【特稿】「偏心」小議

 

P4"偏心"人皆有之,無論男女老小,權位高低,文化修養,貧富貴賤。無論是個人、家庭、事業、朋友、親屬等,到處顯現不同的偏心範例。偏心是什麼?偏心就是我們對任何事與物,採取一種不公正,不公平,不合理的思維去判決,去武斷決定,去偏袒一方。其後果是什麼呢?往往會令人不堪設想,以至不寒而栗。

我們在林林總總事物中喜歡其中的一個或者一件,謂之"偏愛";砲擊目標擊歪了,謂之"偏差";民間流傳的中醫藥方,謂之"偏方";言詞過激,情緒失常,謂之"偏激";只聽一面之詞,謂之"偏見"。總之,凡事不公平,不公正者均屬偏心。我們日常最長見的就是父母與子女的關係:

有一位姑娘說:"父親很偏心!從小到大,我總是撿哥哥的舊衣服穿。一個女孩子穿著哥哥又舊又大的衣服,心裡總是很彆扭。放學的時候,我總是磨磨蹭蹭地走在最後,生怕被哪個小夥伴逮住,譏笑我是假小子。哥哥是個瘸子,比我大五歲。我雖是個姑娘家,但學習很用功,每次考試都拿第一。按理說,父親疼愛的應該是我。為此,我總是很不服氣,總認為父親偏心。"

從此以後,她有著強烈的叛逆心理,對父母也產生一種莫名的怨恨。"高中畢業我考取了醫學院,畢業後分配到縣城的一家醫院。兩年後,我談了男朋友,我們商量著在城裡買房結婚。"但她對父親的偏心仍然耿耿於懷。有一天,母親對她說:"丫頭,以後別這麼說你爸,你爸今天氣得抹眼淚了!"我小聲嘀咕:"誰叫他偏心!"母親問我:"丫頭,你知道你哥的腿是怎麼瘸的嗎?"我搖搖頭。母親說:"你很小的時候,有一次父親帶著你和你哥哥坐著拖拉機去趕集,車到半路發生側翻,就在拖拉機滾下溝的瞬間,你父親本能地抱起你,跳出了車廂。等父親回頭再找你哥哥的時候,你哥哥的腿已經壓在了車輪下。他把你哥哥送到醫院去搶救,雖然性命保住了,但還是落下了終生殘疾。你爸一直很愧疚,他沒能同時保護你們倆,又不願意讓我告訴你真相,怕你背上太多的心理負擔......"。這位姑娘哭了!

紐約兒童中心心理輔導員孟郭玉成表示,認為父母偏心的小孩不一定都會出現憂鬱症狀,但這些孩子往往不快樂、脾氣壞,覺得自己一無是處,沒有價值,容易陷入沮喪情緒。特別是年齡尚幼的孩子,不知道如何應對,與父母溝通不佳,衝突較多。若父母不關注並加以改善,情況會越來越惡化。

誠然,父母偏心幾乎是人之常情,否認其存在偏心的父母,可能會使問題變得更糟。專家認為,父母要克服偏心問題,首先應坦承會不可避免地對子女有厚此薄彼,如果採取適當策略,儘量以公平對待孩子,就會改變他們對父母的看法。俗話說,手心手背都是肉,父母對子女應一視同仁。但事實上,不論無心還是有意,父母偏心現象(parental favoritism)並不罕見,尤其是為人母者,可能僅僅是對某個孩子口頭表揚或輕輕撫摸,就會令其他孩子感覺受冷待。而最新研究顯示,從小遭遇父母不公平待遇的兒童,成人後也不能釋懷,嚴重的甚至由此引發憂鬱症。

偏心也確實是一個備受爭議的話題,有的父母甚至認為偏心是正常現象,但也會有許多父母憤慨地予以否認。我想偏心有時是有原因的,比如有的孩子聰明,有的孩子會討人喜歡,有的孩子是男孩或是女孩,甚至是由於孩子是先出生的或是後出生的,而有的孩子是中間的,等等,每個人看待事物都有自己的標準,很難說得清楚;但有時候偏心是沒有理由的,有的就是喜歡而已。可是,自己的孩子又有誰會不喜歡呢?人們的心理狀態就是這樣複雜。

聖經中這樣說:"人若有二妻,一為所愛,一為所惡,所愛的所惡的都給他生了兒子,但長子是所惡之妻生的。到了把產業分給兒子承受的時候,不可將所愛之妻生的兒子立為長子,在所惡之妻生的兒子以上,卻要認所惡之妻生的兒子為長子,將產業多加一份給他。"(申命記21:15-17)這就是上帝公平,公正的原則,祂不論兒子是誰生的,該當長子就是長子。

我們就是要學習上帝毫無偏心的真理。"你們信奉我們榮耀的主耶穌基督,便不可按著外貌待人,若有一個人帶著金戒指,穿著華美衣服,進你們的會堂去;又有一個窮人穿著肮髒衣服也進去,你們就重看那穿華美衣服的人,說:'請坐在這好位上';又對那窮人說:'你站在那裡'或'坐在我腳凳下邊'","這豈不是你們偏心待人,用惡意斷定人嗎?"(雅各書2:1-4)

"惡意斷定人" 是對偏心最準確的注釋。存有偏心思維和行為的人,其結局是難以估量的:"定惡人為義的,定義人為惡的,這都是耶和華所憎惡的。"(箴言17:15)

 

      聖經金句 (Bible Verses)

喜樂 Joy

喜樂的心乃是良藥;憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。箴言 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

然而,我要因耶和華歡欣,因救我的 神喜樂。哈巴谷書 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:18

要常常喜樂,不住的禱告,凡事謝恩。帖撒羅尼迦前書 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

饒恕 Forgiveness

主啊,你本為良善,樂意饒恕人,有豐盛的慈愛賜給凡求告你的人。詩篇 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

你不要說:“我要以惡報惡”;要等候耶和華,他必拯救你。箴言 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will avenge you. Proverbs 6:14

你們饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯;馬太福音 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

你們不饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必不饒恕你們的過犯。馬太福音 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

你們各人若不從心裡饒恕你的弟兄,我天父也要這樣待你們了。馬太福音 18:35
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. Matthew 18:35

謙卑 Humility

敬畏耶和華是智慧的訓誨;尊榮以前,必有謙卑。箴言 15:33
Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

敬畏耶和華心存謙卑,就得富有、尊榮、生命為賞賜。箴言 22:4
Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. Proverbs 22:4

凡事不可結黨,不可貪圖虛浮的榮耀;只要存心謙卑,各人看別人比自己強。腓立比書 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

驕傲 Pride

驕傲來,羞恥也來;謙遜人卻有智慧。箴言 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

驕傲只啟爭競;聽勸言的,卻有智慧。箴言 13:10
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Proverbs 13:10

驕傲在敗壞以先;狂心在跌倒之前。箴言 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

忍耐 Patience

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

並且你們要為我的名,被眾人恨惡,惟有忍耐到底的,必然得救。馬可福音 13:13
Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13

不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3

我們行善,不可喪志;若不灰心,到了時候就要收成加拉太書 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

你們也當忍耐,堅固你們的心,因為主來的日子近了。雅各書 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. James 5:8

溫柔 Meekness

回答柔和,使怒消退;言語暴戾,觸動怒氣。箴言 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

溫柔的人有福了,因為他們必承受地土。馬太福音 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

用溫柔勸戒那抵擋的人;或者 神給他們悔改的心,可以明白真道。提摩太後書 2:25
Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 2:25

只要以裡面存著長久溫柔、安靜的心為妝飾;這在 神面前是極寶貴的。彼得前書 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4

嫉妒 Envy

不要為作惡的心懷不平,也不要向那行不義的生出嫉妒。詩篇 37:1
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. Psalm 37:1

心中安靜是肉體的生命;嫉妒是骨中的朽爛。箴言 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

在何處有嫉妒、紛爭,就在何處有擾亂和各樣的壞事。雅各書 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

生氣 Anger

當止住怒氣,離棄忿怒;不要心懷不平,以致作惡。詩篇 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

好生氣的人,不可與他結交;暴怒的人,不可與他來往。箴言 22:24
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 22:24

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

生氣卻不要犯罪.不可含怒到日落。以弗所書 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

我親愛的弟兄們,這是你們所知道的,但你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說,慢慢的動怒,因為人的怒氣並不成就 神的義。雅各書 1:19,20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19,20

災難 Calamity

謹守口與舌的、就保守自己免受災難。箴言 21:23
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23

民要攻打民、國要攻打國、多處必有地震、饑荒.這都是災難的起頭。馬可福音 13:8
Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains. Mark 13:8

憂愁 Worry

你們不要憂愁、因靠耶和華而得的喜樂是你們的力量。尼希米記 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

主雖使人憂愁, 還要照他諸般的慈愛發憐憫。耶利米哀歌 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

凡勞苦擔重擔的人,可以到我這裡來,我就使你們得安息。馬太福音 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

我留下平安給你們、我將我的平安賜給你們.我所賜的、不像世人所賜的.你們心裏不要憂愁、也不要膽怯。約翰福音 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

應當一無掛慮,只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝,將你們所要的告訴神。神所賜出人意外的平安,必在基督耶穌裡,保守你們的心懷意念。腓立比書 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

因此, 你們是大有喜樂, 但如今, 在百般的試煉中暫時憂愁。彼得前書 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:6

患難 Trouble, Suffering

義人多有苦難,但耶和華救他脫離這一切。詩篇 34:19
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19

神是我們的避難所,是我們的力量,是我們在患難中隨時的幫助!詩篇 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

耶和華本為善,在患難的日子為人的保障,並且認得那些投靠他的人。那鴻書 1:7
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

為義受逼迫的人有福了,因為天國是他們的。馬太福音 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

不但如此,就是在患難中,也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

我想現在的苦楚,若比將來要顯於我們的榮耀,就不足介意了。羅馬書 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

因為你們蒙恩,不但得以信服基督,並要為他受苦。腓立比書 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him. Philippians 1:29

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