Home昔日真理報2014年 真理報文章2014 年 8 月【社會心】婚姻衝突--影響情緒的思想(4)

【社會心】婚姻衝突--影響情緒的思想(4)

 

P6-perfect婚姻衝突--影響情緒的完美主義想法

在婚姻衝突中,二人的溝通技巧、性格型態和思維信念也影響著彼此的關係。今期討論 "完美主義者" 的特點以及在衝突中常見的問題,並探討可改善之道。

在 "理情治療 CBT" 心理學大師 David Burns 於其著作 "Feeling Good Handbook" 中例出十大非理性思維,包括 "非黑即白"、"以偏概全"、"思維過濾"、"好事打折"、"過早立論"、"擴大問題"、"情勢化立論"、"應該句子"、"自我標籤" 和 "個人自責" 等。在書中第一章便詳細討論常見的非理性思維非常精闢。神學院教授鄺炳釗博士在其著作《從聖經看如何認識和提升自己》一書中,亦討論九型性格(Enneagram) "追求完美" 者的特徵和相處之道,頗有啟發及見地。本文主要參考上述著作探討 "完美主義者" 的特性,問題和相處之道。

在每個人心中大多有種 "做得好些" 的欲望,是一種自我滿足的要求,也會得到別人讚賞認同,甚至乎有競爭效果。"做得好些" 可以是積極進取的原動力,社會進步就因為有不斷更新,因有 "做得好些" 的嘗試和研究。然而,如果把 "做得好些" 的情況不斷向上推,對己對人都不斷提升,問題便開始出現。

首先,我們先看看 "完美主義者" 的常見特點,有助了解問題所在。"完美主義者" 常見特徵有以下各點:

1. 不容犯錯:他們不容忍自己或別 "犯錯" 或是 "做得不夠完美",或是 "不合乎自己內心的標準",例如廚房的清潔要求、碗碟洗滌方法,如不合己意,他們會重新洗過。

2. 責任感強:見到錯漏,無法忍受,馬上修補,力求完美,心中意念是 "我的方法" 是最好方法。例如太太見到丈夫的衣服配襯不合飲宴場面,便要對方更換她認為適合才滿意; 又或是在家招待朋友晚飯,她安排的水果一定要擺放至最理想鋪排才肯拿出來享用。

3. 黑白分明:他們的世界觀是 "是非對錯"分 得清楚,沒有灰色地帶,"應該"、"不應該" 的意識強烈。例如:媽媽一定是愛子女的,如果在女兒生病時,也不去援手,這位媽媽肯定是不對,不用問她也知。牧師一定是愛教會的,關心照顧教友,一定不會與教會會友發生感情糾紛。

4. 表面大方:在人際關係上他們追求完美,就算有有衝突,也要表現大方得體,不想做成尷尬場面。他們也不容易發表自己的見解,感情也不輕易地流露出來。例如在一個家庭聚會中,有人無意說某幅畫的位置不適當,他不會即時表現不快,但過後便不斷反駁。但對於熟悉的人(配偶、家人、相熟朋友)則很少稱讚,很多時只有批評。

5. 憤怒不滿:當遇上不順意時,容易表示不滿而發脾氣,覺得事情不應該這樣發生,對於突如奇來意外事件,難以接受,發脾氣時更常會找待罪羔羊來承擔責任。當先生遲來三十分鐘接太太下班,太太便會嚴厲責罵,不容解釋,越解釋便視為找借口。

6. 堅守承諾:很在意自己許下承諾,非常認真貫徹始終。應承過朋友的事,必定要完成,就算自己突然生病或有急事,也要完成所承諾之事。如該先生答允教會做翻譯,卻突然遇上公司有重要文件急於處理,他也會寧願辛苦自己,也不會找其他人協助,或向教會表示困難而推辭。

7. 控制慾強:他們喜歡提出自己的要求準則,並要求其他人跟隨,可以是有影響力的領袖,對事工完成的責任心很強。例如在旅行的行程安排,會提出自己喜好,盡量說服別人,不會容易被反說服。

8. 有錯必記,不肯輕易寬恕:對於別人做(他/她眼中認為)錯的事,不會隨便忘記,總是期待對方會反省認錯,否則會 "死咬不放"。在夫婦衝突中,"完美主義者" 往往會重提舊事、翻舊帳,一次錯,永遠都錯,不會消失。

9. 注重形象,受不了批評:"完美主義者" 很在意別人對他/她的批評,尤其是沒有心理準備的批評,即使一些皮毛的批評也耿耿於懷。例如對方說話中無意說出少許批評/暗喻,覺得已被批評。

10. 自我反省:害怕被良知與別人的批評,常會反省自己有沒有做錯事,然後想辨法去改善。強烈的自責心令自己背負很大的心理壓力。例如在與丈夫衝突之後,太太會找其相熟朋友分享其看法,好找到更加多認同者支持,來肯定自己沒有做錯。

"完美主義者" 的特徵,其實每個人或多或少有一些,只是程度上可以很大分別。有些人會對自己高要求,如在廚房、客廳及睡房的佈置及清潔程度,要見不到一條頭髮,一些小垃圾等等。到這些家作客,易令人增添無形壓力,怕飲水時不小心滴水!也有些人是 "要求他人完美",如對子女、家傭、工作上的下屬,認為做得好是應該的,不必讚賞;做得不好便要糾正。也有第三種 "被他人要求型",他們之所以不顧一切追求完美,是因為深信其他人對他們寄予厚望,如果達不到這種期望,會令對方失望,如上司、其他同事、配偶、子女、教會會友......等等。關鍵是自己是否察覺有此情況,身邊人有沒有此感覺,甚至有沒有知己或同事有此回應。若是有些,則要看下期,探討如何改善及與 "完美主義者" 相處。

 

      聖經金句 (Bible Verses)

喜樂 Joy

喜樂的心乃是良藥;憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。箴言 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

然而,我要因耶和華歡欣,因救我的 神喜樂。哈巴谷書 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:18

要常常喜樂,不住的禱告,凡事謝恩。帖撒羅尼迦前書 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

饒恕 Forgiveness

主啊,你本為良善,樂意饒恕人,有豐盛的慈愛賜給凡求告你的人。詩篇 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

你不要說:“我要以惡報惡”;要等候耶和華,他必拯救你。箴言 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will avenge you. Proverbs 6:14

你們饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯;馬太福音 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

你們不饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必不饒恕你們的過犯。馬太福音 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

你們各人若不從心裡饒恕你的弟兄,我天父也要這樣待你們了。馬太福音 18:35
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. Matthew 18:35

謙卑 Humility

敬畏耶和華是智慧的訓誨;尊榮以前,必有謙卑。箴言 15:33
Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

敬畏耶和華心存謙卑,就得富有、尊榮、生命為賞賜。箴言 22:4
Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. Proverbs 22:4

凡事不可結黨,不可貪圖虛浮的榮耀;只要存心謙卑,各人看別人比自己強。腓立比書 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

驕傲 Pride

驕傲來,羞恥也來;謙遜人卻有智慧。箴言 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

驕傲只啟爭競;聽勸言的,卻有智慧。箴言 13:10
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Proverbs 13:10

驕傲在敗壞以先;狂心在跌倒之前。箴言 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

忍耐 Patience

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

並且你們要為我的名,被眾人恨惡,惟有忍耐到底的,必然得救。馬可福音 13:13
Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13

不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3

我們行善,不可喪志;若不灰心,到了時候就要收成加拉太書 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

你們也當忍耐,堅固你們的心,因為主來的日子近了。雅各書 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. James 5:8

溫柔 Meekness

回答柔和,使怒消退;言語暴戾,觸動怒氣。箴言 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

溫柔的人有福了,因為他們必承受地土。馬太福音 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

用溫柔勸戒那抵擋的人;或者 神給他們悔改的心,可以明白真道。提摩太後書 2:25
Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 2:25

只要以裡面存著長久溫柔、安靜的心為妝飾;這在 神面前是極寶貴的。彼得前書 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4

嫉妒 Envy

不要為作惡的心懷不平,也不要向那行不義的生出嫉妒。詩篇 37:1
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. Psalm 37:1

心中安靜是肉體的生命;嫉妒是骨中的朽爛。箴言 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

在何處有嫉妒、紛爭,就在何處有擾亂和各樣的壞事。雅各書 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

生氣 Anger

當止住怒氣,離棄忿怒;不要心懷不平,以致作惡。詩篇 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

好生氣的人,不可與他結交;暴怒的人,不可與他來往。箴言 22:24
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 22:24

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

生氣卻不要犯罪.不可含怒到日落。以弗所書 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

我親愛的弟兄們,這是你們所知道的,但你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說,慢慢的動怒,因為人的怒氣並不成就 神的義。雅各書 1:19,20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19,20

災難 Calamity

謹守口與舌的、就保守自己免受災難。箴言 21:23
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23

民要攻打民、國要攻打國、多處必有地震、饑荒.這都是災難的起頭。馬可福音 13:8
Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains. Mark 13:8

憂愁 Worry

你們不要憂愁、因靠耶和華而得的喜樂是你們的力量。尼希米記 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

主雖使人憂愁, 還要照他諸般的慈愛發憐憫。耶利米哀歌 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

凡勞苦擔重擔的人,可以到我這裡來,我就使你們得安息。馬太福音 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

我留下平安給你們、我將我的平安賜給你們.我所賜的、不像世人所賜的.你們心裏不要憂愁、也不要膽怯。約翰福音 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

應當一無掛慮,只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝,將你們所要的告訴神。神所賜出人意外的平安,必在基督耶穌裡,保守你們的心懷意念。腓立比書 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

因此, 你們是大有喜樂, 但如今, 在百般的試煉中暫時憂愁。彼得前書 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:6

患難 Trouble, Suffering

義人多有苦難,但耶和華救他脫離這一切。詩篇 34:19
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19

神是我們的避難所,是我們的力量,是我們在患難中隨時的幫助!詩篇 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

耶和華本為善,在患難的日子為人的保障,並且認得那些投靠他的人。那鴻書 1:7
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

為義受逼迫的人有福了,因為天國是他們的。馬太福音 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

不但如此,就是在患難中,也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

我想現在的苦楚,若比將來要顯於我們的榮耀,就不足介意了。羅馬書 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

因為你們蒙恩,不但得以信服基督,並要為他受苦。腓立比書 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him. Philippians 1:29

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