Home昔日真理報2015年 真理報文章2015 年 9 月【社會心】婚姻衝突--影響情緒的非理性思想(16)--當對方已經不可理喻時

【社會心】婚姻衝突--影響情緒的非理性思想(16)--當對方已經不可理喻時

 

過去十多期,我們討論了影響婚姻關係最常見的非理性思想(Irrational thinking),而上期我們討論婚姻關係中常見的呆滯不前的關係,也可稱為「婚姻如演戲」的膠著狀態。更有甚者,單方或雙方堅持己見、唇槍舌劍,當對方已經不可理喻時,另一方該如何自處呢?

當對方不可理喻時

當婚姻關係走到沒有共同話題,沒有共同興趣時,其實雙方的內在化學作用已漸漸地起了變化,彼此已漸漸建立了猜疑之牆,多了互不信任,但同時又會期待對方有積極轉變,可以重新發展;當又因某些小問題引起衝突,之前的善意期待又立即煙消雲散,再次返回防衛狀態!這時期更易看到某一方的精神狀態漸漸失去平衡能力,「非理性思維」佔據作主導,例如會以冷戰方式迎戰,或是用陽奉陰違式(passive aggressive)招架,或是以「不溝通」作為溝通模式,表面是減少口頭上衝突,實質彼此在暗地裡觀察留意,尋找對方弱點而找機會攻擊。結果是無論任何小事情都可以引發大爭吵,甚至無限上綱,都帶到「彼此已沒有相處下去的意義」,「愛已不存在於彼此的關係中」,「何必再要忍受被虐待而無盼望的生活?」,「夫妻不同心,怎樣行落去?」使本來可以是平心靜氣的討論,都以大戰慘烈收場,結果當然是彼此受傷。若此情景繼續下去,自然定律是各走極端,距離分手不遠了!倘若到了此時刻,該怎樣自處呢?

不要做受害者

當對方已經變成不可理喻時,先要接受「這是事實」,不要做受害者。在和那些不可理喻的人打交道前,你先要學會管理自己的情緒,目的是把對方給你的破壞降至最低。不要期望你越想嘗試詳細解釋,對方會明白,甚至接受你的解釋,從而不再爭辯,認同你看法。那你會更失望,更氣餒。你得明白,對那些不可理喻的人,說甚麼都沒用。在他們的腦子裡,不管事實如何,錯的、問題起源的,總是你。這時你最好的武器就是沉默和幽默。不要幻想給對方講道理,以為他們會明白接受(即使他們懂,他們也扮不懂)。簡單來說,你要遏制辯解的慾望。

冷漠戰略

如果你和不可理喻的人吵起來了,記住,冷暴力才是最好的方法。

(a) 沉默:又哭又吵只會讓對方反擊更勁,保持冷靜才是上策。

(b) 冷靜:用冷淡的態度面對對方。如果你也和他一樣口出髒話、大喊大叫,那不就和他一樣了嗎!

(c) 發散:在爭論中,掌握更多事實的那方總會佔上風。所以如果你想挑戰那些不可理喻的人,就問問他們為甚麼這麼做。當然,他們是不會罷休的,說不定會想出別的借口來辯解,這將是一場持久戰。

切勿生氣

記住你是不可能說服他們的,因為他們認為自己是正確無誤。在和他們講理由時,千萬不要生氣—雖然這很難做到,但也要慢慢適應。記住,你的怒火會成為對方最好的武器。對方會記住你生氣的每個細節,並反過來指責你的態度粗野。做好被影射的準備。在他們的腦子裡,你是一切錯誤的根源!他們總會有千多條論據來支撐自己,如果你不小心「鼓勵」了他們,可就火上澆油了。

維護自尊

同樣重要的是維護自尊。如果那些不可理喻的人總是貶低你,你就需要做出行動,維護自己的自尊了。告訴自己,他們的想法並不代表事實。如果對方說的和事實大相逕庭,那就乾脆裝聽不見吧﹐和他們吵只會讓他們反擊更勁。

暫時分居

考慮暫時分居,如果你們已長時期合不來,那就是該考慮暫時分居的時候了。這是給予雙方有自己空間,可獨自體驗在沒有對方的日子,感覺會如何!是否真的如釋重負?還是回想更多對方的好處?如果你暫時不能和對方分開,那麼就從思想上和他分開。把自己生活焦點放在工作上,這裡是你可以肯定自我價值之處;亦可以是自己的興趣活動,特別是保持適量運動,使安多芬(endorphin)保持旺盛,打抵憂鬱的負面情緒。

千萬別染上和他一樣不可理喻的毛病

如果你和他經常在一起,那麼耳濡目染,你可能也會變得不可理喻,特別是在工作中,不期然把情緒轉移到同事或工作對象身上。一旦你發現自己有這樣的傾向,就趕快自我反省和改正。

保護個人隱私

不可理喻的人會利用你的個人信息來攻擊你,並把你的隱私告訴別人。而且他們很善於發掘他人的秘密--所以你要小心了!取消聯合電郵、微信、whatsapp 之類共同戶口。

做一個和他們截然不同的人

也就是一個富有耐心和愛心的人﹐學著理解對方,那別人也會試著理解你。也許這是對付不可理喻的人的終極手段了吧?他們可能不會徹底改頭換面,但至少會有所改觀的。

「寧可住在房頂的角上,不在寬闊的房屋與爭吵的婦人同住。」(箴言21:9)

 

      聖經金句 (Bible Verses)

喜樂 Joy

喜樂的心乃是良藥;憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。箴言 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

然而,我要因耶和華歡欣,因救我的 神喜樂。哈巴谷書 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:18

要常常喜樂,不住的禱告,凡事謝恩。帖撒羅尼迦前書 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

饒恕 Forgiveness

主啊,你本為良善,樂意饒恕人,有豐盛的慈愛賜給凡求告你的人。詩篇 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

你不要說:“我要以惡報惡”;要等候耶和華,他必拯救你。箴言 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will avenge you. Proverbs 6:14

你們饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯;馬太福音 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

你們不饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必不饒恕你們的過犯。馬太福音 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

你們各人若不從心裡饒恕你的弟兄,我天父也要這樣待你們了。馬太福音 18:35
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. Matthew 18:35

謙卑 Humility

敬畏耶和華是智慧的訓誨;尊榮以前,必有謙卑。箴言 15:33
Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

敬畏耶和華心存謙卑,就得富有、尊榮、生命為賞賜。箴言 22:4
Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. Proverbs 22:4

凡事不可結黨,不可貪圖虛浮的榮耀;只要存心謙卑,各人看別人比自己強。腓立比書 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

驕傲 Pride

驕傲來,羞恥也來;謙遜人卻有智慧。箴言 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

驕傲只啟爭競;聽勸言的,卻有智慧。箴言 13:10
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Proverbs 13:10

驕傲在敗壞以先;狂心在跌倒之前。箴言 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

忍耐 Patience

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

並且你們要為我的名,被眾人恨惡,惟有忍耐到底的,必然得救。馬可福音 13:13
Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13

不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3

我們行善,不可喪志;若不灰心,到了時候就要收成加拉太書 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

你們也當忍耐,堅固你們的心,因為主來的日子近了。雅各書 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. James 5:8

溫柔 Meekness

回答柔和,使怒消退;言語暴戾,觸動怒氣。箴言 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

溫柔的人有福了,因為他們必承受地土。馬太福音 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

用溫柔勸戒那抵擋的人;或者 神給他們悔改的心,可以明白真道。提摩太後書 2:25
Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 2:25

只要以裡面存著長久溫柔、安靜的心為妝飾;這在 神面前是極寶貴的。彼得前書 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4

嫉妒 Envy

不要為作惡的心懷不平,也不要向那行不義的生出嫉妒。詩篇 37:1
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. Psalm 37:1

心中安靜是肉體的生命;嫉妒是骨中的朽爛。箴言 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

在何處有嫉妒、紛爭,就在何處有擾亂和各樣的壞事。雅各書 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

生氣 Anger

當止住怒氣,離棄忿怒;不要心懷不平,以致作惡。詩篇 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

好生氣的人,不可與他結交;暴怒的人,不可與他來往。箴言 22:24
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 22:24

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

生氣卻不要犯罪.不可含怒到日落。以弗所書 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

我親愛的弟兄們,這是你們所知道的,但你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說,慢慢的動怒,因為人的怒氣並不成就 神的義。雅各書 1:19,20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19,20

災難 Calamity

謹守口與舌的、就保守自己免受災難。箴言 21:23
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23

民要攻打民、國要攻打國、多處必有地震、饑荒.這都是災難的起頭。馬可福音 13:8
Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains. Mark 13:8

憂愁 Worry

你們不要憂愁、因靠耶和華而得的喜樂是你們的力量。尼希米記 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

主雖使人憂愁, 還要照他諸般的慈愛發憐憫。耶利米哀歌 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

凡勞苦擔重擔的人,可以到我這裡來,我就使你們得安息。馬太福音 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

我留下平安給你們、我將我的平安賜給你們.我所賜的、不像世人所賜的.你們心裏不要憂愁、也不要膽怯。約翰福音 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

應當一無掛慮,只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝,將你們所要的告訴神。神所賜出人意外的平安,必在基督耶穌裡,保守你們的心懷意念。腓立比書 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

因此, 你們是大有喜樂, 但如今, 在百般的試煉中暫時憂愁。彼得前書 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:6

患難 Trouble, Suffering

義人多有苦難,但耶和華救他脫離這一切。詩篇 34:19
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19

神是我們的避難所,是我們的力量,是我們在患難中隨時的幫助!詩篇 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

耶和華本為善,在患難的日子為人的保障,並且認得那些投靠他的人。那鴻書 1:7
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

為義受逼迫的人有福了,因為天國是他們的。馬太福音 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

不但如此,就是在患難中,也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

我想現在的苦楚,若比將來要顯於我們的榮耀,就不足介意了。羅馬書 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

因為你們蒙恩,不但得以信服基督,並要為他受苦。腓立比書 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him. Philippians 1:29

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