Home昔日真理報2014年 真理報文章2014 年 2 月【社會心】EQ 在婚姻暴力中的效用

【社會心】EQ 在婚姻暴力中的效用

 

婚姻風暴易爆發
上期討論到在婚姻風暴中的處理,今次更進深探討在家庭暴力邊緣時,有高 EQ 處理的分別。在婚姻關係低潮期,雙方的情緒都不好,常彼此懷疑、埋怨,甚至憤怒對方的無情無義,把幸福的婚姻摧毀,矛頭指向對方,卻甚少檢討自己該負多少責任。也有部分會客觀反省,看到自己也有部分責任,甚至會多做討好的事情(如溫柔聲音、煲靚湯、為對方按摩⋯⋯等等),盼望可挽回下降中的關係。實際情況中,常見彼此容易因小小導火線,迅速引發大爆炸,雙方快速地陷入家庭暴力邊緣,一念之差,天堂地獄在於一句話、一巴掌、一次推撞。以下兩個真實個案,可看到在情緒激動時,EQ 技巧可帶來不同反應和結果。

衝突報警煩不斷

甲夫妻移民來溫哥華一年多,男的是電腦工程師,在國內是主任職位,但英文未能符合本地要求,變了 "高不成,低不就",甚至要去求職培訓班,探討轉行的可能性。太太是國內醫生,同樣因學歷不被承認,屈就做按摩推拿針灸,總算勉強糊口。他們有一小孩才一歲多,因著照顧兒子的方法與觀念不同,夫婦常因此而有意見相左,加上女性成為家庭收入支柱,男方沒有收入,在爭吵時雙方都把生活壓力發洩出來,一句 "你吃我的,住我的,煮的不好吃,又不懂照顧兒子,你有甚麼資格教訓我?" 男方一時間忍受不了對方的奚落貶低,認為是對自己的尊嚴極度不尊重,便一時衝動打了太太一巴掌,女方更生氣,也還手對打,男方大力推低對方,不料後腦跌在床架邊,有少量流血,太太在激動和自保下,撥電報警。不到五分鐘,警察已到,立即男女分別問話,警察認為是毆打傷人案,男方被加上手銬帶返警局,並申請法庭禁制令,三個月不可接觸女方。發展至此,雙方才意識到一時衝動的推撞,竟然會帶來如此嚴重後果,雙方都輸。

忍辱自控免惡化

再看另一個案,乙夫婦在數年來已因大大小小的事積怨頗深,經常對罵,甚至女方已多次提出離婚,雙方關係已到達分裂邊緣。有次晚飯後,女方因發現浴室的毛巾掉在地上,她肯定早上出門前是掛好的,問丈夫是否弄跌,丈夫否認,她便推論至男方帶女人回來,並弄掉她的毛巾。雙方就此引發爭端,且越吵越劇烈,女方盛怒之下掌摑丈夫,男的感到對方過份無理取鬧,亂扣帽子,且摑自己的臉,頗為侮辱,便還以顏色,打對方一巴掌。雙方即時陷入激動情緒,互相糾纏至地上,男方見對方不再掙扎,以為已冷靜下來,便放手準備暫時離開,讓情緒平靜。誰知女方不知在那裡找到一支燒烤大叉,兇悍地衝著他而來,丈夫發現時已被她推壓至牆角,手無任何可抵抗之物,怕被她割傷,便不敢還手,亦不想反抗引發更多衝突,到時總有人受傷,甚至兩敗俱傷。這時,女方不斷訴說多年來忍受的冤屈不滿,說到激動時,以書本、熨斗等硬物擲他,又掌摑他,又要他自我掌摑,如是者重覆多次。男方在此時刻,不甘被辱罵虐打,既想衝出困局,離開險境;但他想到即使有能力可逃脫,但有可能在糾纏中造成傷害,或因對方高聲求救觸發鄰居報警。在不想擴大事情的考慮下,他便繼續忍辱,不反駁,只求拖延至對方疲累,找機會提出改善建議。差不多兩個多小時後,女方因倦意而軟化,結果男方同意在廳內睡,是次暴力衝突才得以軟化下來,不至小事化大。

上述兩個案相同點是雙方皆出現口角及暴力,情緒激動,沒有第三者在場。不同處是前者有受傷,女方報警,警方介入並落案起訴男方; 後者則男方忍氣吞聲,不作進一步自辯或對罵,讓女方自然冷卻,沒有受傷。就是這些分別,結果便大不相同。

駕禦情緒是 EQ

從 EQ 技巧來看,後者的男方很冷靜而明白自己的情緒,也掌握到對方的情緒,甚至是讓她盡情發洩內心不滿,並讓她自然冷卻,可以說是駕禦對方的情緒,使衝突不至釀成災難。此時刻,男方不再強調是否被冤枉,對方不講道理,沒有証據等爭議,甚至乎被她掌摑卻不還手,更順其意自摑多次,這反映出他在處理衝突時具備冷靜而不衝動,可以說是: "忍一時之氣,雨後見彩虹"。

在激動情緒下,要維持冷靜而不衝動作回應是不容易的,猶其在積怨深厚的夫婦關係。事後分析,我們很容易說互相忍讓便沒有事,但在現實中卻說易行難。下期會進一步討論如何使理性思考和感性情緒取得平衡。

"二人若不同心,豈能同行呢?"(阿摩司書3:3)

"愚妄人怒氣全發,智慧人忍氣含怒。"(箴言29:11)

"恆常忍耐可以勸動君王,柔和的舌頭能折斷骨頭。"(箴言25:15)

 

      聖經金句 (Bible Verses)

喜樂 Joy

喜樂的心乃是良藥;憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。箴言 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

然而,我要因耶和華歡欣,因救我的 神喜樂。哈巴谷書 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:18

要常常喜樂,不住的禱告,凡事謝恩。帖撒羅尼迦前書 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

饒恕 Forgiveness

主啊,你本為良善,樂意饒恕人,有豐盛的慈愛賜給凡求告你的人。詩篇 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

你不要說:“我要以惡報惡”;要等候耶和華,他必拯救你。箴言 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will avenge you. Proverbs 6:14

你們饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯;馬太福音 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

你們不饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必不饒恕你們的過犯。馬太福音 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

你們各人若不從心裡饒恕你的弟兄,我天父也要這樣待你們了。馬太福音 18:35
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. Matthew 18:35

謙卑 Humility

敬畏耶和華是智慧的訓誨;尊榮以前,必有謙卑。箴言 15:33
Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

敬畏耶和華心存謙卑,就得富有、尊榮、生命為賞賜。箴言 22:4
Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. Proverbs 22:4

凡事不可結黨,不可貪圖虛浮的榮耀;只要存心謙卑,各人看別人比自己強。腓立比書 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

驕傲 Pride

驕傲來,羞恥也來;謙遜人卻有智慧。箴言 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

驕傲只啟爭競;聽勸言的,卻有智慧。箴言 13:10
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Proverbs 13:10

驕傲在敗壞以先;狂心在跌倒之前。箴言 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

忍耐 Patience

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

並且你們要為我的名,被眾人恨惡,惟有忍耐到底的,必然得救。馬可福音 13:13
Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13

不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3

我們行善,不可喪志;若不灰心,到了時候就要收成加拉太書 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

你們也當忍耐,堅固你們的心,因為主來的日子近了。雅各書 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. James 5:8

溫柔 Meekness

回答柔和,使怒消退;言語暴戾,觸動怒氣。箴言 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

溫柔的人有福了,因為他們必承受地土。馬太福音 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

用溫柔勸戒那抵擋的人;或者 神給他們悔改的心,可以明白真道。提摩太後書 2:25
Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 2:25

只要以裡面存著長久溫柔、安靜的心為妝飾;這在 神面前是極寶貴的。彼得前書 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4

嫉妒 Envy

不要為作惡的心懷不平,也不要向那行不義的生出嫉妒。詩篇 37:1
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. Psalm 37:1

心中安靜是肉體的生命;嫉妒是骨中的朽爛。箴言 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

在何處有嫉妒、紛爭,就在何處有擾亂和各樣的壞事。雅各書 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

生氣 Anger

當止住怒氣,離棄忿怒;不要心懷不平,以致作惡。詩篇 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

好生氣的人,不可與他結交;暴怒的人,不可與他來往。箴言 22:24
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 22:24

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

生氣卻不要犯罪.不可含怒到日落。以弗所書 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

我親愛的弟兄們,這是你們所知道的,但你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說,慢慢的動怒,因為人的怒氣並不成就 神的義。雅各書 1:19,20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19,20

災難 Calamity

謹守口與舌的、就保守自己免受災難。箴言 21:23
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23

民要攻打民、國要攻打國、多處必有地震、饑荒.這都是災難的起頭。馬可福音 13:8
Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains. Mark 13:8

憂愁 Worry

你們不要憂愁、因靠耶和華而得的喜樂是你們的力量。尼希米記 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

主雖使人憂愁, 還要照他諸般的慈愛發憐憫。耶利米哀歌 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

凡勞苦擔重擔的人,可以到我這裡來,我就使你們得安息。馬太福音 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

我留下平安給你們、我將我的平安賜給你們.我所賜的、不像世人所賜的.你們心裏不要憂愁、也不要膽怯。約翰福音 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

應當一無掛慮,只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝,將你們所要的告訴神。神所賜出人意外的平安,必在基督耶穌裡,保守你們的心懷意念。腓立比書 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

因此, 你們是大有喜樂, 但如今, 在百般的試煉中暫時憂愁。彼得前書 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:6

患難 Trouble, Suffering

義人多有苦難,但耶和華救他脫離這一切。詩篇 34:19
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19

神是我們的避難所,是我們的力量,是我們在患難中隨時的幫助!詩篇 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

耶和華本為善,在患難的日子為人的保障,並且認得那些投靠他的人。那鴻書 1:7
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

為義受逼迫的人有福了,因為天國是他們的。馬太福音 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

不但如此,就是在患難中,也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

我想現在的苦楚,若比將來要顯於我們的榮耀,就不足介意了。羅馬書 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

因為你們蒙恩,不但得以信服基督,並要為他受苦。腓立比書 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him. Philippians 1:29

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