【夫妻同心】婚姻界線

 

作為一個經常在實體、網絡書店流連的書迷,知道亨利‧克勞德博士(Dr. Henry Cloud)和約翰 ‧湯森德博士 ( Dr. John Townsend)的《過猶不及》(Boundaries)及其一系列「立界線」的書已經很久了。而真正讓我拿起這本書來看,是在聽了一次戴惠嬋姑娘的講座之後(戴姑娘也在本期《家新》季刊撰文),那是我第一次意識到很多人際矛盾的根源正是界線感的缺失。「界線」對於華人來說,簡直是一個離經叛道的概念,我們素來是追求「和諧」的民族,談任何界線本身好像就是一種罪過。然而在講座中我聽到了一個詞,「混融」,當人的情感、責任,你我不分,糾纏在一起的時候,那不是「和諧」,而是「我不開心都是你的錯!」「我做了那麼多你憑什麼還不開心!」耳熟能詳嗎?當時直聽得我耳根發熱,「哇!這不就是我嗎?」

有了這樣的一個引子,當我捧起《為婚姻立界線》的時候,我知道我不是在找保護傘,不是把婚姻裡的雞毛蒜皮劃一條「三八線」─ 這些事歸你管,那些事歸我管,而是開始一趟膽戰心驚地面對自己本相的旅程(以至於使那倔強的、自以為是的老我非常不舒服,甚至都不願意翻開這本書)。


因為兩位作者都是執業心理醫師,書中有很多的實例,並不是那種只講婚姻應該怎樣美好的書,讓讀者除了羡慕嫉妒恨外,對自己的婚姻依然束手無策、無從下手。很幸運的,你總能在書裡找到跟你們景況很像的夫婦,比如需要對方有求必應的吉姆和莎莉,或者發現對方吸引人的特質變成噩夢的艾瑞克和亞曼達,然後看到作者的分析;你也可以看到心心相印的法蘭克與茱莉亞,或者輕鬆地保有自己時間和空間的瑞奇和瑪莉,發現原來這樣會更好。兩位作者在前言中就講了:「婚姻的首要元素便是愛。 ......愛是婚姻的核心。」當你還在沾沾自喜地覺得「這還用你說」的時候,作者筆鋒一轉:「然而,光是有愛還不夠。婚姻關係需要其他元素使它成長茁壯。這些元素便是自由與責任。當兩個人能自由地表達不同意見時,便能自由地去愛;當他們不自由時,就是生活在恐懼中,愛也就隨之夭折了。」作者希望通過這本書,幫助我們「提升」愛、「發展」愛、「修復」愛,「透過為愛提供一個自由與責任均衡的理想環境,來延續愛的壽命。」

特別吸引我的是在第4章「二人才能成為一體」中提到的「你不是我」的概念,這是界線原則中最重要的一點。我們往往不由自主地覺得結婚以後對方就是我的,然而作者直接當頭一棒:「對方不是為了滿足你個人的需要而存在的。」換句話說,如果我希望在婚姻中找到一個人像母親對嬰兒一樣的有求必應,以我為中心,來滿足我的需要,或者彌補我個人特質的缺乏,成為我的延伸﹐。對不起,這是行不通的!因為配偶是一個截然不同的獨立的個體,是一個真正的人,不是我的附屬品!

聖經中「二人成為一體」的必要條件就是「兩個完全獨立成熟完整的個體」。不夠獨立成熟怎麼辦?那就要不斷成長!

只有認識到「你不是我」,才能夠接納配偶的感受(這與我們在家新恩愛夫婦營中學習的「感覺就是感覺」也是一致的);才能夠接納和尊重配偶的不同,而不會把彼此的差異看作是威脅或針鋒相對;才能夠不以自己期望的角度來看配偶,而珍惜和欣賞他∕她的本相。「不再以你自己作為出發點,單單地珍惜對方的存在,這就是愛。」

因此,自由是愛的先決條件。顯然我們都不願意被轄制,但也不願意因為對方的自由而被冷落。為避免自由被自我中心利用,作者同時也提到了聖經裡的黃金法則:「弟兄們,你們蒙召是要得自由,只是不可將你們的自由當作放縱情慾的機會,總要用愛心互相服侍。因為全律法都包在『愛人如己』這一句話之內了。」(加5:13-14)「你們願意人怎樣待你們,你們也要怎樣待人。」(路6:31)

聖經箴言31章被作者視為夫妻關係典範,這促使我以全新的視角來看這一段常被用來描述才德的婦人的經典。你看,他們夫婦二人各忙各的,「同時展現出個別性,同時也有很深的連結」。似乎婚姻中二人相處的秘訣,就在於如何在自由與連結之間取得平衡。我想,你一定會有興趣了解更多,那就從《為婚姻立界線》開始,從自己的成長開始,進入真正的合一。願神祝福你們!

 

      聖經金句 (Bible Verses)

喜樂 Joy

喜樂的心乃是良藥;憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。箴言 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

然而,我要因耶和華歡欣,因救我的 神喜樂。哈巴谷書 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk 3:18

要常常喜樂,不住的禱告,凡事謝恩。帖撒羅尼迦前書 5:16-17
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

饒恕 Forgiveness

主啊,你本為良善,樂意饒恕人,有豐盛的慈愛賜給凡求告你的人。詩篇 86:5
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Psalm 86:5

你不要說:“我要以惡報惡”;要等候耶和華,他必拯救你。箴言 20:22
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will avenge you. Proverbs 6:14

你們饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必饒恕你們的過犯;馬太福音 6:14
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14

你們不饒恕人的過犯,你們的天父也必不饒恕你們的過犯。馬太福音 6:15
But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:15

你們各人若不從心裡饒恕你的弟兄,我天父也要這樣待你們了。馬太福音 18:35
This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. Matthew 18:35

謙卑 Humility

敬畏耶和華是智慧的訓誨;尊榮以前,必有謙卑。箴言 15:33
Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the LORD, and humility comes before honor. Proverbs 15:33

敬畏耶和華心存謙卑,就得富有、尊榮、生命為賞賜。箴言 22:4
Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. Proverbs 22:4

凡事不可結黨,不可貪圖虛浮的榮耀;只要存心謙卑,各人看別人比自己強。腓立比書 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Philippians 2:3

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

驕傲 Pride

驕傲來,羞恥也來;謙遜人卻有智慧。箴言 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

驕傲只啟爭競;聽勸言的,卻有智慧。箴言 13:10
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. Proverbs 13:10

驕傲在敗壞以先;狂心在跌倒之前。箴言 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

但他賜更多的恩典,所以經上說:神阻擋驕傲的人,賜恩給謙卑的人。雅各書 4:6
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” James 4:6

忍耐 Patience

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

並且你們要為我的名,被眾人恨惡,惟有忍耐到底的,必然得救。馬可福音 13:13
Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Mark 13:13

不但如此,就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance. Romans 5:3

我們行善,不可喪志;若不灰心,到了時候就要收成加拉太書 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Galatians 6:9

你們也當忍耐,堅固你們的心,因為主來的日子近了。雅各書 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. James 5:8

溫柔 Meekness

回答柔和,使怒消退;言語暴戾,觸動怒氣。箴言 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

溫柔的人有福了,因為他們必承受地土。馬太福音 5:5
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

用溫柔勸戒那抵擋的人;或者 神給他們悔改的心,可以明白真道。提摩太後書 2:25
Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth. 2 Timothy 2:25

只要以裡面存著長久溫柔、安靜的心為妝飾;這在 神面前是極寶貴的。彼得前書 3:4
Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:4

嫉妒 Envy

不要為作惡的心懷不平,也不要向那行不義的生出嫉妒。詩篇 37:1
Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. Psalm 37:1

心中安靜是肉體的生命;嫉妒是骨中的朽爛。箴言 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

在何處有嫉妒、紛爭,就在何處有擾亂和各樣的壞事。雅各書 3:16
For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. James 3:16

生氣 Anger

當止住怒氣,離棄忿怒;不要心懷不平,以致作惡。詩篇 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. Psalm 37:8

好生氣的人,不可與他結交;暴怒的人,不可與他來往。箴言 22:24
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered. Proverbs 22:24

愚妄人怒氣全發;智慧人忍氣含怒。箴言 29:11
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end. Proverbs 29:11

生氣卻不要犯罪.不可含怒到日落。以弗所書 4:26
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26

我親愛的弟兄們,這是你們所知道的,但你們各人要快快的聽,慢慢的說,慢慢的動怒,因為人的怒氣並不成就 神的義。雅各書 1:19,20
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19,20

災難 Calamity

謹守口與舌的、就保守自己免受災難。箴言 21:23
Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity. Proverbs 21:23

民要攻打民、國要攻打國、多處必有地震、饑荒.這都是災難的起頭。馬可福音 13:8
Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the beginning of birth pains. Mark 13:8

憂愁 Worry

你們不要憂愁、因靠耶和華而得的喜樂是你們的力量。尼希米記 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

主雖使人憂愁, 還要照他諸般的慈愛發憐憫。耶利米哀歌 3:32
Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

凡勞苦擔重擔的人,可以到我這裡來,我就使你們得安息。馬太福音 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

我留下平安給你們、我將我的平安賜給你們.我所賜的、不像世人所賜的.你們心裏不要憂愁、也不要膽怯。約翰福音 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

應當一無掛慮,只要凡事藉著禱告、祈求和感謝,將你們所要的告訴神。神所賜出人意外的平安,必在基督耶穌裡,保守你們的心懷意念。腓立比書 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6,7

因此, 你們是大有喜樂, 但如今, 在百般的試煉中暫時憂愁。彼得前書 1:6
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 1 Peter 1:6

患難 Trouble, Suffering

義人多有苦難,但耶和華救他脫離這一切。詩篇 34:19
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19

神是我們的避難所,是我們的力量,是我們在患難中隨時的幫助!詩篇 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

耶和華本為善,在患難的日子為人的保障,並且認得那些投靠他的人。那鴻書 1:7
The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

為義受逼迫的人有福了,因為天國是他們的。馬太福音 5:10
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 5:10

不但如此,就是在患難中,也是歡歡喜喜的。因為知道患難生忍耐。羅馬書 5:3
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; Romans 5:3

我想現在的苦楚,若比將來要顯於我們的榮耀,就不足介意了。羅馬書 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

因為你們蒙恩,不但得以信服基督,並要為他受苦。腓立比書 1:29
For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him. Philippians 1:29

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