昔日真理報 -

父親是7月18號主日去教會的路上生病入院的，他被推進重症監護室還不到兩分鐘，醫生就下了病危通知。那幾天裡，醫生只有一句話："情況很不好，你們要做好心理準備。" 在病危通知單上簽字時，我安慰母親："沒事的，醫生只是提醒我們最糟的情況，會沒事的。" 在我看來，醫生的話再嚴重也不過是人的話，我信靠的可是神，是會行神跡救我父親的神，醫生怎麼可能懂呢。
但直到牧師和師母來醫院看望父親時，問我們："怎麼樣？這幾天禱告心裡平安嗎？"我才意識到，這只不過是自己一厢情願的想法。"如果父親不醒，我就不信了，"我回答牧師。那一刻，眼淚毫無徵兆地落下，我第一次為可能存在的另外一種答案而恐懼。
My dad was admitted into the hospital on his way to church on July 18th. Within two minutes after he entered the Intensive Care Unit (ICU), the doctor issued a critical condition notice. He only had one comment: "His situation is critical, you should be psychologically prepared." From my point of view, a doctor's words, however extreme, are still a human's words. I trust in GOD—it is God who can perform a miracle to save my dad. How could the doctor understand this? I was confident of God's deliverance—at least, I thought I was. In fact, I had been threatening God arrogantly. Aren't you the ONE true and living God? Aren't you the ONE who can make blind see and crippled walk? Aren't you the ONE who rose from the dead to life? Dad is not even dead yet—surely this is an easy task for YOU. If YOU will, dad will wake up for sure. I was arrogant up until my pastor and his wife came to visit my dad. He asked us: "How are you? Do you find peace these days in your prayers?" Suddenly, my confidence was shattered. "If dad does not wake up, I will not believe anymore", I replied to pastor. At that moment, tears flooded my eyes. For the first time, I feared the other possibility.

實際上，是我一直在威脅神，而且理直氣壯。袮不是又真又活的嗎？你不是可以讓瞎子看見、瘸子走路嗎？你不是能讓死人復活嗎?更何況父親還沒有死。只要你肯，父親就一定會醒來。所以如果父親醒不來，我就不信你了。約拿說："我因這棵蓖麻發怒以至於死，都合乎理。"我和約拿同樣歇斯底里——我因父親生病發怒以至於死，都合乎理。

"If dad does not wake up, I will not believe in God anymore". In the book of Jonah, the scripture says: "But God said to Jonah, "Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?" "I do," he said. "I am angry enough to die." I became as irrational as Jonah, and I am angry enough to die because of father's illness.

父親入院後，我才第一次意識到，原來我是那麼愛我的父親，我不再以他為恥，不再因有他這樣的父親而敏感自卑。這個突然的醒悟，讓我對神充滿了憤怒。神怎麼可以這樣？神怎麼能利用我的父親，用二十五年給我一個為世人所不齒的家庭，再用他的離世來醫治我？憤怒和恐懼，讓我選擇逃避，不斷告訴自己，這不過是一場夢，父親總有一天會醒過來的......

Only after my dad was hospitalized did I realize how much I loved my father. No longer did I feel ashamed of him or felt unworthy because of him. But this sudden realization only served to intensify my anger towards GOD. How dare God use my dad, my family's 25 years of brokenness, and now my dad's death, to heal me? Anger and fear lead me to flee. I kept telling myself this is only a dream and that dad would wake up one day.

20號下午去醫院探望父親，給牧師和師母發短信，告知父親依然重度昏迷。牧師回復我："主必有奇妙的作為，或在你身上，或在你父親身上，因他的愛勝過你的愛。"那一刻，我的眼睛死死盯在"在你父親身上"這幾個字上，覺得力量又回來了，心裡認為神跡一定會發生。

On the third day, I sent text message to pastor and his wife to inform them that my dad was still in a severe coma. The Pastor replied to me: "The Lord certainly makes wonder. It will be either on you or on your father. This is because HIS love above all your love." At that moment, my eyes were fixed on that phrase—"on your father". Suddenly I felt my strength return to me. I believed that a miracle would certainly happen.

那天晚上，在離開醫院的路上，丈夫的手機突然響了，他看了一眼後轉頭看我："醫院打來的。"我頓時覺得全身的血液都凝固了。"有沒有好轉？"丈夫對著手機問，我奪過電話，那頭說："沒有。前三天他胃裡都往外排東西，無法進食，現在不排了，可以給他用胃管滴流質......"我覺得神跡要發生了，衝回家熬了米湯，又拎了牛奶直奔醫院。到了病房，醫生見到我就說："給你們打完電話，不久他的胃又開始排，現在不能喂了。"神啊，你是在耍我嗎？我很憤怒，但更多的是恐懼。

As we were leaving the hospital later that evening, my husband's phone rang. He answered the call. "It is from hospital", he silently mouthed to me. I felt my blood pressure rising. He continued to speak with the person on the other end of the line, "Are there any improvements on his condition?" he asked. I couldn't take it anymore, I snatched the phone from him. The voice on the other side said: "No improvements. The first three days his stomach had outflow and he has not been able to intake. Now that the outflow has stopped, we may try gastric tube feeding". I felt that the miracle would happen anytime now, so I rushed back home and prepared rice soup and milk so I could take it straight back to hospital.
When I entered hospital ward, the doctor told me: "Just after we finished phone call, his stomach started outflow again; now we are not able to do tube feeding." I was devastated. "My God, are you kidding me?" But more than anger, more than disappointment, more than bitterness—I felt fear.

父親病重的幾天裡，我的腦子一片混亂。禱告、恐懼、回憶、自責，剩下的就是一片空白。回想父親一生的經歷。他很苦，受過太多人的傷害：父母的、兄弟的、朋友的、還有我這個女兒的。父親在家中排行老大，是個顧念兄弟侄子，照顧朋友的人,但他卻不懂得如何愛母親和我，因為他的父母既不相愛，也不愛他。二十幾年了，我們一家三口，三個人，三個地方，才剛團聚僅僅三個月，神就要他離開。我真的想不通。"神就是見不得我們家好！"對著主裡的姊妹，我發洩心中對神的憤怒。

During the days that my father was in critical condition, my mind was very confused. Pray; fear; flashbacks; regrets—the rest, for me, is blank. As I look back at my father's life, I realized that he had a difficult one. He was hurt by many people: his parents, brothers, friends, and even me—his daughter. My father was the eldest son of family. He took good care of this family and friends. However, He did not know how to love my mother or I, because his parents did not love each other, nor did they love him. In the past 20 years, the three of us have only spent the past three months together. I felt that God was taking my dad from me, and I really couldn't understand. I expressed my anger with God to my sisters in Christ saying, "God does not like to see my family doing well!"

到了第四天，醫生通知我們："三天了，你們做個決定吧。你父親已經沒有意識和呼吸了......"要下決定的那一刻，我全身發軟，簽字的手仿佛是劊子手。他可是我至親的人啊，我甚至有種想要比父親先死的感覺。

然而，神卻是那麼憐憫我的軟弱。那天早上，父親血壓驟降至60多,還不到我們與醫生約定的9點。神沒有讓我做那個為難的決定。
On fourth day, doctor asked us: "It has been three days. You need to a make decision. Your father no longer has consciousness and active breathing." At that moment, I felt so weak. Why must I be the executioner? He is my most beloved person. I even wished that I could take my father's place in death. However, God had mercy on my weakness. Later that morning, my father's blood pressure dropped to around 60 and then he passed away. Even before my 9:00 am appointment with the doctor, God removed my responsibility from making such a difficult decision.

回想與父親相處的最後這三個月，我心中不再責怪神，我知道這是祂的恩典，讓我們在父親離世之前得享最後的天倫之樂。二十五年的疏遠與隔閡還是讓我們沒法像別的家庭那樣親密、無話不談，但我們比過去任何時候都要親近、快樂。第一次操練擁抱父母，對他們說"我愛你"，第一次父母一同去我和丈夫婚後的新家，第一次一起去超市買魚，第一次讓父親請吃飯......雖然這些第一次，也是最後一次，但如果不是天父的慈愛和恩典，我又如何能在地上的父親離開之前，留下一生中關於父親最美好的回憶呢。

Looking back at last three month with my dad, my heart no longer blames God. I now understand that it was HIS grace that gave us a joyful reunion before my dad's passing. Twenty five years of alienation and blockage cost us the closeness of talking openly to each other. But in those last days, we were closer and happier than in any time of our past. For the first time, I hugged my parents and told them "I love you". For the first time, my parents visited my house. For the first time, we went shopping together for seafood in the supermarket. For the first time, I allowed my father take us out for dinner. Although I knew that these first times would also be our last times, it is by God's love and grace that I could receive these beautiful memories from my father before he left us.

如牧師所說："主的愛勝過我的愛。"祂的道路高過我們的道路，祂的意念非同我們的意念。從開始到現在，以及未知的將來，我會一直從這句話裡得安慰。

Just as what pastor has said: "Lord's love is above my love.", HIS ways is higher than our ways and HIS thoughts than our thoughts. From now on, and to unknown future, I will always get comfort from these words from HIM.