【雙語園地】學習失敗!

 

作者:朱迪•庫克;翻譯:許建

生活有時充滿矛盾。對於父母,這樣的時刻尤其鮮活:我們愛自己蹣跚學步的孩子勝過一切,而當他們學會說 "不" 時,我們突然發現他們不再像原來那樣討人喜歡;我們認為自己十幾歲的孩子可愛,但當他們完全以自我為中心,對同伴麻木不仁,甚至蔑視我們這些養育他們的父母時,我們常常忍無可忍。

我們需要面對的問題是:如何肯定孩子的自我意識,幫助他們建立正確的價值觀,並教導他們應對生活中的不盡如人意。為了外界的某些原因,他們有時會被忽視;有時,他們的天賦得不到賞識;他們所追逐的夢想並非總是與他們的學業和個人能力相襯,畢竟不是每個想從醫的孩子最終都成為了一名醫生。有時,我們的孩子可能會犯下愚蠢的錯誤,因而造成了不堪設想的後果。而這一切的一切,都可能將他們好不容易才建立起來的自尊,擊得粉碎;在相當可觀的一段時期內,震驚和恐懼也因此在我們與孩子身上同時留下了深深的烙印。

2 至 12 歲

孩子主要從父母和監護人身上學會認識自己;當然,他們同時也從他們成長的社會文化中汲取養份。在這個年齡段,父母最難抗拒的誘惑是讓孩子認為自己遠勝過其他的孩子。事實上,把孩子放在這樣的基座上,並向他們傳達他們比任何人更聰明、更漂亮、更有天賦、更重要的信息,無疑是在害自己的孩子。當父母為他們犧牲一切時,孩子們錯以為他們便是世界的中心,其他人有義務滿足他們的需要。他們儼然是城堡中的國王和皇后。

西方文化對此起到了推波助瀾的效果。例如,流行文化在服裝、書籍和電影等方面極力將小女孩塑造成 "公主" 的形象,而男孩子則被塑造成戰無不勝、無所不能的超級英雄。

了解自己的孩子所認同的文化根源,父母和教育者就可以在價值觀和實際經驗上對年輕人產生更加合理的影響,讓他們適應現實世界。認識到奮鬥的必要性,並接受他們不是任何時候都能得到他們想要的一切。孩子應該從小學習如何接受失敗和面對未知的風險。他們需要學習在失敗時不馬上放棄,在挫折面前沉著勇敢。父母可以尋找一些有益的活動,以便鍛煉他們的品質。例如,3 歲的孩子可以開始試著了解他們並非總是比賽的贏家,即使輸了也沒什麼大不了的—因為比賽本身就是一種探險。

青少年

如何教養 12-18 歲的青少年,對父母們來說是一項特別的功課。這個階段,孩子們開始意識到自己獨立於父母和其他人之外。在矛盾中,他們正逐漸形成自我意識—他們在現實和自我意識中的形象—某個群體(他們的朋友和同伴)的一員。青少年似乎有其獨特的生活形態,而他們在各自的群體中又承受著巨大的壓力。他們蔑視生活中任何來自成人的干預,尤其當那樣的壓力是來自父母和老師的時候。他們認為成年人無法理解他們。同時,他們把同伴的意見、對他們的接納或者拒絕看得非常重要。那成了他們唯一的 "鏡子",不斷映射出他們的自我形象、在世界上的位置和生命的意義。

青少年的這種自我認同模式往往被大眾傳媒進一步渲染。而這無疑對父母們面前的難題火上澆油。當父母試圖保護自己的孩子時,青少年們往往對他們所提出的基督教倫理反唇相譏,這無疑讓本已沮喪的父母們感到更加惱火。面對孩子們的忤逆與任性,無數的父母感到絕望而且無助;他們從心里為他們孩子面前的人生道路而感到擔憂。在他們眼中,他們的孩子將要面對的不是迷失,就是毀滅。

但是,最新的一項對青少年大腦的研究給我們帶來了令人鼓舞的消息。這項研究的結果可以幫助我們更好地理解孩子們的行為。研究結果表明,作為引領青少年健康成長、走向成熟的一部分,許多父母開始學習如何幫助孩子們嘗試著經歷與他們同齡人不一樣的人生。

在《撫育休克:育兒新思維》中,珀. 布蘭森和阿希利.麥瑞満從一個全新的角度評價了青少年與父母的衝突。根據他們的主張,"青少年的大腦可以進行抽象思維,但是他們的情緒卻不能"。在他們所屬的特定群體中,他們懂得了什麼是失敗、恐懼和冒險;但這些經歷在還沒有內化成為他們人生的一部份之前,他們無法在該群體以外感受到同樣的情緒。很多時候,父母對於孩子們諸如 "你為什麼做這樣的蠢事?"的責問,使得孩子們與現實"世界"中的有關挫折的經歷失之交臂。孩子們在成長過程中沒有機會學習到什麼叫作失敗、冒險、和面對困難時所必需的不懈奮鬥。坦白講,即使是大難臨頭,孩子們也不會被嚇住;他們無需擔心的原因是因為他們被過度地呵護。在一個相對封閉的社區,特別是北美富裕白人的改革宗教會裡長大的孩子們便處於這麼一種極其不利的地位。

對大多數父母來說,試著讓孩子們到世界上去冒險,是一種挑戰;然而這種的嘗試卻有助於家長們因孩子而時刻緊繃的神經。就好像一個纖塵不染的環境不利於孩子們免疫系統的發育,同樣的,一個被過渡呵護的童年,也不利於鍛煉孩子們直面困難並克服它們的能力。像我們所有人一樣,以身作則對孩子們來說最有力教導。不管他們現在的情況如何,未來的道路又會怎樣;家長對他們的愛都應該是無條件的;然而這並不等於他們就不需要知道生活的艱辛。他們所要學習的是在逆境當中,依然可以戰勝困難、茁壯成長。

而對於孩子的這以訓練,會讓我們進一步了解上帝身為我們的天父,是持著一種怎麼樣的心情。祂不僅賜給我們恆久的愛和奇異的恩典,也讓我們在艱難磨礪中漸漸成長。當我們意識到這點時,"為什麼不幸會發生在好人身上?"這樣的問題,也就迎刃而解。而正因為這樣的原因,我們的孩子也跟我們一樣,需要在磨練中奮力成長。

福音的益處是,我們得以得著天父的應許,他告訴我們說,雖然我們會 "行在患難中",但是祂始終都會與我們同在(詩篇138)。事實上,當我們信靠祂時,我們生活中所發生的一切,就都成為了天父賜給我們的益處。曾幾何時,生活中的難題常常將我們和我們的孩子帶回到天父面前,正因為祂給了我們扎根在耶穌基督裡不變承諾,我們的心,由此得到了莫大的安慰!(原文最初刊登於《旌旗》雜誌,本文經雜誌社特許得以翻譯並轉載。)

Bilingo

 

Good Job! Learning to Fail

BY Judy Cook Translated by John lo Xu

Life is full of paradoxes. For parents this is especially the case: We love our toddlers above all else, but they drive us to distraction once they learn to say no. We think of our teens as adorable, but they can be completely self-absorbed, cruel to their peers, and disdainful of us, their parents—in other words, not pleasant to be around.

So here's the question: how do we affirm our kids' sense of self so they will develop a healthy self-esteem while at the same time teaching them the coping skills and resilience they'll need when life treats them unfairly or they mess up? They will sometimes be passed over for someone else.

Their talents will sometimes be underappreciated. Their passion for becoming, say, a doctor, will not always match their academic or personal abilities to achieve that goal. And sometimes our kids will make bad mistakes with unpleasant or even dire consequences. All these factors are capable of knocking a carefully nurtured self-esteem right out of the ballpark, at least for a time, much to our—and our children's—consternation and fear.

Ages 2 to 12

Children learn about themselves mostly from their parents and other caregivers, but they also take their cues from the culture they grow up in and the communities they are part of. The most common temptation to which parents fall prey is to teach their children, from about ages 2 to 12, that they are special—more special than anyone else. In fact, parents who put their kids on a pedestal and give them the message that that they are smarter, better-looking, more gifted, and more important than anyone else do their kids no favour. When parents sacrifice everything for their children, their kids learn that the world revolves around them and that it should conform to their needs. They experience themselves as "kings/queens of the castle."

Western culture often conspires to reinforce that notion. Pop culture for young girls, for instance, encourages them to identify with "princess" status by providing outfits, books, and movies in abundance that reinforce that identity. Boys are taught to identify with all-powerful superheroes who always win.

Parents and teachers do well to be conscious of the cultural stereotypes kids identify with and to balance their influence with values and experiences that help kids learn the necessity of fitting in, of working to achieve while accepting that they can't always have what they want. From a young age, kids need to learn to accept failure and risk-taking in the face of uncertainty. They need to learn not to give up too soon after having failed at something. And they need to learn to be gracious and courageous in the face of defeat. Parents can look for activities that teach their kids these values.

For instance, children as young as 3 can be taught they won't always win in a competitive game and that losing is OK too—the game itself rather than winning is the challenge.

Teens

Teens ages 12 to 18 often present a special challenge for parents. In this stage of their development, teens learn to know themselves as separate from their parents and others.

Paradoxically, they develop this separate identity—who they are and what they want to be—as part of the herd, namely, their friends and peer groups. Teen culture often seems to take on a life of its own. Kids appear to feel enormous pressure to belong to this social grouping. They seem to disdain the influence of any adults in their lives—mainly their parents and their teachers—and doubt its relevance. In contrast, they see the opinions and acceptance or rejection of their peers as the only important "mirror" that can tell them who they are, what their place is in the world, and whether their lives matter.

Social media seems to have further broadened peer identification. More often than not parents are frustrated because their teens incessantly argue against the rules they try to impose to keep their kids safe and to teach Christian morals. Parents end up feeling helpless in the face of their teens' apparent disrespect and self-will and fearful that the path their children are on will lead to alienation at best and destruction at worst.

But there is good news. New research on teen brains is helping parents better understand their teens' behaviour. As part of nurturing their teens to become mature and loving adults, parents are learning what they can do to give their kids experiences of the world beyond those within their kids' peer groups.

In their book Nurture Shock: New Thinking About Children (Twelve, 2009), Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman talk about parent/teen conflict in a new way. The teenaged brain, they say, "can think abstractly, but not feel abstractly." Within their social groups, teens learn what it means to fail, to be afraid, to take risks. But they develop no such feelings outside of their social groupings because failure and resilience are not built in as part of their identify formation, in many cases because their parents are affluent enough to shield them from "the world" too well. So, for instance, parents may say to their teen, "What made you do such a stupid thing?" And because he or she has not been taught to fail, to take risks, to achieve in spite of obstacles, the honest answer may be, "You don't have to worry, everything's fine." Risky behaviour in the world doesn't scare many teens because their lives have been too sheltered. Children who grow up in insular communities, including the mostly white and affluent Christian Reformed Church in North America, are especially at a disadvantage.

Learning to let their children experience the world as it really is and letting them risk harm in that world is a challenge for parents. But it should also help them relax their vigilance on behalf of their children. In the same way that a too-clean, germ-free environment can actually hurt a child's developing immune system, a too-protected childhood can actually hurt a child's ability to face and overcome the hardships of life. Like all of us, children learn best by doing. Besides being unconditionally loved no matter who they are and what they will become, our children need to know life can be tough—but they can get through the difficulty and learn to thrive in spite of it.

This helps us understand how God parents all of us. The question "Why do bad things happen to good people?" is answered when we realize that God matures us not only through his unconditional love and amazing grace but also through the hardships we suffer. We are refined through these experiences, and so are our children.

The good news of the gospel is that God promises to be with us "in the midst of trouble" (Ps. 138). In fact, God will use everything that happens in our lives to our benefit if we choose to trust in him. More often than not, the hard lessons in life drive both us and our children back to a Father who has provided us with this no-fail guarantee in Jesus. What a relief!(Used with permission of The Banner.)

 

      聖經金句 (Bible Verses)

喜樂 Joy

喜樂的心乃是良藥;憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。箴言 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

然而,我要因耶和華歡欣,因救我的 神喜樂。哈巴谷書 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:18

要常常喜樂,不住的禱告,凡事謝恩。帖撒羅尼迦前書 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

饒恕 Forgiveness

主啊,你本為良善,樂意饒恕人,有豐盛的慈愛賜給凡求告你的人。詩篇 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

你不要說:“我要以惡報惡”;要等候耶和華,他必拯救你。箴言 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will avenge you. Proverbs 6:14

你們饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯;馬太福音 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

你們不饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必不饒恕你們的過犯。馬太福音 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

你們各人若不從心裡饒恕你的弟兄,我天父也要這樣待你們了。馬太福音 18:35
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. Matthew 18:35

謙卑 Humility

敬畏耶和華是智慧的訓誨;尊榮以前,必有謙卑。箴言 15:33
Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

敬畏耶和華心存謙卑,就得富有、尊榮、生命為賞賜。箴言 22:4
Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. Proverbs 22:4

凡事不可結黨,不可貪圖虛浮的榮耀;只要存心謙卑,各人看別人比自己強。腓立比書 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

驕傲 Pride

驕傲來,羞恥也來;謙遜人卻有智慧。箴言 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

驕傲只啟爭競;聽勸言的,卻有智慧。箴言 13:10
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Proverbs 13:10

驕傲在敗壞以先;狂心在跌倒之前。箴言 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

忍耐 Patience

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

並且你們要為我的名,被眾人恨惡,惟有忍耐到底的,必然得救。馬可福音 13:13
Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13

不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3

我們行善,不可喪志;若不灰心,到了時候就要收成加拉太書 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

你們也當忍耐,堅固你們的心,因為主來的日子近了。雅各書 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. James 5:8

溫柔 Meekness

回答柔和,使怒消退;言語暴戾,觸動怒氣。箴言 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

溫柔的人有福了,因為他們必承受地土。馬太福音 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

用溫柔勸戒那抵擋的人;或者 神給他們悔改的心,可以明白真道。提摩太後書 2:25
Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 2:25

只要以裡面存著長久溫柔、安靜的心為妝飾;這在 神面前是極寶貴的。彼得前書 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4

嫉妒 Envy

不要為作惡的心懷不平,也不要向那行不義的生出嫉妒。詩篇 37:1
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. Psalm 37:1

心中安靜是肉體的生命;嫉妒是骨中的朽爛。箴言 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

在何處有嫉妒、紛爭,就在何處有擾亂和各樣的壞事。雅各書 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

生氣 Anger

當止住怒氣,離棄忿怒;不要心懷不平,以致作惡。詩篇 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

好生氣的人,不可與他結交;暴怒的人,不可與他來往。箴言 22:24
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 22:24

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

生氣卻不要犯罪.不可含怒到日落。以弗所書 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

我親愛的弟兄們,這是你們所知道的,但你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說,慢慢的動怒,因為人的怒氣並不成就 神的義。雅各書 1:19,20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19,20

災難 Calamity

謹守口與舌的、就保守自己免受災難。箴言 21:23
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23

民要攻打民、國要攻打國、多處必有地震、饑荒.這都是災難的起頭。馬可福音 13:8
Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains. Mark 13:8

憂愁 Worry

你們不要憂愁、因靠耶和華而得的喜樂是你們的力量。尼希米記 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

主雖使人憂愁, 還要照他諸般的慈愛發憐憫。耶利米哀歌 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

凡勞苦擔重擔的人,可以到我這裡來,我就使你們得安息。馬太福音 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

我留下平安給你們、我將我的平安賜給你們.我所賜的、不像世人所賜的.你們心裏不要憂愁、也不要膽怯。約翰福音 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

應當一無掛慮,只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝,將你們所要的告訴神。神所賜出人意外的平安,必在基督耶穌裡,保守你們的心懷意念。腓立比書 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

因此, 你們是大有喜樂, 但如今, 在百般的試煉中暫時憂愁。彼得前書 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:6

患難 Trouble, Suffering

義人多有苦難,但耶和華救他脫離這一切。詩篇 34:19
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19

神是我們的避難所,是我們的力量,是我們在患難中隨時的幫助!詩篇 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

耶和華本為善,在患難的日子為人的保障,並且認得那些投靠他的人。那鴻書 1:7
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

為義受逼迫的人有福了,因為天國是他們的。馬太福音 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

不但如此,就是在患難中,也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

我想現在的苦楚,若比將來要顯於我們的榮耀,就不足介意了。羅馬書 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

因為你們蒙恩,不但得以信服基督,並要為他受苦。腓立比書 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him. Philippians 1:29

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