Home昔日真理報2014年 真理報文章2014 年 6 月【社會心】婚姻衝突--影響情緒的非理性思想(2)

【社會心】婚姻衝突--影響情緒的非理性思想(2)


Fight"非黑即白"

上期我們討論夫妻間的衝突過程中, 有很多是涉及非理性思維 (Irrational thoughts)影響著行為的選擇,其中提到的是 "mind reading", 認為自己能看通對方想法, 並認為這看法就是真的、對的; 簡單來說,就是以把自己 "假設"(即未經肯定、未有確實的觀點)當作事實來處理。在夫妻衝突中,女性往往較為感覺導向,相信直覺; 男性側重邏輯和證據,往往容易引發反駁,把爭吵升級,然後提出解釋時又不接受,認為是 "解釋即是掩飾",於是導致另一個衝突,對彼此關係帶來更多傷痕。如不正視改善,後果不難想像。

"非黑即白" 兩極化

今期我們探討非理性思維(Irrational thoughts)中另一個常見現象,就是 "非黑即白" 觀念,又稱 "兩極化思維"(polarized, dichotomous thinking),例如:讀書若非有 A 級成績,就是讀書失敗; 入不到大學,便沒有好前途; 獨身、離婚、做了單親媽媽,人生便不會有快樂; 買不到樓,便沒有機會娶個好妻子⋯⋯等等。持這想法的人,往往把事情、遭遇、逆境過份簡化分類,認為自己所遇上的情況是沒法改善的,只有往更壞方向想,進而形成自圓其說(self-fulfilling prophecy)的惡性循環。猶如一位會考生,常認為自己並非讀書材料,便覺得努力也是無用,是浪費,便索性不去預備,結果當然是考試失敗,未能升入大學。同樣,如果離婚後便視為終生幸福的結束,與快樂無緣,把自己鎖於憂鬱自怨的世界裡,不去開放自己,接觸朋友,自然地他/她的生活也了無生氣,難以感到快樂。

愛我,不做; 做,不愛。在婚姻生活裡,有些太太也會有些類似 "非黑即白" 的想法,例子:A. "老公若是愛老婆,就不會做出讓老婆不開心的事。如今,他趁我出門公幹時自己獨自去旅行,有意隱瞞,分明是去私會情人"。初步了解,看法似乎有道理。但在這自訂界線時("獨自去旅行" 是否只有 "去私會情人" 而不會有其他可能性?)指控者要有胸襟量度及理性角度去看其他可能性,正如由黑到白,中間可以有 100 種以上的灰色程度,更何況世事有更複雜的可能性!

查詢搜證靠信任

例如丈夫趁太太出外公幹時,自己出外旅行而事先沒有說明,其原因為何?是否獨自去?為何選擇獨自旅行?是否不可能 "獨自旅行"?(是你的個人觀點?對方有沒有獨行經驗和習慣?)是有同伴?若是,同性還是異性?是朋友抑或是紅顏知己?雙方可否提出有力証據支持自己,或是指證對方?若然是羅生門(雙方都沒有確實證據,各有各說),那麼,雙方便要從更大的角度去看此爭議,是要有利促進和諧關係的選擇?還是要採取長期鬥爭路線?他所說的是事實的全部抑或是仍有隱瞞部分?更重要的是,太太是否信任丈夫?信任,是任何關係的基石; 基石若破裂,關係難建設。

中間調停冷靜期

處理方面,如果雙方能冷靜客觀討論,聆聽對方意見,那是好得無比,但現實世界卻非如此美麗。若然雙方難以客觀討論,經常越吵越烈,則要找雙方都接受的人士作中間人(mediator),以客觀中立角度去看事情,不偏不倚。若然仍不見效果,則進而尋求牧師,或專業輔導員來介入。倘若經歷多次處理仍不見進展,則雙方要考慮短暫分開居住,如 1-3 個月,雙方仍可協議定期見面(為照顧子女、經濟安排,等),目的是要雙方皆有一段冷靜時間,在沒有對方的日子,情緒較為平靜時,讓自己可以細心回顧婚姻關係的變化過程,由初相識、感情建立、互訂婚盟、蜜月期、爭吵出現、關係變化的不同階段等等,再次回顧當中的彼此互動。這目的不是數算對方舊帳,而是細看互動變化中,有甚麼因素導致問題出現和加劇?何以對方有激烈反應?有那些是你負上較大責任的?有那部分是對方之過?當彼此都有空間處理這些思緒時,待見面時便較易以客觀角度傾談,一起建立共識。

單獨見面是不忠?

例子:B. "丈夫在婚後不應有異性女朋友,不應單獨見面,如果有,就是對我不忠。" 此想法是認為丈夫在婚後仍有女朋友,並單獨見面就是不忠。這也是 "非黑即白" 非理性思維的另一情況。


缺乏安全求完美

在現代社會,男女都有極多機會在工作上個別接觸,下班後亦會有不同場合的社交聚會,可以說是現代生活的一部分。如果因為有單獨見面便視作丈夫不忠,那是反映對配偶的不信任,可能是源於 "自信心或安全感不足"。又甚至可能是由於自己父母有類似情況而導致分裂, "原生家庭" 背景影響而產生過敏反應。亦有可能是來自 "完美主義" 觀念,期望自己配偶是 "樣樣都好",這才是幸福快樂的婚姻。

負面推想無限綱

如果友人向她表示見到她的丈夫單獨與一位女士在某餐廳進餐,談笑甚歡。她聽後便定性為丈夫 "不忠",進而認為她的婚姻不完美,判斷她的婚姻 "失敗、完了"!無疑,這看法是過於 "無限上綱",無止境地負面推想,反映她對婚姻基礎淺薄,看事情過於簡化,對丈夫欠了解,對自己欠自信。把小小負面情況無限擴大,未曾向當事人查詢澄清,便立即聯想至最惡劣情況。這些過敏反應,可能是太太(懷疑者)的問題,也可能是丈夫(被懷疑者)在不覺之間做出的行為,令配偶懷疑。無論是那原因,都要及早提出討論,探索不信任的起源為何,對方亦應澄清實況,解釋當中細節過程,不要讓這些癌細胞發展下去,破壞健康的婚姻。透過這些坦誠商討,最好能達致一些共識。例如日後如有單獨見面,盡可能事先知會對方,或事後第一時間讓對方知道,以免誤會。如情況許可及各方同意,可以夫婦同時出席。如果沒有結論共識並以行動釋謠,類似的情況會不斷案件重演,男方會認為對方無理取鬧,女方亦視對方為死不悔改,關係只會越弄越僵。扼要而言,彼此都盡量以坦誠對待,同樣另一方亦應對對方有合理信任,不必事事皆疑,因為這樣的婚姻生太沒有意思了。

世事只有真情趣

曾經有句流行廣告:"世事無絕對,只有真情趣"。此句含意多少,在乎聽者人生領會多深。它卻是點出世事並非由黑白分隔,當中有很多很大的差異,可以是令人激憤,也可以令人熱淚盈眶,更可以令人笑看人生。婚姻當中,有很多很多瑣碎事,有些會令你開心,有些會令你激心,你會選擇那些去回應呢?

 

      聖經金句 (Bible Verses)

喜樂 Joy

喜樂的心乃是良藥;憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。箴言 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

然而,我要因耶和華歡欣,因救我的 神喜樂。哈巴谷書 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:18

要常常喜樂,不住的禱告,凡事謝恩。帖撒羅尼迦前書 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

饒恕 Forgiveness

主啊,你本為良善,樂意饒恕人,有豐盛的慈愛賜給凡求告你的人。詩篇 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

你不要說:“我要以惡報惡”;要等候耶和華,他必拯救你。箴言 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will avenge you. Proverbs 6:14

你們饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯;馬太福音 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

你們不饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必不饒恕你們的過犯。馬太福音 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

你們各人若不從心裡饒恕你的弟兄,我天父也要這樣待你們了。馬太福音 18:35
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. Matthew 18:35

謙卑 Humility

敬畏耶和華是智慧的訓誨;尊榮以前,必有謙卑。箴言 15:33
Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

敬畏耶和華心存謙卑,就得富有、尊榮、生命為賞賜。箴言 22:4
Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. Proverbs 22:4

凡事不可結黨,不可貪圖虛浮的榮耀;只要存心謙卑,各人看別人比自己強。腓立比書 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

驕傲 Pride

驕傲來,羞恥也來;謙遜人卻有智慧。箴言 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

驕傲只啟爭競;聽勸言的,卻有智慧。箴言 13:10
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Proverbs 13:10

驕傲在敗壞以先;狂心在跌倒之前。箴言 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

忍耐 Patience

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

並且你們要為我的名,被眾人恨惡,惟有忍耐到底的,必然得救。馬可福音 13:13
Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13

不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3

我們行善,不可喪志;若不灰心,到了時候就要收成加拉太書 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

你們也當忍耐,堅固你們的心,因為主來的日子近了。雅各書 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. James 5:8

溫柔 Meekness

回答柔和,使怒消退;言語暴戾,觸動怒氣。箴言 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

溫柔的人有福了,因為他們必承受地土。馬太福音 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

用溫柔勸戒那抵擋的人;或者 神給他們悔改的心,可以明白真道。提摩太後書 2:25
Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 2:25

只要以裡面存著長久溫柔、安靜的心為妝飾;這在 神面前是極寶貴的。彼得前書 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4

嫉妒 Envy

不要為作惡的心懷不平,也不要向那行不義的生出嫉妒。詩篇 37:1
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. Psalm 37:1

心中安靜是肉體的生命;嫉妒是骨中的朽爛。箴言 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

在何處有嫉妒、紛爭,就在何處有擾亂和各樣的壞事。雅各書 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

生氣 Anger

當止住怒氣,離棄忿怒;不要心懷不平,以致作惡。詩篇 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

好生氣的人,不可與他結交;暴怒的人,不可與他來往。箴言 22:24
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 22:24

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

生氣卻不要犯罪.不可含怒到日落。以弗所書 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

我親愛的弟兄們,這是你們所知道的,但你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說,慢慢的動怒,因為人的怒氣並不成就 神的義。雅各書 1:19,20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19,20

災難 Calamity

謹守口與舌的、就保守自己免受災難。箴言 21:23
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23

民要攻打民、國要攻打國、多處必有地震、饑荒.這都是災難的起頭。馬可福音 13:8
Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains. Mark 13:8

憂愁 Worry

你們不要憂愁、因靠耶和華而得的喜樂是你們的力量。尼希米記 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

主雖使人憂愁, 還要照他諸般的慈愛發憐憫。耶利米哀歌 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

凡勞苦擔重擔的人,可以到我這裡來,我就使你們得安息。馬太福音 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

我留下平安給你們、我將我的平安賜給你們.我所賜的、不像世人所賜的.你們心裏不要憂愁、也不要膽怯。約翰福音 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

應當一無掛慮,只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝,將你們所要的告訴神。神所賜出人意外的平安,必在基督耶穌裡,保守你們的心懷意念。腓立比書 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

因此, 你們是大有喜樂, 但如今, 在百般的試煉中暫時憂愁。彼得前書 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:6

患難 Trouble, Suffering

義人多有苦難,但耶和華救他脫離這一切。詩篇 34:19
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19

神是我們的避難所,是我們的力量,是我們在患難中隨時的幫助!詩篇 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

耶和華本為善,在患難的日子為人的保障,並且認得那些投靠他的人。那鴻書 1:7
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

為義受逼迫的人有福了,因為天國是他們的。馬太福音 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

不但如此,就是在患難中,也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

我想現在的苦楚,若比將來要顯於我們的榮耀,就不足介意了。羅馬書 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

因為你們蒙恩,不但得以信服基督,並要為他受苦。腓立比書 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him. Philippians 1:29

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