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【編者按】在許多中國人的心目中，父親應該有一副不苟言笑的尊容。他的話，做兒子的不能違抗；他的意願，全家都得遵循；不管他是否有理，他都是對的。天下間到底有多少這樣的父親？而這樣的父親有一天，也會突然在兒子的面前求饒恕。真是不可思議！
是甚麼力量使老樹彎腰？是怎樣的溫暖使冰山融化？
我與兒子的關係就彷彿是一個世紀凝積的冰山，若能在我有生之年把它融化，談何容易呢？我一輩子都尊崇儒家思想，那「君君、臣臣、父父、子子」的觀念可以說在我腦子裡已根深蒂固。我在兒子的面前永遠是一副嚴肅且高高在上的尊容。從他小時候起，我就沒給過他笑臉，對他也不理不睬。他若遇到難處來找我，我都責怪他，罵他，說這一切都是他的錯。在我眼裡，他哪有對的時候？所以，他從來都不太敢和我說話。
我對他的管教與其說是嚴厲，倒不如說是粗暴。他三歲時，我因他和媽媽頂嘴，就用一塊厚厚的竹板子打他，幾下子就把板子打斷了。他初中畢業時，我又因他和媽媽頂嘴，就用一根很粗的竹竿子抽他，直把它打碎了。以後他即使上了大學，讀研究生，被稱為天之驕子，但一看到我，他就低著頭，像耗子見到貓，不是閉口不語，就是藉故開溜。後來，兒子去美國拿到博士學位，並成家立業，還生了兩個可愛的女兒，我和太太也來美國探親。本該是合家團聚，其樂無比；可是，我那父道尊嚴的老思想給這個家帶來了冰山的氣息。
一個週末，兒子建議出門玩，全家人都高高興興，而我卻坐著生悶氣：「哼！我是你爸，你竟然出門都不跟我商量，連招呼都不打就想走啊！」即刻，歡樂的氣氛一下子變得冰冷，和樂的週末就讓我攪和了。在我心裡，兒子就是兒子，長多大，都得聽父親的。更何況，我過的橋不比他走的路還多嗎？
有一次，我不滿兒子玩股票，趁他賺了一些錢時，就讓他趕快把股票賣掉，而他卻不聽。兩個月後，股市大跌，他損失不小。接著，他就整天悶悶不樂，常常亂發脾氣。我想：「你不聽老人言，吃虧在眼前。你給我看甚麼臉色啊！」所以，我也常橫眉豎眼，不給他好臉色看，於是我們的關係就越來越僵。
有一次，他又跟他媽媽頂嘴，我氣得從廚房拿了一把刀，衝到他面前，那時我真有殺他的念頭，如此不孝子，留他何用！三歲大的孫女嚇得抱著我哭：「爺爺，不要傷害爸爸！」看著她滿臉淚水，我的心軟了；但我和兒子的關係更加緊張，成了勢不兩立的仇敵。
我越想越氣，我和太太為了這個兒子吃了多少苦啊！我們倆在中國反右運動中，都被打成右派份子。我從大學教書的位置上被趕下來，降薪降職，發配到玻璃廠當工人。文化大革命時，我的太太和兒子也被趕到農村勞動，還指派挑全村人的大糞。在那屈辱、艱難的日子裡，太太多少次想投河自盡，但因著兒子，就忍辱地活了下來。
那時，我們做的是最髒、最累的活兒，賺的錢卻很難養家，而且還處處遭人羞辱，我們活得真是生不如死啊！為省錢給兒子繳學費，我常常餓著不吃飯，省點錢和糧票寄給他們母子。我們為兒子如此忍辱負重，他現在竟給我們臉色看，我怎能嚥得下這口氣呢？後來，我常常因一點點小事就想要動刀子殺他。
太太在臨終前再三囑咐我，要和兒子好好相處，我雖勉強答應；但是，融化多年的冰雪，這豈是我個人能力辦得到的呢？後來，一對年輕的基督徒夫婦把我帶到教會，使我在孤寂中一下子找到了依靠和安慰。
我是一個無神論者，唯物論在我心中已經根深蒂固了。我認為神只是人因迷信而在大腦中製造出來的偶像，是一種精神寄託。就在老伴去世前的兩個月，她竟然接受了洗禮。臨終前，教會有幾個弟兄來我家為她禱告。我從老伴安詳的臉上看到一種平安與祥和，我的心門彷彿突然打開。我的老伴是基督徒，她離開世間後，會去天堂。當基督徒真好！
於是，我決定去教會，同時也想在孤獨中找到一個心靈的家，所以也很快信耶穌和接受洗禮。雖然我這個人很固執；但既然決定相信，就很認真，要搞明白我所信的耶穌是不是一位真實的、活生生的上帝？我很認真地學習，無論是講臺的信息，還是小組組長的教導，都句句遵循。每天早晨五點鐘起來親近上帝，讀聖經禱告，學習凡事讚美主，聽錄音帶的信息，並為我這體弱多病之軀禱告。
不久， 我失去老伴的悲傷和孤獨， 就被上帝同在的甜蜜所代替了；於是我更積極追求認識上帝。過了一段日子，伴著我多年的藥罐子不翼而飛，我變得容光煥發。我不茍言笑的個性也變得開朗喜樂，精神越來越好！我想，我是不是返老還童了？
我還發現，我的脾氣變了。最大的變化是我與兒子之間的緊張關係。信耶穌後，我持續讀經禱告，常常感覺到上帝藉著經文對我說話。有天，我讀到一節經文：「你們饒恕人的過犯，你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯。」（馬太福音六14）我想，我是不是該饒恕我的兒子呢？可是，我的老臉怎麼拉得下？又如何做呢？我就把這個難處告訴小組組長，她教我為兒子禱告，並把禱告詞都給我寫下來；於是我就照著禱詞，天天為自己和兒子禱告。
在一次冬令會上，聽牧師說，父母對兒女的傷害不僅影響兒女的一生，還會遺害一代又一代，這就是為甚麼大多數中國人都有從權柄來的傷害。受傷的人常會有人際關係的問題，因為他們也會傷害別人。若想從這傷害中得醫治，認罪、饒恕是醫治的關鍵。我聽了非常震驚，坐立不安。
此刻，上帝就在我的心裡光照我說：「一個皮球，你若打它有多重，它就反彈有多高。如今，你兒子的壞脾氣就是你多年的打壓所造成的。」這問題太嚴重了！我不僅害了他，連我的孫女都要受害了！看來，不是我饒恕他；而是我應該求他的饒恕。
冬令會後，我在家中轉來轉去，花了三天的時間，想著道歉的臺詞。最使我為難的是，我怎麼拉得下這父道尊嚴的老臉？我左思右想，怎麼都覺得不妥。我想起小組組長教過我，當我在不知怎麼做的時候，就禱告，求上帝來替我解決問題。於是我禱告說：「上帝啊，我真的不知道該怎麼做，求袮 幫助我！讓我知道怎麼去向兒子道歉。」
第二天，我去找兒子，吞吞吐吐地開不了口，直到他要送我回家了，我才硬著頭皮說：「我有話對你說。」於是，我咬咬牙，一口氣把憋在肚裡的話全都講出來。我一邊講一邊流淚，最後，我們父子倆抱頭痛哭。他哭喊著：「爸爸，您不要說了！我全知道了！」我不肯罷休：「不行！當著上帝的面，你一定要說原諒我！」當他開口原諒我時，我感受到，我們之間那塊又厚又硬的冰山，在瞬間融化了！我們心中積壓了多年的苦毒，在上帝的面前，即刻冰消瓦解了。
那年春節，我準備好紅包，興沖沖地跑到兒子家，孫女從我手中接過紅包，就要去玩，兒子把她們抓住，硬要她們給我磕頭。我連連搖手，讓她們不要這樣，這可是美國啊！現在，連國內都不興這個了；但兒子堅持要讓她們磕三個頭，然後，兒子也跪下來，連磕三個響頭，並大聲說：「爸爸，兒子不孝，這麼多年來，我做了很多對不起您的事，您能原諒我嗎？」我流著淚點點頭。此時，我才真正體會到，甚麼叫做人心融化。
後來，兒子的白血病第二次復發，醫生說，遇到這樣的病況，病人幾乎是九死一生；但我相信，人的生死是在上帝手中，不是在醫生的口中。於是我天天為兒子禱告。在禱告中，上帝把平安放在我心裡。我對兒子說：「兒子，別怕！ 我很肯定， 上帝一定醫治你！ 」尚不信主耶穌的兒子聽了，半信半疑。後來，在他的醫治過程中發生了許多奇蹟，他接受了一個正在試驗階段的手術（臍帶造血），收到前所未有的好效果。終於，他從死亡的懸崖邊返回！現在他的白血球已經恢復到正常人的數量，已回公司上班。而且他不僅信主受洗，全家大小也都歸於主基督耶穌的名下。我們這一家實在有福啊！
我想，沒有我和他的和好，我又怎能為他忠心代禱呢？沒有我生命的改變，沒有我親身經歷爭戰禱告的得勝，他怎麼會相信為他死而復活的主耶穌基督呢？我知道，上帝讓萬事互相效力，就是要叫我們信祂的人得著益處，那麼，發生在我們家中的一切，都有上帝的美意。我要將感謝、頌讚都歸給我們的上帝！（劉帆整理）
本文鏈結：http://ccmusa.org/read/read.aspx?id=CTD20120601
網上轉貼請註明「原載中信月刊第602期（中國信徒佈道會）」。
CROSSING THE CHASM DEEP AND WIDE
Comment from the editor:
When being asked about the image of a father, many Chinese will think of a man with a straight face and little words. A son must never question his decisions, and the whole family must follow his will. Too many fathers are like this! Yet one day, this stern father suddenly pleaded to his son for forgiveness. How unimaginable it is! What drove him to strike such an undignified pose before his son? What enabled him to cross the wide chasm between the father and son?
My relationship with my son was rocky for quite a long time. The chasm was far too wide, and I never thought I'd reach the other side. Confucian doctrines were once the guidelines of my life. The idea of authoritarian parenting was so deeply-rooted in me that I always put on a serious face with a superior look before my son. Even when he was a little boy, I rarely smiled to him. When he faced difficulties and sought help from me, I would always place the blame on him and said that those problems were all his faults. Because of this, he dared not even talk to me.
My discipline to my son was very brutal. When he was only three years old, I beat him with a thick bamboo ruler because he did not obey his mother. The ruler was broken after several strikes. Right after he graduated from Junior high school, he argued with his mother again. This time I whipped him with a bamboo stick. I did not stop until the stick was broken into pieces. Since then, whenever my son saw me, he would bow down his head with fear. Then he would either keep silence or found excuse to slip away, just like a mouse seeing a cat. Things did not improve even after he went to the university and got his master degree. Although he gained respect from other people, he still feared me.
My son went to U.S. and completed his Doctorial degree. He got married and settled down there. After his two adorable daughters were born, my wife and I went to visit him. This should have been a time of family reunion; pleasant and enjoyable. However, I ruined it all when I trying to hold the highest authority over the family as a father. The tension accumulated in the family. In my eyes, a son should always behave like a son. No matter how old he is, he must obey his father. After all, I am the one that is more experienced, isn't it?
One day, he argued with his mother again. I was outraged and confronted him with a knife from the kitchen. At that moment, I really wanted to kill him because he was so disobedient that he deserved to die. My three-year old grand-daughter was very scared. She held me by my leg, crying "Grandpa! Don't kill my dad!" Looking at her tearful face, my heart was softened. However, the tension between me and my son increased, and we became enemies.
The more I thought about it, the angrier I would become. For this son, my wife and I had endured a tearful face, my heart was softened. Both of us were accused to be the rightists in the anti-rightist movement in China. I could no longer teach in the university as a professor, and was sent to a glass factory as a worker. In the "Culture Revolution", my wife and son was also sent to the countryside. They were forced to do the dirtiest job in the village. In those days, it was so humiliated that my wife wanted to drown herself in the river. But when she thought of my son, she chose to live and endured all the insults. We took the hardest and dirtiest jobs, yet the income could hardly provide for the family. Wherever we went, people around despised us. In order to save for my son's education, I tightened my belt and often skipped meals. In this way, I could send more money and food stamps to my wife and son. We endured all these for him, and now he returned me with this angry look all day long. That was just too much! From then on, even small conflicts between us would trigger my thought of killing him.
In my wife's last moment before she passed away; she asked me to reconcile with my son. At her pleading, I gave a reluctant promise. But the chasm was far too wide that even if I was willing to reconcile, I could not. Then a young Christian couple took me to church. I found supports and comforts there. This eased my loneliness.
I was an atheist. Deeply rooted materialism had kept me from believing God. I held the opinion that God was just an idol made by human beings. It was plainly superstitious. To my surprise, my wife was baptized two months before she passed away. Several brothers came to my home to pray for her at her bed. She was very peaceful during her final minutes. My heart opened up to God because of this peace I saw. As a Christian, she knew she would go to heaven after leaving this world. What a blessing to be a Christian! As a result, I decided to go to church, trying to find a home for my lonely soul. It was not long before I was converted and baptized. Stubborn as I was, I sought the truth earnestly once getting started. I really wanted to know if Jesus was the one true, living God. I studied the Bible a lot and tried to absorb all the teachings from sermons and group discussion. Every morning at 5:00am, I started my day by reading Bible and praying. I have learned to praise God in all circumstances and often listened to gospel tapes. I also prayed for my health as I was very sick and weak at that time.
Before long, the sweetness of God's presence replaced my loneliness and the sorrow of losing my wife. So I sought God even more earnestly. After some time, I felt much better. The medicine bottles and pill boxes which had surrounded me for many years were no longer needed. I once was always frowning and straight, and now I could open my heart and be joyful all the time. I became so energetic that sometimes I felt young.
I also found my temper was getting better. The biggest progress was the turning of the stormy relationship with my son. After I was converted, I kept on reading Bible and praying. From time to time, God spoke to me through His word. One day, I came across this verse, "For if you forgive men when the sin against you, your heavenly father will forgive you." (Mathew 6:14). I told my group leader about all my struggles in forgiving my son. She taught me to pray for my son and wrote down the prayers for me. From then on, I prayed for my son every day, using those written prayers as a guide.
In a winter retreat, a pastor preached about the relationship between parents and children. He said that the brokenness in this relationship would not only have a life-long influence over the children themselves, but also would pass on to the future generations. That is the reason why so many Chinese were hurt and abused by those in authority. The victims of the abuse would have difficulties in building up good relationships, because they would tend to hurt others in the same way. The key of healing is to repent and forgive. I was shocked to learn this fact and became restless and anxious.
At that moment, God's light shined upon me. I was the one hurting my son by giving him so much pressure all these years. It would also hurt my granddaughters! I was the one who should plead for forgiveness, not my son. After the winter retreat, I was thinking all the words I could say to apologize. The most difficult part for me was to put my dignity aside and say sorry to my son. Then I pray desperately to God.
The next day, I went to see my son, and tried to apologize. When it was time for him to drive me home, I finally got the strength to say, "I have something to tell you." Determined, I poured my heart out to my son. I burst into tears when apologizing. In the end, both of us cried on each other's shoulders. My son cried, "Dad, you don't have to say it anymore! I know your heart already!" But I would not just stop there. I pleaded, "No! I would not stop until you said before God that you forgive me!" When he said he forgave me, I could feel the chasm between us suddenly disappeared at the moment. God healed us and took away all the bitterness accumulated in our hearts all these years.
In that spring festival, I prepared two red pockets for my granddaughters. My granddaughters took the red pockets from my hand and went away. My son stopped them and told them to kowtow to me. I shook my head and tried to stop them from doing so. But my son insisted, and they kowtowed three times to me. He himself also knelt down and kowtowed three times to me too. He spoke loudly, "Father, I have been very disobedient and have done a lot of wrong things to you in all these years. Could you forgive me?" I nodded with tears in my eyes. This was truly a heart-melting moment.
After that, my son's leukemia relapsed for the second time. The doctor said that nine out of ten such patients will die. But I believe that life is in the hands of God, and the judgement from the doctor was not a final one. So I prayed for my son every day. God put peace in my heart after I prayed. I told my son, "My son, don't be afraid! I am very sure that God will heal you!" At that time, my son was still an unbeliever. He did not fully believe Jesus yet. During the healing process, there were lots of miracles. He went through a pilot operation of cord blood
transplantation. The result was very good. Finally, he was recovered! His leukemia cells reached the same level as a healthy person. He then went back to his office to work again. Now he has been baptized and so did all of his family. As a family, we are truly blessed!
Without the reconciliation with my son, how could I pray for him constantly? Without the change of my life and the victorious experience of prayers, how could my son believe in the Lord Jesus who has died and resurrected for him? I know that God makes all things work for good to those who love Him. And I believe that He will make good out of all these things that have happened in my family. I will give all the thanks and praises to our God!