Home昔日真理報2014年 真理報文章2014 年 3 月【社會心】雨後不一定有彩虹

【社會心】雨後不一定有彩虹

 

上期兩個婚姻暴力例子, 看到在衝突高峰點的反應, 可以帶來天堂與地獄的分別。稍多一點容忍和看顧大局, 可使僵持不下的爭執慢慢軟著陸, 關鍵是有沒有這個想法; 如果有, 是否願意「忍一時之氣」,還是要「據理力爭」?

衝突過後怎收科?

在大衝突過後, 彼此的情緒冷卻下來, 之後又會有何反應呢?是否會從此各走各路, 走上不歸路?還是等「對方先認錯, 我才原諒你」!還是「以大局為重, 不再堅持」! 有沒有可能彼此都看到自己的不對, 多看對方的優點, 願意先向對方認錯, 也原諒對方的過失, 彼此向對方承諾?

暴力出現重修難

在很多個案顯示, 婚姻暴力之後如何發展沒有固定模式, 一段婚姻關係之形成與結束, 皆有極多因素促使。事實上, 一次暴力事件, 很容易導致後來婚姻破裂,因為暴力有了第一次, 如不正視處理,很快會有第二次。所以,近年較多見到婚姻暴力後最終走向分手之路。若果能避免婚姻暴力出現, 則挽救婚姻機會仍然很大。那麼,在衝突出現而仍未發展至暴力情況時, 雙方如何處理才能避免進一步惡化?這要看很多具體情況如:雙方的婚姻基礎, 彼此對婚姻承諾的重視,彼此對此段婚姻之珍惜程度,等等因素。

相見和談在誠意

如果情況走向負面, 因暴力而考慮分居或離婚,不論誰站在什麼的位置,提出者或是接受者,同樣也會不知如何繼續與對方相處。想見面但又不想主動,想見面但又害怕再有衝突、害怕發現對方仍想放棄或彼此已沒有愛的感覺。不想見面但又感到矛盾、覺得還未弄清楚一切的事⋯⋯確實是令人煩惱不已。

其實見面不會不好,只是有些原則需要留意:繼續互相指責是絕無建設性的,只訴說自己如何犧牲也是沒有意義的,相見的目的若在彼此諷刺打探,那就不如不見。見面的意義該在平和地討論彼此之間的問題,真心去了解互相所承受的擔子和心底需要,這樣的溝通才能掃除陰霾而認清關係的發展方向。無論大家的立場是離開或想復合,若能真誠為自己給對方造成的傷害而道歉,那大家就可減輕內咎和後悔,將精神花在更重要的事情上。

過敏反應反誤事

在重建的過程中, 雙方在心裡仍然很多懷疑, 不肯定是否正確選擇, 也會觀察對方的反應, 是否合符自己期望。很多時會有反應過敏, 例如說話中無意流露出指責對方之意, 便很容易引起對方自衛的還擊, 若繼續指責, 互相火上加油, 之前的努力, 便付諸東流。事實上, 這些小衝突, 好像是地震後的餘震, 想避也避不了。加上現代婚姻觀念很快便說出: 「我們有那麼多不配合, 不如分開。」所以, 不論男女方, 不管是犯錯或無錯那方, 都不宜隨便說出「離婚」兩字。

禁制令下思悔過

參考上期甲夫妻個案作例子, 丈夫被法庭發出三個月的禁制令不得接觸太太及兒子。丈夫知道和承認魯莽, 只是一時之氣而過份使用暴力, 造成大錯。他透過小姨向妻轉述悔意,同時亦參加「婚姻關係深化課程」, 更加認識自己作為丈夫和父親的角色及職責, 亦加深了解作太太身兼職業婦女, 媽媽和家庭主婦的壓力, 從而更深明白對方的難處。而太太亦最終接受丈夫的悔意和道歉, 願意在法庭上為丈夫向法官求情, 結果雙方得以重建關係。

病中照顧見愛情

乙夫婦在那晚的暴力衝突邊緣, 雖然沒有釀成警方個案, 那夜之後,雙方發展又如何呢?翌日, 丈夫內心仍充滿憂慮, 擔心太太又隨時借題發揮使用暴力。在與友人詳談後, 決定暫時搬出,讓雙方有段冷靜期。豈料太太在數日後突忠急性痛症, 急召他回來接載去急診室, 雙方轉移注意力在處理病情。在數個月的病情處理, 接送治療, 雖然間中仍有小衝突, 但彼此亦體會到照顧與被照顧的互相依賴關係,更加體會對方的關懷。在患病照顧過程中, 看到彼此愛的聯繫, 化衝突為欣賞。

婚姻不計誰對錯

婚姻裡的暴力衝突, 其不一定會大團圓結果, 正如雨後不一定有彩虹。美國婚姻問題專家黃維仁博士 在過去三十年來的實證也指出了重建婚姻的要訣:1.去面對並有效地處理衝突。2.學習用智慧繼續建立你倆的友情。當中不可或缺的, 是彼此要有 EQ 智慧和技巧,合宜的忍讓也可以
高超的駕禦對方情緒。在婚姻裡, 誰是, 誰非,其實其不重要,因為家並不是個講理的地方。

「並要以恩慈相待,存憐憫的心,彼此饒恕,正如神在基督裡饒恕了你們一樣。」(弗四:32)

 

      聖經金句 (Bible Verses)

喜樂 Joy

喜樂的心乃是良藥;憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。箴言 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

然而,我要因耶和華歡欣,因救我的 神喜樂。哈巴谷書 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:18

要常常喜樂,不住的禱告,凡事謝恩。帖撒羅尼迦前書 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

饒恕 Forgiveness

主啊,你本為良善,樂意饒恕人,有豐盛的慈愛賜給凡求告你的人。詩篇 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

你不要說:“我要以惡報惡”;要等候耶和華,他必拯救你。箴言 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will avenge you. Proverbs 6:14

你們饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯;馬太福音 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

你們不饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必不饒恕你們的過犯。馬太福音 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

你們各人若不從心裡饒恕你的弟兄,我天父也要這樣待你們了。馬太福音 18:35
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. Matthew 18:35

謙卑 Humility

敬畏耶和華是智慧的訓誨;尊榮以前,必有謙卑。箴言 15:33
Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

敬畏耶和華心存謙卑,就得富有、尊榮、生命為賞賜。箴言 22:4
Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. Proverbs 22:4

凡事不可結黨,不可貪圖虛浮的榮耀;只要存心謙卑,各人看別人比自己強。腓立比書 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

驕傲 Pride

驕傲來,羞恥也來;謙遜人卻有智慧。箴言 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

驕傲只啟爭競;聽勸言的,卻有智慧。箴言 13:10
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Proverbs 13:10

驕傲在敗壞以先;狂心在跌倒之前。箴言 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

忍耐 Patience

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

並且你們要為我的名,被眾人恨惡,惟有忍耐到底的,必然得救。馬可福音 13:13
Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13

不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3

我們行善,不可喪志;若不灰心,到了時候就要收成加拉太書 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

你們也當忍耐,堅固你們的心,因為主來的日子近了。雅各書 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. James 5:8

溫柔 Meekness

回答柔和,使怒消退;言語暴戾,觸動怒氣。箴言 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

溫柔的人有福了,因為他們必承受地土。馬太福音 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

用溫柔勸戒那抵擋的人;或者 神給他們悔改的心,可以明白真道。提摩太後書 2:25
Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 2:25

只要以裡面存著長久溫柔、安靜的心為妝飾;這在 神面前是極寶貴的。彼得前書 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4

嫉妒 Envy

不要為作惡的心懷不平,也不要向那行不義的生出嫉妒。詩篇 37:1
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. Psalm 37:1

心中安靜是肉體的生命;嫉妒是骨中的朽爛。箴言 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

在何處有嫉妒、紛爭,就在何處有擾亂和各樣的壞事。雅各書 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

生氣 Anger

當止住怒氣,離棄忿怒;不要心懷不平,以致作惡。詩篇 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

好生氣的人,不可與他結交;暴怒的人,不可與他來往。箴言 22:24
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 22:24

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

生氣卻不要犯罪.不可含怒到日落。以弗所書 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

我親愛的弟兄們,這是你們所知道的,但你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說,慢慢的動怒,因為人的怒氣並不成就 神的義。雅各書 1:19,20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19,20

災難 Calamity

謹守口與舌的、就保守自己免受災難。箴言 21:23
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23

民要攻打民、國要攻打國、多處必有地震、饑荒.這都是災難的起頭。馬可福音 13:8
Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains. Mark 13:8

憂愁 Worry

你們不要憂愁、因靠耶和華而得的喜樂是你們的力量。尼希米記 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

主雖使人憂愁, 還要照他諸般的慈愛發憐憫。耶利米哀歌 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

凡勞苦擔重擔的人,可以到我這裡來,我就使你們得安息。馬太福音 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

我留下平安給你們、我將我的平安賜給你們.我所賜的、不像世人所賜的.你們心裏不要憂愁、也不要膽怯。約翰福音 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

應當一無掛慮,只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝,將你們所要的告訴神。神所賜出人意外的平安,必在基督耶穌裡,保守你們的心懷意念。腓立比書 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

因此, 你們是大有喜樂, 但如今, 在百般的試煉中暫時憂愁。彼得前書 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:6

患難 Trouble, Suffering

義人多有苦難,但耶和華救他脫離這一切。詩篇 34:19
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19

神是我們的避難所,是我們的力量,是我們在患難中隨時的幫助!詩篇 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

耶和華本為善,在患難的日子為人的保障,並且認得那些投靠他的人。那鴻書 1:7
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

為義受逼迫的人有福了,因為天國是他們的。馬太福音 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

不但如此,就是在患難中,也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

我想現在的苦楚,若比將來要顯於我們的榮耀,就不足介意了。羅馬書 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

因為你們蒙恩,不但得以信服基督,並要為他受苦。腓立比書 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him. Philippians 1:29

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