告後又會往壞的方向去。神再一次試煉了我。結果，我又再一次被擊敗了。我選擇了逃避。這一次，我用繁忙的學業和工作來麻醉自己，就這樣過了五個月。
At that moment, I finally understood that we were not of the same kind. It was then I realized that I had fallen very far from God. My first experience loving someone had ended in failure. This was devastating to me. I could not understand why, after loving him with all my heart, he could hurt me so badly. In the following months, my heart was broken and I felt beaten down; I was constantly surrounded by darkness. Praying for my grandmother was the only communication I had with God. However, I developed a fear of things turning bad after I prayed. God put me to trial once again, yet once again I was defeated. I chose to escape by numbing myself with a heavy workload.
在這五個月裡，我每天過著漫無目的的日子。雖然照樣做著要做的事，但我像是一個沒有靈魂的軀殼。在這期間，我曾想過要回到主面前，可每次看到十字架，心中竟有莫名的恐懼。我心裡害怕是因為我沒有聽天父的話，可是這種行尸走肉的日子我真的一天都不想再過了。回想上一次真正開心，竟是在教會的時候。於是，我渴望回到教會的心願越來越強烈。是的，我想念我的姐妹們，我想念教會的生活。
Five months had passed by and I lived purposelessly. Although I went through all the motions, I felt like a corpse without a soul. During this period I thought about turning back to God, but an inexpressible fear rose in my heart every time I saw the cross. I was afraid because I did not obey the Father, but even more so, I was tired of living like the walking dead. Trying to recall the last time I had true joy, it was actually at church. Therefore, my desire to return to church grew ever more intensely. Indeed, I missed my sisters in Christ; I missed my church life.
最後，經過內心的掙扎，我終於鼓起勇氣回到教會做禮拜。剛回去時，我感到熟悉又陌生。在聽牧師講道時，我一邊仰望十字架，一邊害怕上帝會不原諒我。在默禱時，我真真切切地、痛徹心扉地向上帝做了悔改的禱告，祈求天父能夠原諒我所犯的罪，讓我的靈命在主裡得到成長。
Finally, after much struggle, I summoned up the courage to return to church for worship. My church experience was familiar yet strange. During the sermon, I looked up to the cross, fearing that God may not forgive me. When it was time for silent prayer, I repented with a genuine and contrite heart; I asked God to forgive the sins I committed and lead me to spiritual growth. God is truly faithful!
真的，上帝是信實的！就在我回教會的一個禮拜以後，我第一次去參加了佈道會。佈道會的信息，一字一句地澆灌著我枯涸已久的靈命。其間的見證，更讓我驚奇與我的經歷竟如此相似！在我裡面那顆懺悔內疚的心再一次被牽動。我真的辜負了上帝的愛！
Just a week after I returned to church, I attended an evangelistic meeting. Every word of the sermon spoke to me and it moved my penitent heart once again. How I have squandered God's love! In fact, God has always been with me; he has never forsaken me!
其實，上帝一直和我在一起，祂從沒有拋棄過我！我從很小就認識了祂，而祂也一直陪伴著我。當我受洗後，我已經回到了家裡。我不必再去向上帝索取，從而來認識到祂的存在了；我要做的功課是真正地堅信祂、時刻仰望祂、學習祂的真理、榮耀祂的名！是我自己被罪蒙蔽了雙眼，認不清上帝的美意。一次次的試煉，我一次次讓上帝失望，愛我的天父該有多麼痛心啊！可祂並沒有離我而去，在我經歷痛苦的日子裡，是祂把我背在肩上，扛著我一起走過的。
I met Him when I was a child and He has always been alongside of me. After I got baptized, I finally found my home. I should have known that I did not need to prove God's presence by making demands on Him. Instead, I ought to trust in Him firmly, fix my eyes on Him, study His truth and glorify His name! Because I was blinded by my sins, I could not see God's wonderful purpose. Again and again I was tested yet again and again I had disappointed God. How grieved must God be! However, He did not depart from me; it was Him who carried me through all my sufferings.
當我真的意識到了這一點時，我在心中看見了一個燃燒著的十字架。我知道，我這一生都要背起這十架，走完這充滿荊棘的天路。
Once I realized this, a vision of a burning cross appeared in my mind. I understood that this is the cross I will carry for my entire life walking the thorn-filled path towards heaven.
在經歷過這些事後，我又回到了最初的那個問題：我存在的意義到底是什麼？當我不停地思索時，幫助別人的念頭浮現在我腦海裡。從事一項能夠幫助別人的工作、傳講福音，這是我真正想要做的事。我要活出耶穌的生命來。
Eventually, I was taken back to the question again, "What is the meaning of my existence?" After endless pondering, I arrived at the idea of helping others. To engage in works that will help others and to spread the gospel — this is exactly what I desired. I need to live out the life of Christ.
就這樣，我再次來到主的面前禱告，尋求祂。而我則馬上得到了回應：你不要害怕，因為我與你同在；不要驚惶，因為我是你的神。我必堅固你，我必幫助你；我必用我公義的右手扶持你。——以賽亞書41:10
So I came to God again in prayer to seek Him, and got the answer right away: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. " (Isaiah 41:10)
現在的我，為了能夠榮耀上帝之名而努力奮鬥著。內心充滿著喜樂和平安！
Now I am filled with the joy for having been called to strive for the glory of God.