Home昔日真理報2013年 真理報文章2013 年 11 月【社會心】EQ 在婚姻生活的應用(5)

【社會心】EQ 在婚姻生活的應用(5)

 

在婚姻關係裡,衝突是正常而必然出現的,只是在於多頻密和是否有破壞性,能否盡快清理。上期討論到倘若沒有處理舊帳,新衝突又不斷加增,在亞強和亞美的例子便以離婚結束。今期我們進一步討論衝突會如何升級,在這過程中,EQ 可以發揮效用?

1.相處初期互禮讓

有對夫婦亞堅和亞秀,他們曾經走過婚姻關係低谷,最大問題是彼此太多自己意見,難與另一半協調商議,經常以「你贏-我輸」收場。他們同樣都是經歷過情感創傷,曾考慮過不再踏足情場,直到有機會認識對方,他們抱著忘記過去的傷痛,開始新關係。起初,彼此都小心翼翼,高度地客氣,凡事由對方決定,為的是避免衝突和傷痛的陰影。事後看來,他們也承認這時期是過於做作,極不自然,不是真我流露,相處時間越長便越覺難受,但彼此又珍惜這段情感。若能時光倒流,他們願意以真性情真心交往,不用產生虛假期望,成為日後爭吵之根。

2.壓力挑剔煩惱現

到了雙方都定意一起建立婚姻關係,真正要處理實質事務,也面對各項壓力,如金錢和時間的運用,生活方式轉變和適應。以往獨行獨斷,快捷妥當;如今凡事商量,考慮多重。過程中,更發現雙方的想法差異大,每項事都可以討論很久仍未有結論,於是便常出現爭辯。事後回想,他們也覺得在這階段彼此都要學習聆聽對方意見及其背景原因,自己也要調整差距,使能建立雙方可接受的原則,但不要「為避免衝突」而不說出己見。

3.堅持己見為要贏

當不同意見經常出現,最後總是堅持到底的那方得勝,當這「你若贏-我便輸」的模式漸漸形成後,勝利者雖然維護了自己的觀點,但並不快樂;輸方更覺沮喪,也不開心。久而久之,他們的溝通演變成「贏了吵架,輸了關係」。事後看來,他們當時沒有想到「雙贏」方向,沒有看到對方的觀點,其背後的考慮因素,也沒有此胸襟去包容對方的立場,為的是要堅持自己立場,不容被打倒。

4.爭執不斷逼自衛

到了婚後,新婚甜蜜的日子很快便過去。現實生活的壓力,雙方性格,溝通模式,生活習慣等等的差異,加上突然多了親友圈擴大,應酬多了,休息少了,雙方共同興趣或嗜好皆未有機會安排,很快他們的關係越來越惡化,大家都再沒有耐性去慢慢討論,反而很快便升級至「非你則我」或是「一拍兩散」雙輸局面。沒有商量的空間和心情,家庭事務的處理變成公司一樣的分工。例如一次母親節當天討論該先跟那位母親吃飯,雙方都堅持己方,結果雙方都不去,雙輸局面。他們回憶這些不必要的爭辯,只要任何一方退一步,都已經海闊天空。

5.未能同心怎同行

在那漸漸形成以「自我滿足為主」的分工模式下,雙方都各自安排自己喜愛的活動,享受「各自各精彩」,尋找想要的滿足感。在「只有責任,欠缺溫情」的婚姻關係,加上過往太多爭論不休的溝通,其實已經佈下「關係炸彈」,小小導火線足可引發怒火沖天。這情形常見於金錢運用,假期安排,家人有困難需支援,以及性生活協調等等。在這階段衝突一旦爆發,便易升級,猶如火山在熱力壓力升至頂點而不得不爆的效果。亞堅和亞秀便是因亞秀父母來溫探望她,要住在其家一個月,亞堅不肯,亞秀以性來滿足他,希望他同意,結果反而激發更大爭吵。回望當年,如果重臨那時段,亞堅和亞秀皆表示最好是克制自己情緒,不去作重大事情,盡量減少壓力,才有機會作理性溝通。

6.長期衝突友變敵

亞堅和亞秀在爭吵傷痕累累,雙方的「感情銀行戶口」(relationship account)已經大量透支,彼此都缺乏體諒,都走向「自我中心」出發,終於演變至「三日一小吵,五日一大吵」的局面,身心疲累,更互相指摘對方才是問題根源。在一次因金錢糾紛下,彼此推動下,亞秀被推倒地上,頭破血流,她報警,亞堅被拘捕及被起訴傷人案。經此一事,雙方都考慮離婚,因為大家都看不到將來有何幸福。

上述亞堅和亞秀的關係惡化過程,與衝突問題專家 Jagoda 在其專文 "Don't ride the conflict escalator" 所討論的演變過程頗為相近。Jagoda 女士的扼要論點是:關係由良好基礎開始,由於不同背景差異帶來不同期望與處事方法,若前期未能解決處理分歧點,便會升級更大衝突,倘若不改善,至終以分手作結。


相處良好→ 挑剔:惱怒 → 凡事反對:沮喪 → 爭吵:防衛 → 我行我素:怒火沖天 → 長期衝突:敵我分明 → 分手/解散

就在預備去找律師辦理離婚手續之際,亞堅和亞秀遇到熟識的朋友,也坦然地說明境況。該朋友曾經離婚,但建議他們一起找婚姻輔導,給自己一個最後機會。結果他們各自及共同見了輔導約六個月之久,也參加「婚後更深夫婦營」,彼此對己對他有重新認識,看到過往很多的不是,願意尋求對方寬恕。後來他們彼此承諾,改善溝通模式,改變自我中心習慣,彼此建立共同嗜好。他們最後更自組公司,夫婦共同創業,關係日漸改善。

「生氣卻不要犯罪,不可含怒到日落。」(以弗所書4:26)


資料來源:

http://www.conflicttango.com/dont-ride-the-conflict-escalator/

 

      聖經金句 (Bible Verses)

喜樂 Joy

喜樂的心乃是良藥;憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。箴言 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

然而,我要因耶和華歡欣,因救我的 神喜樂。哈巴谷書 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:18

要常常喜樂,不住的禱告,凡事謝恩。帖撒羅尼迦前書 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

饒恕 Forgiveness

主啊,你本為良善,樂意饒恕人,有豐盛的慈愛賜給凡求告你的人。詩篇 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

你不要說:“我要以惡報惡”;要等候耶和華,他必拯救你。箴言 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will avenge you. Proverbs 6:14

你們饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯;馬太福音 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

你們不饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必不饒恕你們的過犯。馬太福音 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

你們各人若不從心裡饒恕你的弟兄,我天父也要這樣待你們了。馬太福音 18:35
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. Matthew 18:35

謙卑 Humility

敬畏耶和華是智慧的訓誨;尊榮以前,必有謙卑。箴言 15:33
Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

敬畏耶和華心存謙卑,就得富有、尊榮、生命為賞賜。箴言 22:4
Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. Proverbs 22:4

凡事不可結黨,不可貪圖虛浮的榮耀;只要存心謙卑,各人看別人比自己強。腓立比書 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

驕傲 Pride

驕傲來,羞恥也來;謙遜人卻有智慧。箴言 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

驕傲只啟爭競;聽勸言的,卻有智慧。箴言 13:10
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Proverbs 13:10

驕傲在敗壞以先;狂心在跌倒之前。箴言 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

忍耐 Patience

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

並且你們要為我的名,被眾人恨惡,惟有忍耐到底的,必然得救。馬可福音 13:13
Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13

不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3

我們行善,不可喪志;若不灰心,到了時候就要收成加拉太書 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

你們也當忍耐,堅固你們的心,因為主來的日子近了。雅各書 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. James 5:8

溫柔 Meekness

回答柔和,使怒消退;言語暴戾,觸動怒氣。箴言 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

溫柔的人有福了,因為他們必承受地土。馬太福音 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

用溫柔勸戒那抵擋的人;或者 神給他們悔改的心,可以明白真道。提摩太後書 2:25
Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 2:25

只要以裡面存著長久溫柔、安靜的心為妝飾;這在 神面前是極寶貴的。彼得前書 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4

嫉妒 Envy

不要為作惡的心懷不平,也不要向那行不義的生出嫉妒。詩篇 37:1
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. Psalm 37:1

心中安靜是肉體的生命;嫉妒是骨中的朽爛。箴言 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

在何處有嫉妒、紛爭,就在何處有擾亂和各樣的壞事。雅各書 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

生氣 Anger

當止住怒氣,離棄忿怒;不要心懷不平,以致作惡。詩篇 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

好生氣的人,不可與他結交;暴怒的人,不可與他來往。箴言 22:24
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 22:24

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

生氣卻不要犯罪.不可含怒到日落。以弗所書 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

我親愛的弟兄們,這是你們所知道的,但你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說,慢慢的動怒,因為人的怒氣並不成就 神的義。雅各書 1:19,20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19,20

災難 Calamity

謹守口與舌的、就保守自己免受災難。箴言 21:23
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23

民要攻打民、國要攻打國、多處必有地震、饑荒.這都是災難的起頭。馬可福音 13:8
Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains. Mark 13:8

憂愁 Worry

你們不要憂愁、因靠耶和華而得的喜樂是你們的力量。尼希米記 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

主雖使人憂愁, 還要照他諸般的慈愛發憐憫。耶利米哀歌 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

凡勞苦擔重擔的人,可以到我這裡來,我就使你們得安息。馬太福音 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

我留下平安給你們、我將我的平安賜給你們.我所賜的、不像世人所賜的.你們心裏不要憂愁、也不要膽怯。約翰福音 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

應當一無掛慮,只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝,將你們所要的告訴神。神所賜出人意外的平安,必在基督耶穌裡,保守你們的心懷意念。腓立比書 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

因此, 你們是大有喜樂, 但如今, 在百般的試煉中暫時憂愁。彼得前書 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:6

患難 Trouble, Suffering

義人多有苦難,但耶和華救他脫離這一切。詩篇 34:19
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19

神是我們的避難所,是我們的力量,是我們在患難中隨時的幫助!詩篇 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

耶和華本為善,在患難的日子為人的保障,並且認得那些投靠他的人。那鴻書 1:7
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

為義受逼迫的人有福了,因為天國是他們的。馬太福音 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

不但如此,就是在患難中,也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

我想現在的苦楚,若比將來要顯於我們的榮耀,就不足介意了。羅馬書 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

因為你們蒙恩,不但得以信服基督,並要為他受苦。腓立比書 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him. Philippians 1:29

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