作者：劉敏 翻譯：蕭凌
雖然從我決志歸主，至今已然八年有餘，可我的生命卻始終停滯不前。情緒上的起伏不定，心裡的莫名擔憂，讓我難以活出從基督而來的平安和喜樂。在今年的早些時候，因為家里和工作中的重重壓力，我甚至想過要了結自己的生命，我的精神遊走在崩潰的邊緣。我時常覺得自己已經不堪重負，我覺得我已經被眼前的困難打倒，我已忍無可忍、無以為繼。於是，我終於下定決心，給自己放個長假，讓自己得以從忙碌的工作當中暫時抽離。我實在是太需要重新思考什麼樣的人生才符合神的教導，而我的人生目標又該是什麼。
天父無所不知、無所不曉。祂看見了我的苦情，樂意向我伸出援手，醫治我的傷痛。在我修養期間，神賜予我為祂作曲的熱情。實際，我從小對於譜曲就很有興趣。可惜我的鋼琴彈得差強人意，吉他算是練到勉強能聽。當我演奏完畢，從來沒有觀眾會給予我熱情的鼓勵。於是在過去的 15 年中，我所作的曲子，始終停留在紙上談兵的階段。但今年五月，在我專心修養的日子裡，我發現了一款用來作曲的簡易軟件。於是，我很快就學會了如何用電腦和鼠標演奏。在短短 3 個月當中，神賜予我 12 首悅耳的歌。而我也終於能夠與我身邊的人分享那些迴響在我腦海中的音樂。與此同時，我還為我朋友的婚禮創作了一首背景音樂，並有幸在她結婚的當天為眾多賓客演奏。我對整場演出感到十分滿意，而讓我更加欣喜地是樂曲成型的整個過程。在一個個音符的排列組合中，我也得到了神的醫治和釋放。我從中感受到了神的愛。我一邊作曲，一邊與神建立起了更加親密的關係，並且我也終於可以依靠神給我的異象、感動而活。
除此以外，我還有幸在"祭作舍"的舞台劇中出演了一個角色。對於膽小害羞的我來說，當眾演出無疑是揭開了我人生當中的一個新篇章。事實上，當初的自己不過是抱著重在參與的精神去參加了海選。我在海選當天的表現，完全像自己所預料那樣乏善可陳。我並沒有像其他人那樣接到晉級複選的通知，可兩週以後，卻意外地接到了導演要我參加正式演出的邀請。那時候的我被喜悅所充滿，實在沒想過神還有更加美好的安排。
就在我得知自己被劇組入取的幾天以後，我的一個朋友在臉書上轉給我一條信息。信息的內容是有關劇組正在募集舞台劇的主題音樂。這個消息對於我來說是憂喜參半。喜是喜在，我一直在等的就是這麼一個能夠用音樂創作來榮耀主名的機會，憂是憂在這個機會來得太突然，自己一點準備都沒有。而且，有那麼多專業的音樂人才，哪一個不比我強呢？那天晚上，我正好讀到劇組關於這齣舞台劇的介紹，其中有四句《聖經》經節：
你們務要常存弟兄相愛的心, 不可忘記用愛心接待客旅；因為曾有接待客旅的，不知不覺就接待了天使。 (希伯來書13:1-2)
你們願意人怎樣待你們，你們也要怎樣待人。 (路加福音6:31)
你們若單愛那愛你們的人，有甚麼可酬謝的呢？就是罪人也愛那愛他們的人。 (路加福音6:32)
你要盡心、盡性、盡力、盡意愛主─你的神；又要愛鄰舍如同自己。 (路加福音10:27)
當我讀完這幾句經節以後，一段樂曲浮現在我的腦海中。我有一種感動，這首曲子就是為了我們的舞台局量身定做的。我於是趕緊把曲子記錄下來，把勉強成型的小樣寄給導演過目。音樂是有了，可歌詞卻全無著落，歌詞成型的過程緩慢而苦痛。在接下來的一個月當中，我都在字與字、句與句之間煎熬。在我全無頭緒的時候，我不斷對著自己重複腓立比書1:6的內容："那在你們心裡動了善工的，必成全這工。"
我直到錄音前一天凌晨 5 點半才把最後幾行歌詞寫完。當歌曲進入正式錄音階段時，我病倒了。對於曲子成型後的音效，我並不滿意。可我選擇信靠神，我相信這一切都在祂的計劃之中。如果神要使用這些音樂，有什麼是祂辦不到的呢？當然沒有！
演出當天，從演員到觀眾，大家都很喜歡這首曲子。我自己很清楚我所作的曲子有多麼的稚嫩，在我的面前還有很長的路要走，但是神卻還是因祂自己的榮耀使用了這些音樂。
回首往事，若非我的失敗，我便不會在家休養；若非賦閑在家，我便不會將時間和精力致力於作曲；若非想要重新振作，我便不會在今年嘗試這麽多新事物。此時此刻，我覺得自己好像比以前更加精力充沛。我知道這不是靠我自己的努力，而是因為神所賜給我的愛與恩典，祂為我所計劃的，是一個更美好的未來。我雖軟弱，但「我靠著那加給我力量的，凡事都能作。」（腓立比書4:13）
如果你有興趣試聽我的曲子，可以到以下網站查詢
http://www.youtube.com/user/LeMandia/about
這是 "祭作舍" 的作品
A Year of Defeat, a Year of Triumph -- A Testimony From Mandy Lau
by Mandy Lau，Translated by Evie Xiao
I have been a Christian for over 8 years. However, all these years I still have trouble with general anxiety and emotional problem. Earlier this year, due to the large amount of stress I experienced at work and in the family, I started to have small panic attacks and even suicidal thoughts. I felt I have been defeated, not able to stand up again, that I cannot handle anything anymore. As a result, I decided to take a break from working full time, to have some rest and rethink my purpose in life according to God's teaching.
God is all knowing. He knows my suffering, and He is more than happy to offer help and healing. In my months of resting at home, God gave me passion to write songs in His name. I've always had an interest in song writing, but I am no musician; I only play basic piano and guitar. For 15 years, my songs were only pieces of paper. I couldn't perform very well, and people never gave me positive response. However, I discovered a easy-to-use scoring software in May. I learned how to use it from scratch, and soon I was able to compose and arrange music on the software, just by clicking with the mouse. In 3 months, God blessed me with 12 songs that I can finally get people to listen to. I also wrote a wedding song for my friend, and I sang it in front of the guests. While I am happy with the results, it's the song writing process that really allows me to experience God's love and healing for me. When writing, I feel closer to God, and that I can fully depend on God to give me vision and inspiration.
Besides my musical adventure, I also tried a few new things this year, to push my boundary. One of the challenges is acting in a stage drama produced by the Sacrificium Society of Productions (SSOP). I never thought I would join them on stage. However, I thought I could give it a try. Even if I don't get chosen to be in the production, it would still be a good experience.
On audition day, I thought I did as poorly as I expected. I didn't get called back for second audition. However, 2 weeks later, the director officially invited me to join the drama, and I was overjoyed. I did not know that God has more surprises for me.
Just a few days after I learned I get to act in the drama, I saw my friend tagging me in a Facebook post – it was the director's request for a theme song. I was half excited and half hesitant. I mean, I've been waiting to for a chance to contribute and glorify God with my music, but I haven't got any inspiration yet. Plus there are so many true musicians out there, whereas I'm just a music enthusiast with no solid skills. In the same evening, I was reading the information package for the drama. I came across 4 bible verses that outlines the theme of the show:
Hebrews 13: 1-2: Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.
Luke 6:31: Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Luke 6:32: If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.
Luke 10:27: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind and, love your neighbour as yourself.
Right after I read these bible verses, a short melody went through my head. I had a feeling that this is about the drama, so I made a rough draft and sent it to the director for preview, but I still had no lyric. The lyric came very slowly, like a puzzle marathon. For the whole month, I kept telling myself that "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion", Philippians 1:6.
The song was still missing 2 lines the night before the recording session. Finally at 5:30am, I had some thoughts and woke up to finish the song. The song is complete and we can go ahead to record it, but then I was actually sick on that day. I was disappointed, because the sound effect in the theatre was not what I expected. However, I trusted that everything is in God's plan. If God wants to use the music, He would make it work!
Show day finally came, actors and audience alike, all seemed to love the theme song and the mood music. I knew how premature and simple the melody and arrangements are, but it seems like God had make them work, for his Glory.
Without my defeat, there would be no resting for me. Without rest, I would not have time and energy to write songs. Without the desire to pick myself up again, I would not try so many new things this year. At this point, I feel I had stood up again, stronger than before, and this is not because of my own effort. It's because of God's grace and love for me, because He has a much bigger, better plan for my future. I am weak on my own, but "I can do all this through him who gives me strength." – Philippians 4:13.
My simple but God-inspired music can be found on
http://www.youtube.com/user/LeMandia/about
Sacrificium Society of Productions
www.ssophome.com